The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

I started writing to get women, or rather a particular woman, and I continue writing because it’s now a compulsion.

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

I’m creative, I make up almost everything. But with all my creativity, I couldn’t make up with my wife.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

If my clone were a painter, he’d be an impressionist.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

Couples should be able to share their dreams with one another. That’s why for just $69.69, you’ll like what I have to sell you. It’s not just one tube and two suction cups you each...

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

After they broke up, Renaldo’s ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only had his best interest in mind.

I had a dream about you. My office was a closet, and your office was a huge fur factory. I wanted a raise, and you got the elevator.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

I had a dream about you. You loved me, and I loved you. We had an amazing life until you realized that I also loved your clone. You were jealous, and I didn’t see the...

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?

I had a dream about you. Two empty benches sat on a man, and I jogged by but did not stop, because I knew if I did I’d fall asleep and that damn tortoise would...

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

I wouldn’t mind showering in the rain, if there weren’t so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?

I read about sneezing and immediately sneezed. I must be allergic to reading.

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk.

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.

I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans not named Norman is underestimated in history, and I fear neither woman nor...

Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And I assumed I was wearing the most astrological outfit of the century.

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.

I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.