I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and in fact, Thor has an Erdős number of three. This means that Thor...

This is my logo for Two-Faced

I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That’s one of my hobbies, when I’m not impersonating statues of mimes.

A tie is a two-way loss, not a double win. Only a loser feels like a winner by being the equal of his opponent.

Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the Bensalem edition).

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

Design is body language for inanimate objects.

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

Flowers, fragrance, and freedom make me think of her. Love turns the opposite inside out.

I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.

It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.

Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

I did a face plant. Ivy was her name.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

We made love like two shy people who acted like we’ve never acted in front of a camera before. Aside from the lead actor, I was also the producer, director, cameraman, and financier.