The right honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.

The itching sensation that some people mistake for ambition is merely inflammation of the wishbone

A number of the jokes were taken out of context or they were misunderstood,

I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.

Sorry, no professionals.

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

Sooner or later, all talk among foreigners in Pyongyang turns to one imponderable subject. Do the locals really believe what they are told, and do they truly revere Fat Man and Little Boy? I have...

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

Casy said, “Ol’ Tom’s house can’t be more’n a mile from here. Ain’t she over that third rise?”Sure,” said Joad. “Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it.”Your pa stole it?”Sure, got it a mile...

Most practical jokes, I’ll feel too bad for the other person so I’ll stop just before the punchline.

Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you’ve got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality...

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Jeg kommer netop nu fra et Selskab, hvor jeg var Sjælen; Vittigheder strømmede ud fra min Mund, alle loe, beundrede mig – men jeg gik, ja den Tankestreg bør være ligesaa lang som Jordbanens Radier...

I will cut taxes – cut taxes – for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.

It has been my experience that, even when a man has a sense of humor, it only really carries him to the point where he will join in a laugh at the expense of the...

His joy was a release of Paul’s conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of...

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

I have been so very, very fortunate in my life. I’ve met or been in contact with several of my childhood heroes. I’ve interacted with people all over this planet, and even though I couldn’t...

If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.

I could never do stand-up because it’s that thing of having to get up on stage. And out of every 10 jokes you tell, nine of them have to get a really good response.

I wonder Pa went so easy. I wonder Grampa didn’ kill nobody. Nobody never tol’ Grampa where to put his feet. An’ Ma ain’t nobody you can push aroun’ neither. I seen her beat the...

It was a family joke that Lydia’s domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created.

I was always Armie. There couldn’t be a 90-year-old Armand and a 9-day-old one. And I heard enough jokes about baking soda.

Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!

He was in a good mood, cracking jokes. We didn’t talk much about (the shooting). We tried to get his mind off it and talk about other stuff. He’s like a brother to us.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

I prefer sayings over jokes.

They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.

Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more...

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

A sign read “Free drinks for billiards competitors only.” Hand-lettered below read “All others will pay.” It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings...

Remember how I found you there alone in your electric chair, I told you dirty jokes until you smiled.

In my early writing, all of my characters were exactly the same person. They all spoke the same, made the same types of jokes, reacted the same, etc. I think they were all just me...

Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves’ bull. Ever’body was out...

Most jokes state a bitter truth

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called ‘educated’ making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious...

Tobin,” Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn’t a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally – I mean, you don’t want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, “Guy walks into...

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The crowd is willing to accept a few jokes at their expense, but they won’t accept a host who turns the entire event into a joke. And the challenge is even greater for a host...

Mom, how come you never go outside?””I told you, I’m a vampire.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Jokes are hilarious only when you take them unreal and dreamlike, otherwise it becomes painful. So I always live otherworldly…

Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.

…the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

Old Tom giggled, “Fooled ya, huh, Ma? We aimed to fool ya, and we done it. Jus’ stood there like a hammered sheep. Wisht Grampa’d been here to see. Looked like somebody’d beat ya between...