There’s more salt in the ocean than in one bag of chips. Let this be a lesson in love.

A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you used a blanket instead. But don’t use the blanket that’s on my bed,...

I walk with a purpose. And a limp. (The limp helps serve my purpose, which is to gain sympathy.)

Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear blankets out in public.

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m...

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

With a tough decision, the act of flipping a coin allows you to figure out which you really prefer, because as the coin is spinning, you find yourself slightly pulling for either heads or tails....

Politician you out.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

He’s being silent again. Tell him to be quiet.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to be in love—but there are two people, two places, and one destination—in love.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

The Sunshine State.

My face and body are not my essence. My actions, ideas, and ideals are the stuff of me. My clone will have my face and body, but he won’t be me.

I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).

Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.

If I were as tall as the day is night, I’d be a midget.

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to reproduce a knock off to sell on the black market.

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

We made love like two smiles torturing a frown. My advice is to put it on the rack, and really stretch out the event.

Hard work would really open doors for me. So would being disabled.

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

To live a more authentic life, I’ve started studying the world’s best counterfeiters, the Central Bankers. But I can assure you, my love for you is not inflated.

My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.

I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Knock on wood for good luck—and if you think that’s the best way to get the door to open.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

I’ll get a gift for you, but I’ll give it to someone else to give to you, so that it’s like I’m giving two gifts: the gift itself, and the gift of giving.

If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.

Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?

Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

The best salespeople are not salespeople, they’re people who’ve not only bought the product, but also bought into the idea of the company and the brand.