The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

Be that as it may, it may be maybe, or it may be May, Bee.

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

I dropped out of school in the fourth grade to work in a shoe factory before I took up farming. I grew salmon—on trees.

The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).

Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his fault. I tried to wrap him as tight as I could without restricting...

I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness.

We were just kids, what did we know about love? I knew I loved her, and she knew she didn’t love me. Turns out we were both wrong.

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.

Love is an intense flickable mystery, like a booger.

Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.

Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life.

I love favors, because a favor is, instead of me doing something or paying you anything, why don’t you do it for me for free?

I whirled in the room like a tornado wearing a tracksuit. I wasn’t wearing a tracksuit, but I did have a smirk like a zipper. I loved her like my fly was open to criticism.

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to...

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way...

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.

I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes around every two years.

There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some coffee concoction that tasted like the charred remains of Hitler’s soul, and I...

She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.

This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will be great. You then write 11 things, of which two of them will...

He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may have been a third party involved.

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.

My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time.

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

Samuel Clemens.

A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment.

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

Chicken Noodle Soup for the Stomach.” I wrote it with alphabet soup, and then edited it with a can of chicken noodle soup.

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more...

I make love like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so why don’t I show you?

I am the coffee Randolph in your zebra escapade. Drink of me as you would any other time you swallow caffeinated saliva.

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

I couldn’t throw a basketball through a hula-hoop, but I could drink coffee through a fishing net. But why do that when I’d rather fish with a thermos?