My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

It turns out that Molly wasn’t her mother’s daughter in that respect. Charity was like the MacGuyver of the kitchen. She could whip up a five-course meal for twelve from an egg, two spaghetti noodles,...

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

This is a lovely party,” said the Bursar to a chair, “I wish I was here.

We are not born with a need for knowledge, but a hunger for it. Eve bit the apple and it has been gluttony ever since.

He says black, I say white and we do grey

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

If they look as though they’re worried, we’ll move in.”And do what exactly?’ said Polly.’Threaten to shoot them,’ said Maladict firmly.’And if they don’t believe us?”Then we’ll threaten to shoot them in a much louder...

I prefer the light approach because I believe there is a great deal of false reverence about.

When your dreams turn into a nightmare, it’s time to wake up.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

All the shit you’ve shoveled from stalls in your life is nothing compared to how deep you’re in it now.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?Yeah, I guess I’m ready, but listen:Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the...

Today I will masterbate!Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Griggs.” Anson Choi feigns surprise. “What’s her name?””I didn’t actually catch her name,” Griggs continues.”Lily,” Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways...

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it.

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there’s someone else to do the housework.

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

Hey, Tracy you army brat, I think it’s for you!

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

Thanks, I try to look good.

It’s my experience that you first feel the impulse to write in your chest. It’s like falling in love, only more so. It feels like something criminal. It feels like unspeakably wild sex. So, think:...

I always pass on good advice, it is the only thing to do with it.It is never of any use to oneself.

There’s no trouble in this world so serious that it can’t be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.

I’m aware of that, and it is not pleasing in camp.

Is this bitch crazy? I don’t want to ‘accidentally’ drown

Coffee smells like how I imagine heaven will be scented. Would you like to spend eternity in my nose?

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: ‘Who’s the third?

Stop begging the question – get a job and earn the question like everyone else.

I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes around every two years.

Don’t ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

I once wrote a book ten stories high. Each story was a story.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

I hope I don’t run into the future today, knock on would.

Blood rushed to the regions of my body that I associated with naughtiness, and I was powerless to stop it.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come’Lincolnesque’ just means tall?