She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

If it is what it isn’t, it must be love. And I must be in it.

I hid my feelings for her for years, and I thought all was well until my neighbor went digging in her garden and found them buried in the ground. I’m so embarrassed I could just...

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

There’s more salt in the ocean than in one bag of chips. Let this be a lesson in love.

Jacksonville is home to the most romantic man in the known universe. And it will be for some time, until I either move away, or my clone arrives to challenge me for my title.

A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you used a blanket instead. But don’t use the blanket that’s on my bed,...

I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.

Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear blankets out in public.

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m...

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

Politician you out.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

The Sunshine State.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea...

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.

I don’t have any inkling what to do with all the ink in this digital age. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of love letters to a dead author. Who moved my mayonnaise?

Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get to keep your intelligence, integrity, loyalty, and honesty, whereas any other politician in...

People think coffee can be drunk with or without cream and sugar, but coffee can be drunk more ways than that. Coffee can be drunk awake or asleep, and coffee can be drunk by the...

I love Ocala. I also love anal sex with midgets. I mean I would, if I were an averagely perverted politician.

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed...

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

Jacksonville has more sex offenders than any city since Sodom. Or Gomorrah. Actually, I may be mistaken. I always confuse sex offender with politician.

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

One woman is smirking, and another is averting her eyes with disinterest. It’s just like what happens when I bring up politics with strangers.

All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.