Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my...

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

I had a dream about you. I was drinking a cup of coffee, and you were a cup of coffee in the process of taking over a man. I thought I was consuming you, but...

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

I started writing to get women, or rather a particular woman, and I continue writing because it’s now a compulsion.

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

He asked me an important question, so I said nothing, but silently reached for a piece of paper and scribbled down the words: Peacocks love peach cobbler.

I’m creative, I make up almost everything. But with all my creativity, I couldn’t make up with my wife.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

Sometimes I pretend I’m from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future’s like, huh?

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

If you take away my office, how will I get no work done?

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

How am I? I would be good if I weren’t stuck at work. I work at a glue factory.

After they broke up, Renaldo’s ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only had his best interest in mind.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

Like eggs, I’m scrambling to get ahead in this economic depression.

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

I go to networking events because what else am I going to do? I’ve already finished my daily planning for how to take over the world.

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

May you fall on a fork and get eaten by a cannibal.

I wouldn’t mind showering in the rain, if there weren’t so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

In business I play hardball, because softball is for high school girls. People don’t know I used to be a pitcher. I was full of water, until my ex wife poured it all out.

I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.

Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her.

I hid my grief well. (Hint: it’s in the basement)

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.

What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And I assumed I was wearing the most astrological outfit of the century.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.