Don’t step on my toes. Especially if I’m walking on my hands.

Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat.

I’d like to write a screenplay about my grandpa, and I’d like my future grandson to play the part. Talk about a mindfuck!

I’m trying to cover all my bases so I can be a complete baseball nonplayer. I’ve already not bought a bat, a glove, and a bed to sleep on.

Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.

Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.

I had a dream about you. A fire raged in a forest, and we just laughed, because we owned a marshmallow factory.

The river didn’t fall down the mountain. No, it took the escalator. I love swimming down stairs like I’m Michael Phelps in a wheelchair.

My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it.

I like to bunch words together to form new words, like “off” and “ice” to form “office.” But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office...

The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.

You’ll know I’ve gone into ninja mode because I’ll have turned out the light. I make love like an assassin, and if you hear me snoring, I’m only pretending to be asleep! All love is...

Love rules the world. Like a tyrant.

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

Left-handed and eyes closed, it’s how I masturbate—while driving at night. If you want to know how I make love, you’re going to have to pay for admission.

I love you like my soul is not the moon. It’s brighter—and bigger.

I’m so paranoid that everyone starts to look like everyone. I convince myself I’m a con named Vince. My lips are thin and tight, but my tongue is broad and loose. I’m taking my secrets...

If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it because your initials are AAA, because your first middle, and last names are all first names, or because a business...

Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through the window to get them.

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

I could open my mail, but isn’t the mystery more fun? So you see, I’m not disorganized after all. I’m a romantic.

Like a boxer on a treadmill, I hit the ground running. It was my first time being in love, and if enthusiasm were a sport, I’d have been sponsored by Nike. Or Adidas, whichever offered...

If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter...

Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.

Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.

All this talk of lost love has made me hungry. I eat like a horse and stand tall and proud like a jockey.

How to Lose Weight Through the Miracle of Diarrhea. That sounds like a bestselling Romance novel title if I’ve ever heard one. I’m a sucker for a good love story.

I gathered my courage like nuts and berries, I cautiously approached her, I waited for her to turn her head, and then I sprinkled them in her yogurt. Sometimes you just have to take a...

After you first tell someone you love them, the weight of the wait for them to tell you they love you too feels like an elephant doing jumping jacks on the back of your mouse-like...

I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit. This was staggering considering when I went to bed it was just a...

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no...

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have harmed anyone, but since you added no value to life, are you really...

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

I was fashionably late in my unfashionable clothes.

I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if...

I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!

Weerd is a weird way to write weird, but seemingly more normal than weird. Also, hate is a weird way to write love.

The big, burly oaf offended my girl, so without hesitation I rushed to her defense. I did, however, make a few stops along the way, and by the time I got home and back, the...

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.