He was dashing. He wasn’t handsome—he was running.

I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.

I tie my smile like a shoelace.

A tree has leaves like man has hair. Some men go winter in the summer, and other men, like me, like skiing on skin.

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up...

That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.

The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.

It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only...

The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her.

I want to be like air. Invisible, yet everybody needs me in their life.

As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

Life insurance is a dying industry.

And benefits? Just getting to breathe the same air as the distinguished guests that’ll scoff and sneer at me is more reward than I could imagine this side of heaven.

All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.

Going down my list of notable women in my life, we come to Y. Y for Yolanda, and as you might have prophetically foretold, we met at the Y (YMCA). She looked like a beaver,...

People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.

I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings.

For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.

I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers.

I want to be a man of letters. All 26 of them.

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.

Some people think nature is their God. I’d like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...