We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis. She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.

The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who owned a one-story building. He didn’t buy from me, but he did sell...

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out of asking her.

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Incredibly, he wore an incredulous look on his face like he had no idea what she was insinuating. Did she just accuse him of murder? I hope she did, because I have no alibi, but...

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing...

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

Not too many people are talking about silence. People are suspiciously silent on the subject of silence.

If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark.

I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n...

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three...

I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.

People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify...

Catholic, Episcopalian, I won’t have sects with you.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but the only person I’ll let live my life for me is my clone....

I had a dream about you. The flowers were blooming, but our love was wilting. I tried to water our relationship, but no matter what I did, you were insistent on leaving me for a...

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

One evening we made love all morning.

Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was only the third president, he might be surprised to learn that today. I...

I’m looking for lost, but I don’t think I’ll ever find it, because the moment I do find it, it isn’t. Still, I’ll bet I find it before I find love.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

Is the company you keep keeping you back?

I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.

Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

Blankets could be employed to keep the people standing in the unemployment line warm. Well, they could be, if the people weren’t already hot with rage at the ineptitude and greed of the political class.

If I had to live my life over, I’d live it over seas, like a cloud.