A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

Like a boxer on a treadmill, I hit the ground running. It was my first time being in love, and if enthusiasm were a sport, I’d have been sponsored by Nike. Or Adidas, whichever offered...

I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.

When some Jeff tries to be other Jeffs, ain’t no Jeffrey in the house to be found smiling. Also, there are no Jeffries in this house.

Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.

Why have you left me, Yesterday? Was it because I slept with Today? I have a routine. Every day I do something different.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

I gathered my courage like nuts and berries, I cautiously approached her, I waited for her to turn her head, and then I sprinkled them in her yogurt. Sometimes you just have to take a...

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.

I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.

A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

My girlfriend and I are close. She’s like a brother to me. My brother is also dating her. We make love like mannequins and mashed potatoes, despite the fact that I’m single and an only...

In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.

I’m for a big government. A big government contraction.

After I speak, my words merge with the wind, and if you’re listening, your ears act like sails and carry the conversation.

You don’t love me!” Agatha shouted. When she said that, I said I couldn’t agree more. Of course I completely disagreed with her, and that is why I simply could not agree more. It took...

Love is timeless, but man is not. I think I’m early.” It’s true. I was a premature baby. I was born generations before my time.

I love her like a major holiday. You know, not enough people celebrate the joy that is Tax Season, with the High Holy Day coming on April 15th.

My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you have somebody they just HAVE to meet.

I set up a meeting with Tom Morrow and Yes Terday, and I’m afraid I’ll be both a day late and a day early.

Is this Jarod? This is Jarod. I’m you—from the future. I’m exactly like you—only better! By the way, congrats on your upcoming wedding! Spoiler alert: divorce

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.

Andrew is such a diplomatic name. Or at least it is for the first three letters, as and is a word that works hard to join things together and promote cohesiveness.

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.

Love takes many forms, but I’ll bet none of them are tax forms. I would work for the IRS, but I’m just not that romantic.

I am the Wheelbarrow of Love. Let me get back to work.

For our fourth date, I said I wanted Italian, and she said she wanted Chinese. We decided to compromise and meet at the movie theater after we’d both eaten.

A road that’s narrower than the width of my car’s wheels could only be lover’s lane. Hitchhikers make the best lovers.

To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.

The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.

I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.

I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to...

Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the...

She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time.

Experience is the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it’s true.

A squeegee is a sponge on a stick, and if there is a tangible item that’s more romantic, I don’t know what it is. Never go on a first date without one.

Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen.

They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why it takes me 18 seconds to sneeze.

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.