Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

A sign read “Free drinks for billiards competitors only.” Hand-lettered below read “All others will pay.” It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings...

Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled.

In my early writing, all of my characters were exactly the same person. They all spoke the same, made the same types of jokes, reacted the same, etc. I think they were all just me...

Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves’ bull. Ever’body was out...

Most jokes state a bitter truth

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called ‘educated’ making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious...

Tobin,” Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn’t a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally – I mean, you don’t want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, “Guy walks into...

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The crowd is willing to accept a few jokes at their expense, but they won’t accept a host who turns the entire event into a joke. And the challenge is even greater for a host...

Mom, how come you never go outside?””I told you, I’m a vampire.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Jokes are hilarious only when you take them unreal and dreamlike, otherwise it becomes painful. So I always live otherworldly…

Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.

…the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

Old Tom giggled, “Fooled ya, huh, Ma? We aimed to fool ya, and we done it. Jus’ stood there like a hammered sheep. Wisht Grampa’d been here to see. Looked like somebody’d beat ya between...

A man must serve his time to every trade / Save censure – critics all are ready made. / Take hackneyed jokes from Miller, got by rote,/ With just enough of learning to misquote.

You need to understand that some comedy can have consequences.

What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?””Ask a glass of water!

It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes – it’s just never going to happen.

Nick is a tobacco lobbyist who loves his job and doesn’t apologize for it, which [as a role] is exciting and fun because it’s politically incorrect and titillating you get great jokes out of it,

kept on talking and talking, you couldn’t contain him, an avalanche of friendly phrases and jokes. I finally felt an almost physical consolation, warmth that I had forgotten for some time.

A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes aren’t funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

He loved to tell bad jokes.

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the...

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn’t say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I wrote about how much I trusted God. I wrote that I was praying...

…if you think the worst you’ll get the worst, but if you think the best…””and then everything will blow up in your face anyway. Don’t you get the punchline yet? Its the great cosmic practical...

Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.

He was mischievous, determined to make you laugh. They could be stale jokes, lousy jokes, but his delivery was always timely.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

Don’t answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you’re joking.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

A joke without a point, inane and bald, itself a joke on joking may be called

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

Childhood was the germ of all mistrust. You were cruelly joked upon and then you cruelly joked. You lost the remembrance of pain through inflicting it.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

He had to ask her!”I realized that there were some cultural barriers Kian and I might never transcend.

You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.