The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a...

I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

How would I know which one I was?

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn’t know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

I told her that I can’t be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake… I’ve never liked wedding cake due to the amount...

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I’m getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, ‘cos if I’m not, I have no idea who I’m paying for.

We seem to live in a world where you have to walk around grinning like a loon. I can’t understand all the fuss about Mona Lisa painting, everyone wondering why she’s not smiling, if she’s...

It wouldn’t happen… There hasn’t been one publication by a monkey

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain?

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can’t relate to it. I think most people got into ‘cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all...

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It’s more useful.

It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug...

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an’ all this. It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and...

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It’s something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

A block of blood should not have the word “cake” after it…they might as well say “shite gateau

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. […] I’d seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it...