We all hold the keys to our own jail cells.

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

Money’s scarceTimes are hardHere’s your fuckingXmas card

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up...

This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger...

Deux choses sont infinies : l’Univers et la bêtise humaine. Mais, en ce qui concerne l’Univers, je n’en ai pas encore acquis la certitude absolue.

The world is your lobster!

Ivanov: Gentlemen, you’ve again set up a drinking shop in my study… I have asked each and every one of you a thousand times not to do that… Look now, you’ve spilt vodka on a...

I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.

So why don’t you just sod off like a good little lackey?

I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff

You would make a very ugly woman””I would not. I would be stunning

…And of course they’ll get their milk from us, because Gooch’s milk in the village really can’t be trusted. I do hope, Henry, the vicarage drains are all right if Martin is to go there,...

The beagles are partying under Geiger’s desk.

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

If you’re getting chased by a lion, you don’t need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. – Tim Ferris

And where,” Socrates smiled, “is the universe?””The universe is well, there are theories about how it’s shaped…””That’s not what I asked. Where is it?””I don’t know – how can I answer that?””That is the point....

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,’ Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way of haggling, and he’d beaten down the riverman to a decent price for...

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You’re the corpse in an English...

Donegan Bane and Gracious O’Callahan – the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it’s sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.

I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

You go to church to respect God, not the priest. By not going to church, you disrespect God, not the priest. – Don Camillo

WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?” The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

Is that a trick question?

I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.

Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

Its done.’ Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.’No chance, you first. You’re already dead it won’t kill you if you drink it.’Penteluck frowned. ‘Zayne I’m already dead, how will...

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

I had always been warned that American didn’t always get sarcasm

I violently dislike you,’ she said, and then she was gone, slamming the door and leaving a sort of shocked silence behind.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

I wasn’t saying whatever they’re saying I was saying. I’m sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still...

It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor...

You don’t scare me, Cadence Jones. I’ve lived with crazy, I’ve ridden with crazy, I’ve vacationed with crazy, I’ve visited crazy in various hospitals, I’ve sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think...

110, 111 whatever it takes!”Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

Another oral exam, huh?’ Peter said.’Shut up, Peter,’ said Valentine.’You should relax and enjoy it,’ said Peter. ‘It could be worse.”I don’t know how.”It could be an anal exam.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

Indifference is the revenge the world takes on mediocrities.

I don’t know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head...

She often felt like she had been cast in a supportingrole with the film that was Louise. And there was more melodrama to be found there than a full-scale Merchant-Ivory period production. Tonight, she was...

Everywhere that we looked, were objects & artifacts reminiscent of a bygone age. of war & destruction, of mankind’s determination to rule his neighbour, to prove how mighty he and his people are, yet a...

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.