I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

There’s an emergency link to the defence grid, but that’s only for use in the direst emergencies.” “And of course a mile-long unknown intruder approaching your main source of power isn’t an emergency?” Karan hesitated,...

It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug...

All good writers are weird. Proudly weird.

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

My dear, I don’t care what they do, so long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

Oh, those hateful sods will never make it to Heaven. They’re all on an express elevator to the gay spit-roast dungeon in Hell. Within five minutes of kicking the bucket, they’ll have demon balls swollen...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

One of the poets, whose name I cannot recall, has a passage, which I am unable at the moment to remember, in one of his works, which for the time being has slipped my mind,...

I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.

Walk tall but don’t bang your head on low hanging branches.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Murder is only killing in the wrong place.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

He should probably make love to her.

Let me get this straight. The future of our relationship hinged on advice from a fifteen-year-old girl, a probably untrue story from a one-eyed Chihuahua trainer, and me unromantically – yet skillfully – kissing you...

Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

Are you following me?” He asked.”Us?” I was the first to speak. “Um, maybe. Hi there. How are you tonight?”He looked at me like I might be a bit crazy.

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven’t the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly...

Chic rarely bothers to leave the Rue De Faubourg Saint-Honore.

Something…normal,” he finally said.

my sword reappeared in my pocket.yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me “smoking can cause fatal lung cancer”.

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!

Well, I don’t, I’m making this up, but I bet I’m right.

Sometimes you don’t even have to have sex at all, and for that kind of sicko, you charge double.

Give me a fucking pre-med you fuckers, I’m a personal friend of Sir Lancelot Spratt.

The man behind the check-in counter gives the impression that he has just axe-murdered the motel’s owner (and family, and family pet) and is going through these procedures of hostelry so as not to arouse...

“Surely you have considered terrorist activity?”There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere,...

The official recruiting process for their posse began. Because Carlos, Narc, and Trevor each had high SQs, Heeb and Evan reasoned that adding the three to their group would raise the average SQ of each...

The very sight of a daffodil still makes me shiver, because spring in the north of England is always so bitter.

He was a Parisian,’ he said. ‘You can never be sure what Parisians believe in – beyond Paris of course.

Madness has no sense of humour

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

Think before you speak, unless it’s urgent

I am not sure,’ Mordecai told Thomas, ‘whether omens can be trusted.”Of course they can.”I should like to hear your reasons. But show me your urine first.”You said I was cured,’ Thomas protested. ‘Eternal vigilance,...

Frankly speaking, I’m not afraid of death. I don’t endeavour to avert its advent. But I don’t want to be a witness of it.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

Very often the test of one’s allegiance to a cause or to a people is precisely the willingness to stay the course when things are boring, to run the risk of repeating an old argument...

You should visit the Palatine. It’s at the top of that hill . . .””I know where the Palatine is, Dexter, I was visiting Rome before you were born.””Yes, who was emperor back then?

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

What’s it like to be a living legend? A lot fucking better than being a dead one…” Geordie Selwyn, Appetite for Corruption

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Valence passa une main sur ses yeux et quitta la fenêtre.-L’alcool est là, lui dit Néron en tendant les bras.