I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.

I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

In the future, man will travel on flying carpets, and shoes that float on water. And we’ll all make love together, as one, as one might masturbate today.

I own nothing, but at least nothing owns me. Well, besides the bank.

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at least at the time of this writing).

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

Last night at work, I was short people. I was two midgets and a mute.

Love is like a rain cloud under the dome of an umbrella. But I’m cool with that, because that’s what I call a portable shower.

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

I often wonder how far I’d go for love. I guess it all depends on the price of gas.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

I’d like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could really wave in the wind. It would be the most welcoming flag in...

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

Tell me there’s a God, and I’ll believe you. But tell me you’re not in love with me, and I’ll shoot you an incredulous look. Then I’ll shoot you.

My hotel room faces the ocean. My face is also oceanic.

A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large tilde sign.

There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is 2012, and I think the world is progressive enough to finally accept houses.

I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that. I’m the same with cars. If you ever need help buying a used...

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.

I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for your sadness.

I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

I planted the seed in her imagination, and then I farmed it. Like a fisherman.

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

A Taste of the Gulag.”

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?

Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know.

The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.

I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.

The Italians say ciao. The Chinese say Chow. And the Americans chow while they say stuff.

The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Better than learning how to speak a foreign language, is to start speaking the truth. But few people will listen, because they just don’t understand.