The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.

About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.

successful” person even thinks of going to bed.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

Don’t scream out my name in bed. Scream out random fractions instead.

I always buckle up, even if I’m only walking across the parking lot.

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.

I haven’t eaten all day.” You see, Jefferson truly reflected early America at that time. He was hungry, and I think you’ll find that most successful people are.

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

We made love like my foot cramped up in the middle. That was the last time I tried to do a marathon session.

The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.

Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

A soldier wages war, and for what, minimum wage? I’d rather make love for free—or better still, get paid to have sex.

I had a dream about you. You were my main competition for the 2014 Rocking Chair Race Championship Series. It’s the most movement you can make without actually moving anywhere. I won that race—and I...

On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.

Pregnant women need dick too. And I’m here to sell it to them. I charge by the inch and by the hour.

If history teaches us anything, it’s that governments are always right, and they always do what’s in the best interest of the people, even at the expense of their own political agenda. In every situation,...

He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.

I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.

I need to take an exfoliating bath. Prepare the kittens’ tongues.

The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to shape up, they should be imprisoned. Nothing is healthier for society than more...

Agatha had a face like an avocado, and a voice like guacamole. I know because I eat lime scented (and flavored) tortilla chips all the time (except at 4:44).

If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.

I like remembering her as she was—a fantasy of the future.

Jacksonville has four seasons: winter, spring, summer, and football.

Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.

I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach...

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

I’m wearing my End of the Dance Underwear. They’re soggy. It seems these days everything is saturated with my love for you.

Love is a hooray in your heart. How can I describe how I feel about her except to say it’s almost like swimming in hot nacho cheese sauce, being chased down by a stoned Michael...

I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s Mr. Arnold to you. Once you get to know him, he may let...

When I’m sad, I think about happier times. Times like 3:33, 12:34, and 3:21. This last one usually spurs me into action and helps stop me from just stopping.

From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.

I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not be able to ride it, but it would also be unsuitable for a...

Growing up, I used to use and apple instead of a baseball. It was just more fun to hit, and a healthier and better tasting snack than America’s favorite pastime.

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in life the things we do not have.

I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t...

Instead of a gun in my holster, I hold cheesy nachos there, for dangerous snacking. Instead of a horse, this cowboy rides a couch.

I’m probably infertile. I inherited it from my dad.

When you’re on your deathbed, you won’t regret not having spent more time cleaning. Buy brown carpet, to camouflage the coffee stains.