If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in...

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. “Right. It’s just that… He died. And I’m so freaking pissed off, I swear I’d punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in ‘Vrski’ and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don’t be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don’t you love...

It’s a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can’t fly a midget on a kite over central park.

Captain Bradbury’s right eyebrow had now become so closely entangled with his left that there seemed no hope of ever extricating it without the aid of powerful machinery.

My mother tells me I do not chew my food enough; she says I am making it harder for my body to get the essential nutrients it needs. If she were here, I would remind...

On the way home, I saw a fist fight between an adverb and a pair of parentheses.I kept on walking.

Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.

Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!”…”I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting,” she said. “I’d just rather not reap a...

Jacob glanced across at the woman. ‘She’d have you for breakfast, mate.”Yeah,’ Luca countered, ‘maybe I want to be had for breakfast.

She’d never known a man whose initial move was to undress the woman he wanted.

Teaching kids is like a 5 year old box of chocolates: You never know what you’re gonna get, but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be good.

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though’, said the squadron leader. ‘Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?

one blow in anger [would] kill, probably, a child from aged two to eight. Those over eight would take two blows to kill.

Usually after a good puke you feel better right away. We hugged each other and then said good-bye and went off to opposite ends of the hall to lie down in our own rooms. There...

The meaning of sex is illustrated by two eponymous heroes of British history, King Edward VII (who flourished in the years before the First World War) and the King Edward variety of potato which has...

I phoned the Admiral back.’It’s no use, Admiral, the French speak nothing but French.’There was a short pause on the end of the line then his voice rattled into life like a sabre.’They’re lying, Tim!”What?”The...

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at...

Whenever Elliot Norther’s wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband’s close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied...

What have you got in there you little bastard?

Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.

He often came back ‘all thinky’ from work.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it

Jeremy tried to be an interesting person. The trouble was that he was the kind of person who, having decided to be an interesting person, would first of all try to find a book called...

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

There is nothing we can now call our own, for what we call so is the effect of art; crimes are made by decrees of the senate, or by the votes of the people; and...

Heaven. The biggest waste of our time we ever invented, outside jigsaws.

Foxbrush sneezed again.He couldn’t help himself. It’s not something a fellow likes to do when a stunningly beautiful woman is leaning toward him with an expression on her face like Nidawi’s wore. But sneezes are...

I’m pretty much awake now.” (P) “The last time I said that, I passed out in the bathtub.” (I) “I remember that. Neil covered you with towels and said that he found a mermaid.” (P)...

He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip. “And what about...

Can you tell me the difference between a witch and a wizard?Sure, a wizard is what they call you when they want to hire you, and a witch is what they call you when they’re...

I am a drinker with writing problems.

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a...

Stop flirting,” he tells her, but he looks at her breasts and thinks, The girls with the bruises in the sex films are just dead dolls, but this pretty toy is alive.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows’ necks.’ – Senor Sempere.

Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.

In his autobiography Stravinsky relates that the first music he remembers was made by a peasant, working his hand in his armpit to produce a rhytmic farting.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

I’m sorry,” he muttered. “If I… uh, hurt your feelings or something.” She glared at him. “I’m not hurt. I’m pissed off and sexually frustrated.” His head snapped back on his spine. Well… then. Okaaaaay.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is...

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

The pen is truly mightier than the sword. Unless you’re holding a pen and the other guy’s holding a sword.

Xander Harris: “Just when you think you know a guy he robs a mass grave and takes off.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this yet, but Jenny Sullivan likes to overuse people’s first names. It’s a technique she read about in a book called Own It – Take Life By The Bollocks....

If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons.