Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer.

Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has a smile like silk sliding across freshly shaved skin, and she always leaves...

Maturity doesn’t advance linearly, like you steadily and readily becoming more profound in your thinking. No, it staggers and stumbles like a drunk.

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.

Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though...

My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to me.

Networking isn’t synonymous with partying. If you’re doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.

I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.

Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to...

I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.

I have a penis like a fire hose, and I’m here to put out the flames of desire.

Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me.

A can of tomato juice is not like a can of blood. Still, I drink one daily.

Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my...

I’m such a good salesman that I sold my sales job. I sold it for ten I love yous and a bag of fellatio.

I have the lips of a lisp, and I kiss like kith. It sounds silly, but it feels more romantic.

Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the...

I’m on a shoestring budget, which means I don’t have any extra money to buy the surrounding shoes to even lace up.

I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I reply by doing the Charleston, I’m just trying to show my love for...

I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?

In the future, charities will be like pets. Everybody will want one, and millions will be abandoned.

Silence is expansive, filling up a whole room in seconds, like a balloon filled with awkwardness. It’s amazing how saying nothing can be so different from having nothing to say.

When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.

The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides me. Of course they do have something else to talk about. They could always talk about the weather. But...

My password is lovehate. I love it. And I hate it.

The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.

A rocking chair in the middle of a boxing ring. You know, for the lover in the fighter. Also as something more entertaining than watching boxing.

You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail.

Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up, Lazarus style.

I can’t sell you while you’re trying to sell me. So how about we just talk and call it networking?

Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper...

I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.

I put the lover in clover. Especially if there are four leaves.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

After years of immaturity, I finally have my act together. As far as acting, it’s very slapstick.

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

I’m a year older than 365 days ago, and I’m having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me. Everything reminds me of death. Especially bending over all day to steal the...

Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

Instead of making trash cans cylinder shaped, they should make the mold look more like a person, to help with that ever baffling question: Now that I’ve killed him, what do I do with the...

Hey, what is that over there?” and I pointed over your shoulder, and when you turned to look I scribbled my name on the bottom of page one.

I’m as much a lover as a cumulous cloud is a beard of God. My mustache can’t make rain the way I make love.

A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get...

It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

whispering wind.” But what are these secrets of the breeze? I don’t know, but I don’t want a gossip to stand downwind of me.