Pornography was not meant to be looked at. Pornography was meant to be read—on Braille-embossed condoms.

I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.

I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.

If you think the human body is beautiful, you haven’t met my uncle Melvin. His cam session starts at 6:00 if you wanna see.

After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.

It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.

Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing “Yes We Have No...

My love started the day I was born. If you run you can probably catch up. Remember, think marathon—not sprint.

My feelings for her faded from black to red. Was I in love—or in hell?

If anybody can appreciate fine music, it’s me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?

I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the politicians talk, all I hear is them breaking wind through their mouths.

If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because they’re all five minutes fast and I want to know exactly how much...

I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right...

Dan” in Danger. I’m sorry, Dan.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.

I was born in 1982. That’s like 1984, except not so dystopian.

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.

Grandma Got Herpes—For A Discount”.

I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all my sobbing, I ended up waking it up.

We made love for 8 seconds. She rode me like a bull.

The fact that we’re not lovers makes us more like bees and flowers than rabbits.

When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased.

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

I got tapped for the job position. As soon as I felt it on my shoulder, I turned around and my boss told me.

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much...

Boggling”. Making love to me is mind boggling.

My love is divided into three parts. I’ll give you part one and two for free, but for the fourth installation, you’ll have to pay for it.

In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I’d like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

Don’t expect my hand to extend out of her vagina and accept the charity of strangers.

The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the hole, finish burying that dead guy before the cops arrive.

You never forget how to ride a bicycle—or the first time you made love on one. I’ve made love on a bicycle twice, to two women—both times were with both women. Foreplay is amazingly difficult...

When two are united as one, I’ll be there. And so will someone else.

My mom and dad died, but in their place I got a house of fog that’s easy to hide my feelings in. (No smoking, please.)

I had a dream about you. I was a professor, and you were my student. I taught sex education for college freshmen, and I didn’t think it unethical to trade good grades for sexual favors....

Is talking to your clone like talking to yourself, talking to someone else, both, or in the middle?

die.

Kissimmee has the best name, other than Hugsburg and Fornicatesville.

If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it.

People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.

When the gain is greater than the pain, I’ll be there, telling you how we can both profit from your productivity. That’s what love is about.

I had a dream about you. I was a used car salesman, and you were in the market for a new horse. I suggested we both compromise, and meet in the middle—like the year 1950.

The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that saved all those passengers was my love—and the fact that I know how...

People, they only love themselves because you only love yourself. Love them, and they will love you.

Yeah, I toss trash out of my car onto the road. But I do it for the good of the economy, because by littering I’m literally creating jobs for garbage collection agencies.

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

When I see a beautiful woman, my heart doesn’t go “Thump, thump.” It goes “Hush, hush.” I’m very secretive about my feelings.

It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.