My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we...

I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.

I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Knock on wood for good luck—and if you think that’s the best way to get the door to open.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

I’ll get a gift for you, but I’ll give it to someone else to give to you, so that it’s like I’m giving two gifts: the gift itself, and the gift of giving.

If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.

Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?

Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

The best salespeople are not salespeople, they’re people who’ve not only bought the product, but also bought into the idea of the company and the brand.

I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.

I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.

Make yourself interesting to history. Master some aspect of life, and then find a different area and do something crazy. Become a painter, then round up a herd of cattle and slaughter them with your...

I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.

If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.

A country isn’t something concrete, composed of intertwined individuals interlocked together. That’s absurd. A country is abstract, with some silly frilly flag and pomp and a song—a national anthem. But dust off the glitter, replace...

I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I...

If I were facing a firing squad, I’d ask them to hold on just one second, because I have a wedgie and it is very uncomfortable. Let me adjust myself, and then you can shoot...

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer’s other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

A blank canvas is so abstract that only imagination can fill it. But wait! Don’t hang it on the wall like that. It’s upside down.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.

A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.

So what if that one resident is shy? Do shy people not count as citizens? Do introverts not pay taxes?” You tried to claim that you were talking about population size and classifications on categories—nomenclature,...

The first airplanes looked more like flying furniture than the soaring dildos of today.

A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they normally serve.

Yes, but they also don’t protest when you root through their pockets.

I have a chip on my shoulder. I don’t have a bad attitude, I have a nacho, and I’m saving it for later. People don’t realize how hungry love makes us.

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to...

I’ve been to the Big House. Not prison, but the Biltmore Estate.

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.

I don’t want you to do anything.-Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.

A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

The guy in the white fedora looks like he’s reading a love letter. I say that only because he looks so confused, what else could the subject matter be?

I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.

A brick could be employed to stop global warming, by using it to clog up the world’s smallest volcano. I would use my penis to plug up the hole, but it already burns while I...

I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It’s good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.

I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.

A blanket could be wrapped around people who’ve recently been electrocuted, because I’ll bet it’s really warm under those covers. I’ve always wanted to roast marshmallows in my sleep.

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

I once saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I didn’t know infants could be terrorists.

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since I first met her. And being the best man doesn’t make me feel...

If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.