I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold more of it, but nobody really liked your product. Plus, the people who...

I prefer love songs to any other form of torture.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the...

I knew I was in love because I had butterflies in my stomach. Also in there I had flowers, a few rainbows, and leftover unicorn from the bbq the day before.

When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead.

Learn how to read by taking small sips first. Drink my watery literary nipples.

I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.

Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very much alive. Or at least it was yesterday, when I went to visit the cemetery.

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

I give everybody my love, and therefore nobody gets my love. I’m freedy—free and greedy.

More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.

I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest...

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.

Love is like a hollowed out piece of chocolate, filled with melted music.

Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.

I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.

I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan on utilizing my mattress.

I sell yawns. So when you see me yawning, and you then yawn, just know that’s me giving you a free sample of my product.

It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

He had short hair. The technical term is bald. I’m sure he would have made a better lover if he were wearing a Donald Trump wig.

Her name was Rose, and I’d hoped that one day our love would blossom like her name. It didn’t, so today it lives on atop a grave.

Rain is a nudist’s shower, and I want a bathtub the size of a lake. Then we could make love like your parents did that one time, nine months before your birth.

I’ve just walked ten feet in the wrong direction, and I’m too tired to turn back around and trudge back. Oh, the lengths I go to for love.

My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first...

I’m getting gray hair in all sorts of crazy places. Like all over my carpet. It’s like I live in a nursing home, except without all the sex.

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time.

The mountains are where God proves He’s better than Michelangelo at sculpting.

I saw some kids at an elementary school, and I thought, I wonder if those kids are mine? Any of them—or all of them. It’s possible, because I love making love.

office.” I like to think of my office as God’s cue ball. I’m calling in now, The Big Three’s hitting the two ball in the corner pocket.

I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills.

My answer is nope, so don’t even hope.

My girlfriend just had a baby. We’ve known each other for six months, so I’m pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

People are like puzzles. Especially interconnected people, like Siamese twins.

red tape,” and start using Caution tape.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence leads to diabetes.