I eat east and west, and I eat them at the same time. But I drink my coffee north to south.

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

shit!

I visited Seven Sisters Inn, and all I got was a gun pulled on me. But that’s OK, because I brought a spare pair of underwear. Oddly, I didn’t find the man who stuck a...

Ruby has eyes that sparkle like emeralds. Or sapphires. Not too sure what color her eyes are, because I try to avoid eye contact with murder suspects—especially if they are sexy.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

I’m wise when it comes to your issues, and a fool when it comes to mine. Emotion is the blindfold we cannot see or feel we’re wearing.

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.

Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it’s probably covered with cat hair—love, I mean.

You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?

She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can’t figure out why journalists would write something...

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

Soup has water value, but water doesn’t have soup value. That’s like my love—really watery, but rather tasty.

A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you.

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

I wish art was like money in that the more I made, the more interest it developed and plentiful it became. Money makes money, and if art made art, there’s no prison in this country...

To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting...

I yell at yellow like I purr at pink. If they were more fluid, I’d pour meows in my morning coffee.

Rather than demolish an abandoned warehouse, why not just cover it with graffiti and call it art?

By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.

It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.

In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

I had a dream about you. Half the people wanted to kill me, and half the people wanted me as their President. It was up to you whether I lived or reigned, and you made...

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.

I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to...

On is to no, as Dora J. Arod is to Dora J. Arod. And brick is to blanket, as Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora.

When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.

I had a dream about you. You whispered in my ear, and I couldn’t quite hear what you said because Beethoven was being deaf too loud in the corner of the room. I thought you...

A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to build a life with you, or as a high velocity projectile.

War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.

Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often speak to me when I’m trying to read.

I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late.

Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not with this book. Well, except for the mystical bit. This book is guaranteed...

Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were a coin worth 7.5 cents, she’d be that. And I’d be the vending...

If I were a mad scientist, I’d use a brick in an angry way. And if I were a mad scientist, I’d use it in a diabolically clever way. Probably I’d use the brick, in...

To be in love is to be in two places at once. Zombies and Schrödinger’s cat are also in two places at once.

I want a job with a great deal of freedom, like riding on the back of a bald eagle.

Blankets are covers, covering the sins of my fathers.

We made love like two sand dollars in a vending machine. She said she wanted marriage and kids, and I said all I wanted was a soda.

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and you’ll see what I mean.

Love is two Tuesdays back to back, and I’m just a lonely Wednesday waiting on today.

If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.