With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Your unborn children cry in your testicles. I can hear them when you masturbate. Your mother loves me more than she loves you.

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.

I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m...

I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.

Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones arrive.

The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.

See men run. Semen swim.

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. Temptation overtook me, so I reached in the car, popped...

I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

Lots of stores have self-checkout lanes now. That’s clever. They get us to buy their goods—and do their work too. Instead of paying cashiers to check us out, it’s like they’ve enticed us to pay...

Conversations.” Of course, it’s all talk at this point.

When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt...

The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?

I heard Africa was having a drought, so I mailed them a bucket of tears. Hope that helps, fellas.

I like to spoon after I fork.

I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I...

Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.

If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I’d use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so...

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.

The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.

If it is what it isn’t, it must be love. And I must be in it.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.