I drink coffee with a spoon. It’s like soup, only less sleepy.

At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500 miles later, I regretted my boldness.

I’m 50% in love. To put that into a visual, I am a 3’ tall midget aspiring to be a 6’ tall man, with the coffee capacity of a narcoleptic camel.

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

Her hair was the color of coffee without cream, and she fell in love with me when I poured sugar on her. Probably.

I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to myself. I’m like that all the time. Being heroic, I mean.

You can’t write with dry ink. Likewise, using another author’s dried words to make your writing more fluid is not only dishonest, but it’s against everything I stand for as a former lifeguard.

Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I...

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...

I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

This is my logo for Mouth

One Jarod’s a lover, and one Jarod’s a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

With love, it’s better to act now and think later. Write your love poem after you’ve made love, and not before.

I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.

Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry. And I just want to sell tickets to an event people will pay...

On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was a coach looking to recruit some new fruit, but I decided to give...

I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in...

I’m a farmer of love. Just add water.

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, “If you can read this, Happy Birthday!

The wheel is man’s greatest invention, and as such, unicycling is the world’s purest sport.

My mustache is cute and furry, like a cat.

My TV’s broken. It’s step one in my goal to read more.

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons.

I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?

In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.

When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I’m faking my friendliness.

My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me more of an advance notice, say another 30 years.

When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258)

My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

Dad.

I’m the same old guy I was when I was a young guy.

I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t. I’m different now, in that now I’m drinking coffee.

I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.

A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath.

The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

There’s nothing like a good murder to remind us all how much love there is in the world. That’s what this guy’s probably thinking, as he stands alone and naked—emotionally, not physically—as he’s obviously wearing...

A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends.

For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.

The moveless man moves along like the mist. The mist doesn’t hide, but all things are hidden in it—including the fog. Love is the only thing that moves the moveless man, and he hasn’t the...

To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.