We assassinate. We don’t accessorize. But I understand how it is possible to confuse the two.

We’ll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

Our love meant the world to me. Well, certainly a globe at least.

Amen,’ I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I’ll have forgotten about it and...

It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see…””You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?””No,” said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having...

REBEL” hats and Confederate flag bandannas. I laughed so hard I think I broke a rib.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

Growing up in my family meant ambushes on your birthday, crossbows for Christmas, and games of dodge ball where the balls were occasionally rigged to explode. It also meant learning how to work your way...

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.

To Trin Tragula’s horror, the shock completely annihilated her brain; but to his satisfaction he realized that he had proved conclusively that if life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then...

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

Whatever one does, someone is always happy…then again, someone else is not pleased

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

Cuando me di cuenta que el mundo era como esa naranja me dieron unas ganas tremendas de comerme un pedazo del mundo. Sentía una sed terrible y los dientes se me salían de la boca...

Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they’d have difficulty believing in Salt...

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

Shame comes in different doses.

The following Discourse [on art, by Sir Joshua Reynolds] is particularly Interesting to Blockheads as it endeavours to prove that There is No such thing as Inspiration & that any Man of a plain Understanding...

When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform so they can applaud me and throw me flowers and business. I always...

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Poor people are the salt of the earth. They should be sprinkled on icy roads, along with pretzels.

Esperanza’s side had so many colors, Crayola sent a scout.

You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

6. Sleep with a bra on every night in fear of your boobs dropping should you forget. Intermediate: Don’t wear a bra in the daytime. Advanced: Forget bras and wear the Hear Comes Trouble T-shirt...

and the HE stands up. if frenchy’s could bottle him up and sell him as porn, they’d probably own half of chicago within a year. he’s what would happen after nine months if abercrombie fucked...

and I don’t have to hold on with anything more than my toes

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed...

Hereos. Idols. They’re never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there’s something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them.

I’m productive. I make things like directions. Mostly I just make things up.

Dear Lynda Carter, Please be with me in my hour of need. Especially if I don’t have to twirl around to get my powers.

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

Homicide!” I called out

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me...

My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you’ve got the garden, I’ve got my whole life.

I’m not a hillbilly—I’m a hillwilliam. Or, rather, a William Hill. That was my name at the last networking conference, when I stole a nametag to make friends without fear of insulting them with lasting...

Talking about a problem sometimes makes it worse.

Well, don’t stand about like that, man; if you’re no use you’re certainly no ornament. Bring that in and tell me what it says.

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.

I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.

The internet’s a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.

Holly’s theory about the army,” Sharon explained.And what is it?” Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I’m considering writing a self-help book and giving people 20 cents to read it. This way, I can be sure they all get new paradigms.