Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should...

I haven’t shaved in days. There are literally thousands of peaches waiting for me. I’ve been so busy loving that I haven’t been able to assist the Official Barber of Georgia.

My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body.

My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people who encounter letters on a daily basis in math equations, not romantic poetry.

I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury hotel on the beach. This would be perfect for me because when there...

Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.

You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now get me out of this Time Fridge before I self-cannibalize! I walked a...

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

I love three women—Agatha, Christy, and Agatha Christie.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

I watch you while you sleep. Is that love? It would be, if I put down my binoculars, and you picked up your phone.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like rage.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I’m still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.

I don’t want a home, but I do want to buy a lot that I like a lot.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.

With a phone to each ear, I’m efficient. One mouth, two ears, and two phones, I can talk to two people at once—and listen to neither.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that it brings out the fierce in you, because you are forced to fight.

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people...

I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs.

Love is snowy, like the raincloud I left in the freezer. I would ski on the slope of your kiss, but I’d be fearful of an avalanche.

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

I started a Thank You Club. You’re welcome.

I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.

My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.

If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

Our relationship is getting serious. I now know she likes Karaoke. Next she’ll tell me she loves coffee. And then she’ll say she loves me—but not as much as she loves coffee.

For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest.

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

I like my cakes nude, like I like wearing coats made of icing. I sweat hot coffee, so I wear cream deodorant. If you’re tired, you should lick my armpits.

I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.