Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

No need to get sexual with me.” I’m a bring my own elevator kind of lover anyway.

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

Forget food for thought. Give me food for my belly.

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at me.

She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.

hurry up and wait.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

I love food that carries food. Run, waiter, before I eat you too.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take...

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting.

The past is always more innocent, because it exists peacefully in the unreachable and unchangeable parts of the imagination.

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

Oh, look, there are jobs available in Jacksonville! Today there are two jobs for me and 1.2 million other people in this city to choose from. I can either go into the advertising industry by...

Would you rather be affluent, or influential? I’d rather be fluent in the language of love.

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

Conventional wisdom holds that water is liquid at room temperature. Well, not if that room’s temperature is 32 degrees. That also happens to be the optimal storage temperature for all the love I have for...

I am the Cheese Cube of Desire. Sometimes you’ve just got to live dangerously.

I get scared at night. That’s why I got a cat—for protection. Cats are deadlier than Teddy bears.

Instead of mascots, there should be mass cots, because these sports fanatics are intellectually asleep.

I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed.

My love is a six-toed mutant, like a Hemingway cat. Pet it wisely.

I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning.

I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try to sell them to discerning lovers.

I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

I had a couple of friends in high school. And by a couple I mean my parents.

I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.

Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic.

Good friends are like appendages. It’s painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.

I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

I love meatloaf.” Of all the things I could have said, that summed up what I hoped our relationship would one day become.

I agree with both these guys. Better make it a whiskey sour.

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

I floated like driftwood in the ocean. I wasn’t worried about sharks, because my bathtub is much too shallow.

I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).

A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency.

Why would the US try to win a war? War is an assembly line of death that is highly profitable for politicians and weapons manufacturers. An ongoing war is a conveyer belt of cash. Once...

Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).

A brick could deliver the zeitgeist through the thick skull of a politician faster than any letter or email.

I need your help. Hold this water balloon while I pee in it.

We made love like two smiles torturing a frown. My advice is to put it on the rack, and really stretch out the event.

A brick could be used in a smash and grab. Well, at least in the smashing aspect. A blanket would be more suited to the grab role.

I’ll work hard to win fame and recognition from the public, and then I’ll work hard to remain anonymous and unrecognizable and become as private as a hermit. I’ll be hermaphroditic with my notoriety, embodying...

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches.