EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird–But if you’re a worm, sleep late.

What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them.

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

She said she doesn’t like your cooking. She said she’d rather eat a microwave dinner from the convenience store instead of something you cooked. Do you get it? Hm? Why are you being such a...

My only regret is that I don’t have more to regret.

Life must go on; I forget just why.

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed...

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much...

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

It’s perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I’m an exceptional person. Oh, don’t think I’m boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I’m exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can’t live by the rules....

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it’s no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I...

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

Percy’s thoughts: I don’t recommend shadow travel if your scared of:A) The darkB) Cold shivers up your spineC) Strange noisesD) Going so fast you feel like your is peeling offIn other words I thought it...

Susan had told him once that bravery was when you wanted to pee your pants, but you kept fighting

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study?

Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.’I was trying to make up the sofa bed so you could get some rest,’ he explained, and pointed to...

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

I call the right axe Sorrow,” she said. “You know what I call the left one?” “Happiness?” “Sorrow. I can’t tell them apart.

Where’s the dam water fountain I’m thirsty?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I had a dream about a poem once… that’s all, I can’t tell you about it because I had to sign an NDA.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable…in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does...

I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.

Math Superstar” program. After each assignment, stars of various colors signifying degrees of excellence were stuck on all the papers handed in. Like the Olympics, gold was the highest honor. Wendy, the girl who sat...

I like your opera – I think I will set it to music

He smiled. “I suppose I thought we’d have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair’s-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding...

Writer’s block is just a symptom of feeling like you have nothing to say, combined with the rather weird idea that you should feel the need to say something. Why? If you have something to...

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.

We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we’d care to live.” (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule...

Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.

Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored.

The smell of sex always reminds me of summer youth camps growing up.

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

Wherever he found his speech growing too modern — which was about every sentence or two — he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as “exceeding sore,” “and it came to pass,” etc., and...

That’s your mom, right?” Pathik smiled. “She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

Sophie held the [hand]cuffs higher, hopint to instill some sense of shame, if not in him, then at least in herself. One look at him and she wanted him again. “I found them in the...