Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I’d still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You’ll hear my flattering words when you see...

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

Most kids start talking by age two. I didn’t say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn’t “Mom” or “Dad.” It was “No.

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other...

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat.

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

Can you spell that for me? I’m colorblind.

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won’t be using them.

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

Are there any sleeping jobs, because I have a lot of experience. Years and years, actually. And with on the job training, I can show up to work tired.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

I don’t argue with opinions, and I don’t argue with opinions. I don’t argue against them, and I don’t argue using them.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

In high school I attended a magnet school—for refrigerators.

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

If I owned a house that had a bathroom with no toilet, only a urinal, I’d call that the number one room, and I could easily both describe it and point to it with one...

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards in the air if you lob it just right.

It’s so windy tonight the window is rattling. I guess it’s time to turn off my fan and turn on my anti-hurricane machine that’s powered by love.

Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.

If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them.

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

Snuggling is an art. And I’m no Rembrandt—I’m a cat. I am pure cuddling genius.

I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.

My bathtub is big enough for two people to fit comfortably in separate showers. I’m the kind of lover that Lowe’s home improvement salesmen who are working for commission dream about.

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”