I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they’re, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal…and you wonder why the attack you. Because of that man, and its up to me and a half mexican to stop him!

Doesn’t matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

There’s a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, … I’ve heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like...

I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous.

I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

I have no grand scheme.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

What’s the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I don’t watch reality TV. I’m cool.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones...

I don’t watch reality TV.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I never wanted to be famous.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post...

My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

I’m not like a performer type.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I’m not really a music guy.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike.

I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.

Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.