Don’t live in the past. There’s no point. You can’t change anything. What a waste of time.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

I’ve been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I’m just another slightly amusing accountant.

Funny is funny is funny.

Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn’t afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.

I loved ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ because I like Ray and I thought it was beautifully cast, I thought it was great writing. I thought Patricia Heaton was wonderful.

I found the most difficult thing when you became successful – when I had the record album, it won Album of the Year – that you were cut off from the source of your material. Your material was everyday people, and you were kind of cut off from that ,and you had to work at...

For some reason, comedians are still children. The social skills somehow never reach us, so we say exactly what we think without weighing the results.

You do a clean show and it’s over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you’ve enjoyed yourself, and you haven’t had to resort to shock.

I made a record album in 1960 and it exploded, and I got all these offers for TV.

Don Rickles and I are best friends. I know that might seem strange to those who know Don only by reputation, but somebody has to be his friend. Just to make sure I don’t forget, Don gave me a doormat that sits just outside the front door of my house. It reads: ‘The Newharts: The...

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though you’re poking fun at someone or something, there’s still an affection for it.

Sometimes you forget you’re famous. You wonder, ‘Why is that person staring at me?’

Comedians are never really on vacation because you’re always at attention… that antenna is always out there.

It’s kind of hard coming from ‘Saturday Night Live,’ which is a sketch-driven show, to a movie.

For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.

Don’t be silly and don’t waste your time.

When I was off TV, people would ask me to please come back, which I think was their way of saying, ‘There’s nothing out there for us.’

When I started, I was doing all the good comedians I’d ever seen. Then I developed my own voice. My routines are my natural way of looking at the world.

I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn’t work, then I knew it didn’t work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn’t torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened.

I was not influenced by Jack Benny, and people have remarked on my timing and Jack’s timing, but I don’t think you can teach timing. It’s something you hear in your head.

The greatest comedian I’ve ever seen is Jack Benny. He wasn’t afraid of the silences.

I know Chuck Lorre personally, and am familiar with his work going back to ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Cybil.’

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail.

I don’t know how doctors pick one specialty over another. Some you can understand. Pediatricians. Or gynecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology?

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn’t feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I’m a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn’t mean they should vote for the person I like. That’s why I always kind of stayed away from endorsements.

When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the plank.

‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show’ was the best television, the best cast, the best-written television show ever.

I wasn’t the class clown. I wasn’t that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they’re watching the class clown. And I’m standing in the back, and I turn to the guy next to me and I say something funny to him, and he starts to laugh. And the guy next to him...

Humor’s a weapon if you want to make it one.

I was an accountant in Chicago, and a friend of mine, Ed Gallagher, was in advertising. At 4:30 every day I’d be bored, and I would call him. He’d interview me.

I made people laugh as a kid, but that’s not how you make a living.

I have no intention of retiring; I can’t imagine not doing stand-up. That’s where I started and where I’ll be.

I’ve had time off, and it drove me nuts. I was crawling up the wall.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

I’ve always said people say on a dramatic show, ‘I was crying. It was so emotional when he went and grabbed that little girl from a burning building and handed her over to her mother.’ In comedy, the best thing you can say is, ‘I think it’s funny.’

I certainly don’t delude myself that there aren’t certainly more important things to do in life than make people laugh, but I can’t imagine anything that would bring me more joy.

I am one of the great wasters of time. I have made it an art form. I can get up at 8 o’clock in the morning, be out of the house by 8:30 and back by 5 P.M., and I’ll be going all day long and accomplish absolutely nothing. It’s an amazing talent.

You’re not dead at 85. You’re a long way from it. Go out and enjoy. You’ve earned it.

I can’t do a one-camera show. I don’t know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line.

Without great writing, you’ve got a bunch of actors bumping into each other.

There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and ’60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware.

I didn’t know I was cool, but I was very flattered that some of the younger comedy writers came up to talk to me at the Emmys. I found that gratifying.

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don’t work that way. There was a temptation in the early ’70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

I really don’t know what makes a comedian. I think it’s a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

I’m glad you can’t talk on your cells while the plane is in the air. That would drive me crazy.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

It’s getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.