No,” I agreed. “The zombie apocalypse is still a few years off, right?” “That’s up to you to decide. Tell you what, we’ll do it for fun someday when you’re really bored.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I’m going to kill the guy.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud

I think this goat must have been fed on old boots,’ Stubble complained as he chewed the last scraps of flesh from the bones littering his stew.

Shame comes in different doses.

Kalist likes to listen to the collective voices swell as more individuals in his colony arrive.

At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn’t be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he’d probably have a real moustache, not...

Who’s he seeing now then?””No idea. They’re like funfair goldfish; no point giving them names, they never last that long.

Evan ran his finger across the faded leather spines. He laughed at how silly some of the names were: Paint Your Roses Red, Edelweiss and Me, World of Mushrooms and Fungi, The Toadstool Diaries, Daffodils...

Manager! Have brain – use it!

You can see the people who thought they could come to London, bend over and pick gold off the streets. They’re all lying on benches in Trafalgar Square with hernias and cans of Special Brew.

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

The little waiter’s eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.

It’s just a chair,” but I like to think it’s more than a chair. I like to seek deeper meaning in things, even inanimate things. I know this makes me sound like a complete nutcase,...

Memang sulit menulis puisi. Dan untuk apa mempersulit diri sendiri.

REBEL” hats and Confederate flag bandannas. I laughed so hard I think I broke a rib.

Since I’ve moved here, you have shown up at my door eight times. I obey the laws, I pay my taxes, and I haven’t even gotten a parking ticket in my entire time as a...

Are you an evolutionist? I’m an absurdist, ma’am. But let’s suppose evolution is true; what about the monkeys today? Why can’t we see them evolving? Are they still evolving?

Ten thousand women marched through the streets shouting, ‘We will not be dictated to,’ and went off and became stenographers.

Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be.

You’re more mean-spirited than I remember you being.It’s this organic body. Hologram fur wasn’t itchy.-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Petey

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer...

The glamour’s off. Almost any question you ask can be answered. It’s only the questions that you didn’t know to ask that remain, dancing the can-can behind your back. The unknown unknowns.

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they...

Life is serious but art is fun!

Of course I began to see Nikki, which was strange because I was staring into Danny’s eyes, and Danny is a six-foot-three black man who looks nothing like my ex-wife.

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?

[novan]: bassists are very good with their fingers[novan]: and some of us sing backup vocals, so that means we’re good with our mouths too…(~ IM chat with Novan Chang, 18, bassist)

Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me...

That’s enough!” Holly scrambled out of her seat, too. “My three-year-old behaves better than all of you.” She looked down at LJ, who was trying to stuff a fry up his nostril. “And that’s not...

But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the...

Please don’t talk into the middle of other people’s crotch!

Odessa sighed. ‘When I said you were one of the smartest people in the company, I was referring solely to your technical abilities. Now get to work.

La loyauté de chacun d’eux —dont personne ne doutait— serait garantie par la présence des autres.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

Finalement, le plus grand bénéfice du métier d’humoriste, et plus généralement de l’attitude humoristique, dans la vie, c’est de pouvoir se comporter comme un salaud en toute impunité, et même de pouvoir grassement rentabiliser son...

Amy: Pond and her boys . . . my poncho boys. If we’re going to die, let’s die looking like a peruvian folk band.

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only...

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

Stay cool, and wait for opportunity.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

It’s the strangest thing about this church – it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now, they will say we, with our permissive society and rude jokes, are obsessed. No. We have a healthy attitude....

We were young, she continued, while she had a bad heart. Did we not want to earn our tips, she asked us and, cowed, we refrained from introducing the subject again.Her bad heart, I noticed,...

The Romans always wanted bread and circuses-food and entertainement! As we destroy their city, I will offer them both. Behold, a sample!”Someething dropped from the ceiling and landed at Percy’s feet: a loaf of sandwich...

What can you do for love?Can you leave a person for love?Can you leave a country for love?I think I wouldn’t even leave my couch for love

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.