My love is atonal. It sounds like a bodily function (walking, or sometimes running).

The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.

My bedroom is a fridge with a window, because I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I cuddle like warm meatloaf, but hardly ever with warm meatloaf.

Initially, I’m one E short of being a JOKE. Midgets are also short.

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

The Black-eyed Peasants.

Power lines are great places to hang my clothes—especially since my closet is full of birds. I make love like I have wings and know how to fly.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it’s sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don’t like squeezing sponges. The only time I like...

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I put on my midnight-black blindfold. I’m just naturally romantic, I guess.

Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.

When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first taking off my bunny ears.

I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

Guacamole makes an excellent facial cream. It won’t reduce wrinkles, but I’d sure enjoy scraping it off your skin while you sleep, as I munch on nachos as quietly as I can.

This is my own personal logo

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde, and she had blue eyes. Or maybe that was a different woman. I...

I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me.

I had a dream about you. You had a gun to my head, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense you were holding a needle to my temple, because I was Mr. Bubblegumhead. I just wanted...

Razorblades and Cyanide.” That should come as no surprise, as we have seven bridges from which to jump from.

A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a...

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven. He was deaf, and you were blind to the fact that you had...

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

I don’t expect you to except me, but I do expect you to accept me.

My alarm went off. My sleep went on. Dreaming about coffee is not the same as drinking down coffee.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

I don’t sit on material like a sofa. I also don’t sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.

Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.

We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not...

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

I’d like to write gibberish in Latin, because if people aren’t going to be able to read it, they might as well not read it in a dead language.

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

Welcome to Unwelcome.

While all men want to be free, some want to be free to think what they want, and other men want to be free from the burden of free thought. These men seek freedom through...

I think now is the best time to be in love. No other time in history is more perfect than right now. Especially since I’m currently drinking coffee.

He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.