I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.

I had a dream about you. I was lonely and you were lonely, and you suggested that we could be lonely together. But I just scoffed because if we were lonely together, we wouldn’t be...

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Love, it’s overrated in my book. Really, in my book I gave it 11 out of 10 stars. But stars are like political votes. Who’s really counting?

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if...

I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or...

My ambition is as deep as your pockets. I’m an aspiring politician.

Love is talking to one woman, but thinking about another woman. Now that’s commitment.

It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.

I want to be able to Foxtrot, without actually getting fur on my clothes.

The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers,...

I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.

My friend, coworker, and neighbor didn’t have a way to get to work, so he asked me for a ride. I told him he should just not show up, stay home, and collect unemployment for...

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

When I want to feel productive, I box up my stuff—and then unpack everything. With my work ethic, and my unethical nature, I think I’d make a perfect politician.

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.

I’m looking for a man— -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.

I had a dream about you. You were cooking me dinner, and I was standing by the stove questioning your every move. You found me ungrateful, and I found the number for Chinese takeout. I...

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

I had a dream about you. I asked you to dance, and you said you already had a partner. That was when I noticed you were embracing a mannequin, and I felt my face get...

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I’d respond in a raspy voice, “Your brother ran over...

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited...

I’m hungry for success. And lasagna.

A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they have to overcome if they are going to achieve their goals.

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.

A blanket could be used to announce your intention to announce your intentions. Make sure the blanket is neon orange though, or you might not get the attention you deserve.

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No, for a band called The Doors, a name like Rusty Hinge would have been more appropriate.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.

It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his...

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not.

Look at the size of his Naples!

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.

Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.