Groundhog found fog. New snows and blue toes. Fine and dandy for Valentine candy. Snow spittin’; if you’re not mitten-smitten, you’ll be frostbitten! By jing-y feels spring-y.

I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.

See” Kayla links her arm through mine, leaving Blake to jostle and race the other guys. “I tell them I can handle my own stuff, but it’s like a mark of pride or something. I’m...

Dont ruin my balls!” She laughs as the words leave her mouth.Better yours than mine, chica.” I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I’ve got none left.

The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice the manpower to do half the work.

My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Soap wasn’t invented until the Romans, who also invented interesting sex. (Since my editor informs me that a gardening book is not a proper venue for discussions of interesting sex, I will go into this...

I hate you,” I muttered.Noah smiled wider. “I know.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

It’s all well and good to have profound thoughts on a regular basis, but I think it’s not enough. Well, I mean: I’m going to commit suicide and set the house on fire in a...

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took’s great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a...

I had a dream about you. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, like little kids, only we weren’t kids, we were just little. I think the technical term is midgets.

When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?

People need books like zombies need brains.

Last night at work, I was short people. I was two midgets and a mute.

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn’t I choose the lesser good?

John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.

I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either way it felt great to be so directionless and unaware of my surroundings...

It is odd how, when you have a secret belief of your own which you do not wish to acknowledge, the voicing of it by someone else will rouse you to a fury of denial.

Adrian, we hashed this out! Everything’s gone perfectly until now. Why would you even think about deviating from the plan?”Um, because that’s how we roll?

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

Out last chance is a cat’s magic sight. We are doomed.

When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I’m a restless sleeper.

I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you,” I told her, and she laughed.

In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.

[There’s a] point where you have to leave the dough alone. It’s silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat from touch and noise and drama,...

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!

Cartooning will destroy you; it will break your heart.

I know. He doesn’t,” Lydia answered.

The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?

I could not recall the last time I had been so flagrantly insulted.Don’t make enemies, I told myself.Swallow your pride.Hold your tongue.But the fact was, I had real difficulty with those particular virtues.

My vanilla ice cream has chunks of vampire blood in it. Yum.

Soup has water value, but water doesn’t have soup value. That’s like my love—really watery, but rather tasty.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn’t easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

What’s the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?

Improve your life by taking advantage of new technologies like bleach and a drinking glass. Show your love for the globe by reducing an overpopulated world by one.

I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for...

Torture is a federal offense,” she replied.

All right, I’ll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.

Boys are like purses. You’re always gonna have that one boy that you’re always comfortable with and you know you’ll always kind of like. That’s your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that...

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail….’No, you won’t.’We will,’ stated the robot simply.No, you won’t. It makes my ship...

Mrs. Friedman lived in a happy snow globe of AP History.