Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously massaging my left hand with my right hand. I am clenching my jaw...

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what...

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

In times of flattery, the only sin is sincerity.

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan that looks like green hard candy pieces, about the size of Smarties, and...

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

The Rockies are the backbone of this country. And I’m no doctor, but I think we have scoliosis.

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

Love is a miracle drug. Shoot it up through your toes, so nobody knows.

Love is a four-letter word, like frog, only with more kissing and less princing.

Not many men will love you like me. Of course, I’m not many men. I’m just several men. Or I will be, once my clones arrive.

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.

I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.

When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick.

Her love was decaffeinated, and mine wasn’t. Her love was also black, and mine was creamy and sweet. How could she not want to drink it up?

If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if dating a beautiful yellow bulldozer was wise. Is my bulldozer nothing but a...

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

Coffee is the only brown liquid I’d drink out of a toilet. Well, almost the only one, as I’d drink number two for the number one in my life.

After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.

Sales is a solo endeavor, a cold and lonely venture. Or it can be viewed in that aloof manner. It can also be viewed as something warm and symbiotic, and I think that’s what all...

I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

I killed my clone. It’s not murder, it’s partial suicide. I want a stiff drink, but not alcohol. I want formaldehyde.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

When you use your pen to think, you’re never wasting ink.

Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening...