Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.

Dream dialogue: -Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different. -But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.

I wish he had even half Napolean’s height in ambition. Maybe then he could stand taller and be proud.

I write love quotes for all ages—Teenagers, Young Adults, and even the Middle Ages—like between the years of 1200-1700. Erasmus loves my work. Well, probably he does, but as he’s dead you really can’t prove...

I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery.

I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of my talent, and boy does my talent itch. It’s like a red mosquito bite the size of Mars.

Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today.

Yeah, you could say her and I are lovers. She wouldn’t say it, and neither would I, but you could.

The beauty of the ocean, it takes your breath away. Especially if you’re underwater. She also took my breath away. She suffocated me with her love.

Bricks could have been used to stop Napoleon’s army from advancing into Russia. And blankets could have been used to keep Napoleon rolling in victories.

I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

The internet’s a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.

A brick could be used as a color in a new line of lipstick, designed to woo the mason of every woman’s dreams.

Being negative, that’s no good. Also, being no good is no good. By your silence I can tell that you love me. Either that or you’re a disciple of Helen Keller.

Mow the carpet, vacuum the lawn, and make love like war.

Two things in life are certain: uncertainty, and I’m not sure about the second thing.

If I told you I don’t tell lies, that itself would be a lie.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s the best place to hang a noose. More politicians need to be sticking their necks out for us.

Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.

If I have succeeded, it is because I have failed. And if I have failed, it’s because of my father. It’s all my dad’s goddamned fault.

I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.

A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.

I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.

I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.

Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along, it’s mine for the taking, and nobody’s going to say nothing. It’s not...

When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large.

If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel. Why just the other day I ran over a rat, and I felt...

My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.

I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.

A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.

Love is a cloudless sky, and I’m having the longest drought of my life.

I had a dream about you. You smiled at me, and I blushed like a red rose. Then you started sniffing my cheeks and I realized you were a bee and I’d been deceived.

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

Entrepreneurs adopt the ways of the adept and adapt to a changing environment. Actually, entrepreneurs are more enterpreneurs, because they are forever entering into new territory.

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me’s & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote...

I’m a disciplined author. My diligent daily writing technique is called sleeping.

I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I’m a natural politician.

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.

I’ll carry Carrie, yet keep my hands empty. I’ll hold her in my thoughts.

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

A politician’s autobiography is a book that’s nothing more than a collection of paper, like toilet paper, only it’s stacked instead of rolled.

Boys will be boys. Well, some boys will be girls.