You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

I’m an understanding guy, even when I’m standing over you.

What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And I assumed I was wearing the most astrological outfit of the century.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

A book called Life of Silence would get everyone talking. I should write it, using invisible ink. Or to really make it see-through, I should hire a ghostwriter.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.

I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can.

I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.

It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.

Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

You vote Democrat even if you vote Republican, because they’re two sides of the same coin. So stop flipping that coin. The illusion of controlling the outcome of the coin toss is why we’re all...

Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can’t run with them, or spread them?

Some people hide behind rules and regulations to deliver sadistic punishments, as if they don’t secretly delight in causing pain and abusing their power.

I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?

They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘ eyes are closed, so their secret locations aren’t revealed.

Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.

I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don’t come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.

I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said.

A twirling flower turns each petal into a fan blade. Who knew a symbol of love could be so breezy?

Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.

I wanted to study graphic design, because I wanted to work in an office with designer desks, ergonomic chairs, pool tables, and walls so colorful it looks like a flock of flamingoes exploded and splattered...

If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.

I am two lucky guys.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I’d rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?

My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going.

Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to...

I had a dream about you. When our talks ended, we left off with leftovers. I stuffed our conversation in Tupperware, but you just left it out to rot and decompose.

I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.

Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.

Of all the ways to murder someone, slowly, over the course of about 75 years or so, is the best way to not get caught. Nobody, not even Sherlock Holmes, would suspect a thing.

Robots don’t make better lovers, but Roberts do.

My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of...