If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into my drink before chugging, would I absorb those positive attributes faster?

The speaker was so boring that he put me to sleep. But he didn’t stop talking, so I had to wake up and tell him to keep his voice down, or stop talking altogether, while...

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a...

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

Love makes sense to me in the same way that this statement might make sense to you: Parakeets flock like sheep flock like wool covers your eyes like a bald kidnap victim willingly locked in...

Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a...

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.

This is my logo for Steve

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.

I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.

I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said...

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

The only thing tinfoil should cover is a Kiss. But you wouldn’t know anything about kissing.

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.

My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you’ve got the garden, I’ve got my whole life.

I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But...

I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

I am illiterate. Just not in English.

My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d recommend wearing flip flops.

I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?

The only book I’d read in the shower is Naked Lunch, because my bathtub is in the center of my kitchen. I make breakfast like I make love, and sometimes I’m so hungry I make...

Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack is more the editing part, figuring what needs to be cut.

Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.

Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his chest in protest of any kind of bloodshed.

I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me to write it. You see, he only speaks French, and I don’t speak...

String several words together in a sentence and you have a language necklace. My I love you would look great with your favorite red dress.

I want to write a song about one man’s level of commitment called, “I’d walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.

He thinks he’s a writer. He couldn’t write the alphabet, even if you spotted him the first 25 letters.

Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute.

To save the environment—and my childhood memories, I merged a gas station pump with a jukebox. Look, my car now runs on 80s music!

I went on vacation and it rained like coffee drip brewing. It must have rained several inches, and all in a concentrated area about the size of a coffee pot.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.

There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literature. At this rate, I should be done with my million-word novel in about 999 minutes.

If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.

If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I’d reply, “Why thank you. I think I will!

I never knew what love was until after I got divorced. But I’ve always been a bit dyslexic.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she...

For every uneaten sandwich there’s an unopened sandwich bag full of baby’s tears. I’d give you a straw, but around here, those anal devices are rare. Also, I think I’m in love. Either that or...