Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray.

My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to be the best me first.

Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

I want to share my thoughts with you. Press your forehead firmly against mine, and let my mind transfer to yours. You won’t receive love, because that’s a feeling, and best communicated with a kiss.

I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

Something’s different about Mr. Different. The same can’t be said about Ms. Same. The two would make the best lovers, but that’s impossible, because I’m the best lover.

What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.

Blankets could be used as scapegoats for global warming. But why blame the blankets? Wouldn’t it be more fun, and more accurate, to blame politicians?

If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.

It’s amazing how nostalgia filters out the bad and focuses only on the good.

A brick could be used as a mule. Sure, you could argue it’d be better used as a donkey, but I’d counter that with some jackass comment.

Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport I’ve got to protect my genitals.

I wish the military were the militerary. Less fighting and more reading.

The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the...

My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.

I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.

When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.

I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.

I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.

Hi, I’m from the future, and I’m here to destroy you.” But that is irrational. The future me isn’t out to destroy me, because the me of my past already did a thorough job demolishing...

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

Love is like a beautiful summer day in the middle of winter. I’ve got shorts on, so it seems like a good time to invade Russia.

Oh no, one of us is about to die—and the two women don’t think it’s going to be either of the two women.

This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.

I’m passionate about being compassionate. It takes a lot to give of yourself, and that’s why it’s such a gift—for both the recipient and the giver.

Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician’s pants.

Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?

I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.

A brick makes an excellent window cleaner, if you throw it hard enough. Before you know it, your window will look so clean you’d think it had been replaced with a new one.

Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs in, and keep driving way over the speed limit. You are in control...

I saw a sign from God, and it said, “Church starts at 8:00 am.” I cried out to God saying, “I can’t make it because that’s too late. Eight am is two hours past my...

I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was...

My goal is to do the most with the least—get the maximum output with the minimum input.

I thought the movie was too short to pay for, and too long to be free. But I’d watch it again, if I were wearing a blindfold and stuffed in the trunk of a car....

Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only $44.44 I’ll sell you a gift that would be perfect for the child...

I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt...

I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved. I’m so bloody needy.

I’m picketing pickpockets, because I hate politicians.

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things, I have everything I need. Well, aside from love.