All the planning for the first ever Sleepwalking Parade has made me tired. I think I’ll go for a walk.

If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon.

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.

I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.

I’m in good shape. That shape is round.

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

I told her I loved her, knowing she’d tell her I loved her and I wouldn’t have to tell her first face to face to see her reaction and feel rejection.

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)

Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.

Not too many people are talking about silence. People are suspiciously silent on the subject of silence.

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.

I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure.

I’m not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on today.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify...

It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh, before it goes rotten and I have to sell it to McDonald’s as...

A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.

If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but the only person I’ll let live my life for me is my clone....

Johnny Kickstand bullied me in middle school. Today, Kickstand stands 4’7” tall. Well, he would stand that tall if he weren’t in a wheelchair. So he’s a cripple and a midget, but he still whooped...

I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who loves losers?

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat’s litter box. Ah,...

I never scoff at coffins, because they’re like coffee cups you can bathe in. Well, coffins are like Starbucks’ coffee cups, only they have more life inside.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

The idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.

I would be out of town, but every time I move, my home keeps relocating to where I’m at. My coffee is caffeinated, and my friends are either decaffeinated or nonexistent.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.

Sometimes I’ll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I’ll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels...

This white guy’s probably all defensive because the black guy accused him of being the killer. But come on, the white guy’s obviously not the killer, because only one murder took place. Now, if there...

My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV show is on mute.

Love is a blur. So is this picture. But what do you expect? Murder is fuzzy, like a peach. Yummy!

There are going to be a lot of eyes on this year’s annual Blindfold Convention. People always want to watch what they can’t watch.

I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.

I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.

Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.

To be the only one who knows is lonely. No wonder Solomon, the wisest man, needed 900 concubines.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college degree, too. Both require the same reading level.

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half...

I am an eater of water. I mean drinker. My love comes in a package that includes a straw/spoon.

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).