The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

You shouldn’t get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

There are some actresses that can’t do comedy; it’s too heavy-handed.

The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.

Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century.

I have no intention of retiring; I can’t imagine not doing stand-up. That’s where I started and where I’ll be.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

I don’t know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there’s a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That’s kind of regrettable.

The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I’m not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.

I can’t do a one-camera show. I don’t know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line.

I’m most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don’t have that, you really don’t have very much.

I think the thing about it is when you grow up in Chicago there’s such a thing as putting on airs, you know? And you just learn not to put on airs. Don’t act like, ‘Oh boy, I’m somebody.’ They’ll slap you down.

When I started, I was doing all the good comedians I’d ever seen. Then I developed my own voice. My routines are my natural way of looking at the world.

There isn’t a comedian in the world that hasn’t bombed.

I don’t want to sound like the old guy, but cynicism is a potential danger. It colors our way of looking at the world.

No matter what hyenas sound like, they are not actually laughing.

I have to warn you, I’m not just some sitcom guy. I’m now an author.

Chuck Lorre and I had been talking about doing one of his shows for a while. I said I’d like to do ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ because I think it’s the best written, most intelligent show on television.

With the advent of cell phones, especially with the very small microphone that attach to the cell phone itself, it’s getting harder and harder I find, to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone.

When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the plank.

I don’t know how to do a show not in front of a live audience.

More and more, as I get older, people come up to me and say, ‘Thank you for all the laughter.’ And my standard answer is, ‘It was my pleasure.’ But that’s the truth.

I was an accountant in Chicago, and a friend of mine, Ed Gallagher, was in advertising. At 4:30 every day I’d be bored, and I would call him. He’d interview me.

I don’t think of myself as an American Master. I’ve just been making a living.

You do a clean show and it’s over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you’ve enjoyed yourself, and you haven’t had to resort to shock.

I love portraying the totally indifferent person.

People are meant to be certain places, and I think I’m meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy.

I made people laugh as a kid, but that’s not how you make a living.

Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysterically. My favorite comedian, even though we work 180 degrees differently, but funny is funny is funny.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I’ll cry.

I really don’t know what makes a comedian. I think it’s a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn’t feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I’m a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn’t mean they should vote for the person I like. That’s why I always kind of stayed away from endorsements.

I don’t think too much about age. Maybe if you’re hurting, aching and arthritic, then you think about it a lot. But I don’t.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

I think there’s a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.

You may have done 20 great shows in a row and come to one, and it doesn’t work. You never presume anything.

I’m glad you can’t talk on your cells while the plane is in the air. That would drive me crazy.

I wasn’t the class clown. I wasn’t that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they’re watching the class clown. And I’m standing in the back, and I turn to the guy next to me and I say something funny to him, and he starts to laugh. And the guy next to him...

I was very political when JFK ran.

Funny is funny is funny.

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don’t work that way. There was a temptation in the early ’70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

I am one of the great wasters of time. I have made it an art form. I can get up at 8 o’clock in the morning, be out of the house by 8:30 and back by 5 P.M., and I’ll be going all day long and accomplish absolutely nothing. It’s an amazing talent.

I don’t watch that much television.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I’m not about to screw with it now.

I’ve had time off, and it drove me nuts. I was crawling up the wall.

You’re not dead at 85. You’re a long way from it. Go out and enjoy. You’ve earned it.

I’m not a classically trained actor. I’m not a product of Stavlovski method or anything like that.