A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!

Instead of rolling out the red carpet, what about a cherry Fruit Roll-Up? Sometimes celebrity is a path you have to eat in retreat.

I was saddened to hear about a death in her family. I’d much rather hear about many deaths in her family.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

Welcome to Pantsland. Have a seat. Empty your pockets of masturbation and throw away your love of self-love.

A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit man is more honest, as he doesn’t claim to be helping humanity. Holistic...

Money is seen as a great evil. But I’ve never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price.

Assistant” around your asshole.

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.

Coffee has a way of waking my soul, much like drinking liquid heaven would.

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.

He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, “I need something that’s going to put food on the table.

I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her out to coffee, but she hinted there wasn’t a watch big enough to...

I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.

The best reason to fall in love is because you’re alive, your heart is open, and your wallet is empty. I prefer women with lots of money.

I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

A company with no advertising is like a car with no headlights—it runs smoothly during the day, when people are awake and shopping, and saves money at night, when people are asleep.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

Half is 15%, if 30% is 100%.

Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.

I had a dream about you. I was a mannequin with a record player for a head, and you were an aspiring DJ. You lusted after me and I was appreciative, because you were the...

I have salmon slippers. I just hope the bears don’t try to eat my feet. Not that it matters, since the empty turtle shell stole all my love.

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, “I wish I could capture the weather in a bottle.” Without looking at me he said, “You can capture rain in a...

Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into my drink before chugging, would I absorb those positive attributes faster?

The speaker was so boring that he put me to sleep. But he didn’t stop talking, so I had to wake up and tell him to keep his voice down, or stop talking altogether, while...

I’m selling a rainbow in a bowl (no spoon included). I’m calling it Love Soup, even though it’s nothing more than tap water.

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a...

The thing we have in common is we both love to make love. Maybe one day we can merge our mutual interest and make love to each other.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness.

I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches...

If words were leaves, would you prefer fall or spring?

For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

I cry at weddings, but not funerals. One’s a sad event, and the other a joyous one.

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

I love you—but not now. I mean don’t bother me now, not that I don’t love you now. Also, now for me isn’t now for you, as my watch is five minutes fast, and that’s...

When I didn’t see a ghost, I knew I’d seen a ghost, because ghosts are invisible. This logic also lets me know when I’m in love.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?

I watched a truck go up in flames. It was hauling cigarettes. It was the first tragedy I’ve ever smoked.