Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.

A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.

I love letting her know how much she means to me. A love in secret is but a shadow that’s cold and lonely.

I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn’t crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.

Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.

I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

If you strip away my flowery language, you’ll figure out I’m really talking about bees.

I had a dream about you. I was lonely and you were lonely, and you suggested that we could be lonely together. But I just scoffed because if we were lonely together, we wouldn’t be...

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Love, it’s overrated in my book. Really, in my book I gave it 11 out of 10 stars. But stars are like political votes. Who’s really counting?

Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.

What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if...

I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or...

My ambition is as deep as your pockets. I’m an aspiring politician.

Love is talking to one woman, but thinking about another woman. Now that’s commitment.

It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.

I want to be able to Foxtrot, without actually getting fur on my clothes.

The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers,...

I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.

My friend, coworker, and neighbor didn’t have a way to get to work, so he asked me for a ride. I told him he should just not show up, stay home, and collect unemployment for...

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

When I want to feel productive, I box up my stuff—and then unpack everything. With my work ethic, and my unethical nature, I think I’d make a perfect politician.

It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.

When you were in the hospital, dying, I called your mom. I didn’t tell her you were gravely ill, but we did have phone sex.

My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound the Designer that created me is.

My hand inside a glove is like a painting in a frame, and should be insured as such. The things my hand makes have immense value, so how much more valuable is the thing that...

My face is pizza-shaped, and my acne in high school was like pepperoni. Thank God it was carry out and not delivery.

Statues look like people, but people shouldn’t act like statues—you know, be set in their ways like stone. I make love like a sculptor paints, minus the wine, plus the grape juice. Suck me like...

I planted a plastic plant, but nothing grew but political hope. I watered it with the tears of the voters.

I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

No thanks, I’m asexual.