The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that saved all those passengers was my love—and the fact that I know how...

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

Yeah, I toss trash out of my car onto the road. But I do it for the good of the economy, because by littering I’m literally creating jobs for garbage collection agencies.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.

There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

I want to bill Billings one penny at a time.” He died with five cents to his name. I was named after him—fifty years after him.

I’m so hungry I could eat a mop. I mean map. I’m so lost when it comes to words.

A preacher’s job is preaching. So how come he gets to work on the day of rest?

I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.

What I call talking to God, you may call talking to myself. Of course, I’m flattered that you’d think I am God.

His name was Skip, but I didn’t. I waited patiently in line behind him. But do not be confused. I am not the kind of lover who lets other men go first.

If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have that to look forward to.

The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on...

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

Too bad the buttons on my shirt don’t operate the elevator at work. If they did, maybe I wouldn’t have taken off my pants and taken the stairs.

I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d just tossed out a Frank Gehry knockoff. What you call trash, I call...

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are unemployed.

I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest.

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

I figured out why I have such big hands. It’s to hold all the love I have to offer the world. So don’t get mad at me when I make you bring in all the...

I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

What’s the difference between praying and crying? One you’re talking to God, and the other you’re talking to God but you don’t know it.

Here’s a list in no particular order: chaos, confusion, and disorganization.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery. That’ll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won’t...

At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly...

Free sex with room.”

I had a dream about you. You sold Tuesdays to factory workers on Monday mornings. You had a good thing going, until I showed up with a vender cart stocked full of Wednesdays.

So many trees, so few chimneys.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

I was beside myself with grief. I was also beside myself with cloning.

She drowned in a coffee cup the size of a swimming pool. It really helped wake me up to my own mortality.

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe the plastic cover doesn’t act as a shield, but rather the starving mob...

Love will find you eventually. It found me, and I was hiding like fall in the spring.

Check a phone book out of a library. Inside is a foggy castle covered by a black leather glove, watched over by a shaggy gray dog. My name is written in numbers in the sky...

If you see me sitting at a dining room table with a clean plate and bowl in front of me, you’ll know it’s because I’m a starving artist. I’m also thirsty, as my cup is...

Today likes to happen before tonight. Impatient, I guess.

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

Social progress: for the same price as last year, I get a slimmer candy bar, less chips per bag, and I have to walk a little further to work, because to spend the same amount...

I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

I just hope the woman I invited over to dinner shares our insightful perspective.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.