Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

I weigh more than I used to. I’ve been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female...

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.

The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side....

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.

I speak the language of love. That’s right, I speak Russian.

R u in?”

I’d be willing to walk around wearing clothes from the 1930s, telling everyone I am a time traveler. You’ve got to do more than dig if you want to earn the love of a dead...

I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw.

I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.

A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac.

My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?

To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.

A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work.

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.

Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.

A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them.

I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package.

Signs offer a way to speak, yet keep the room perfectly silent.

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

Behind the waterfall of love you’ll find me, hiding in a barrel.

That’s like my love for her.” At first I was sad, but then I smiled when I realized I’m more of a sofa kind of guy.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.

I’m angry as hell. I’m angry for all the people who should be angry but aren’t, either because they’re too stupid or too timid.

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.

Some people are born to be bronze medalists. And sometimes the only reason they get third place is because there aren’t more competitors in the race to place ahead of them.

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

The old me is younger than the me now. Ah, but that’s life, no?

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

It’s interesting to watch someone think. Glass skulls would be cool.

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

I plead the fifth—and then I drank it. I was drunk on love, but wouldn’t admit it. I was also drunk on whiskey, but the breathalyzer outed me.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

I’ll be waiting in my trunk, with the engine of your car.

His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

I make love like 1981, one year before I was born. That explains why all your orgasms are nonexistent.