Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.

Menus are sexist. I prefer the term womenu.

4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.

4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.

If man traveled as a centipede does, rather than with two self-interested steps at a time, more common ground would get covered.

If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for...

Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.

Orafoura doesn’t know shit about what I said, said Orafoura, quoting The Mythical Mr. Boo to me about the shit that’s been said about him.

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

Agatha’s older than I was when I was her age.

Blue skies, 77 degrees, and palm trees—I’m living the dream. Still, I could go for a nap, or a cup of coffee as large as my bathtub.

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.

This guy looks like a murderer trying to look like a normal guy trying to look like a murder. Could he be the killer? Only if M.C. Escher is the victim.

Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

Teen Spirit” I can offer you, if you’re interested.

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?

Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world’s population, like mental mayonnaise, we’d have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

A brick could be used as a yes, and a blanket could be a no. Make your life so positive that you could build a house with all your yeses, and forget the fact that...

I once took a vow of silence that lasted almost two years. Then, on my second birthday, I relented and started talking.

If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.

With anything, it either is, or it isn’t. There is no isisn’t. Except for zombies—who are both dead and not dead at the same time.

A blanket could be used to catch a hippopotamus. But you try it out first, and let me know if it works.

The woman I love rolled through town yesterday, and she didn’t even stop her wheelchair once as she passed through. I got so angry I had to walk it off.

I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.

A brick could be used as the ultimate bug crusher. But why you’d use a brick as a shoe, I have no idea.

I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.

Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.

A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we could figure out where sleep comes from, we’d know where it goes to while we’re awake, instead of thinking it just...

My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.

I tried to rinse off in the Shower of Love, but you had used all the hot water. So I just stood there, crying, and peeing on my feet.

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

If you want to see how fast I run, just give me a football helmet and notice how my helmet collects bug carcasses like a car bumper.

Ghosts are invisible. So are people who are perfectly average. Be great or be greatless.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big,...

Oh wow! I didn’t know knowing would hurt this much” and try to give it back. Once you know, there’s no going back to blissful ignorance.

A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.

If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it. Sadly, I don’t have a necklace like that. The closest thing I have...

I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

I’m as efficient as a fish in the desert. I make love like a sundial at night.

The Eternal Golden Braid.” I tipped it toward me and a lever released the bookcase revealing it to be a secret door.

Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.