Baby girl, five minutes alone with me and you’re gonna be begging me to taste your pie.

I speak the language of love. I just have no idea what it means.

A year ago I would’ve been taken in by his chivalry, but now I knew what laid behind the façade: a frog waiting to bite me where it hurt the most given half the chance.

Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

Politicians give criminals a bad name. A bad name like a bad word like shit.

Five syllables,” Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. “That would be real bad.

I’d been called a freak, and worse, all through school. Now that I’d finally graduated, I was sick of it. I’d hoped that no one would ever call me names again. Oh well, if wishes...

I am you in the future.” The only thing sillier than a clone, is a dream clone.

If more Africans had eaten missionaries, the continent would be in better shape

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: “The groin. The...

The great thing about the Internet isn’t that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply...

Are you tired, irritable, or suffering rom heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%.

The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God’s will just by breathing.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

I live dangerously, but I love safely. I always buy magnum condoms, because they’re the only ones that’ll fully stretch over my front door’s handle.

Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn’t fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins...

Hi there,” squeaked a precocious little voice, “you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone.

You could say that Facebook is doing a far more effective job than religion at teaching us to ‘love thy neighbor,’ connecting us with random strangers and ‘friends’ from distant lands.

That’s my girl,” he murmured.”I’m not your girl.””Well,” he said not bothering to hide his smile from her sightless eyes, “the good news is that the honey gave you back your sparkling personality.””And the bad...

I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.

Our love is secret, like the location of the lost Templar Treasure. Quick, grab a shovel and help me look for it.

Gordie, the white boy genius, gave me this book by a Russian dude named Tolstoy, who wrote, ‘Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’ Well, I hate to...

Peter! Were you looking for a horse-shoe?””No; I was expecting the horse, but the shoe is a piece of pure, gorgeous luck.””And observation. I found it.””You did. And I could kiss you for it. You...

The spotlight hides blemishes, and shadows hide from the brightness. When love shines down on you, you’ll be glad you purchased your Albino Survival Kit, available for sale starting at $99.99.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in...

I bet she likes it hard, from behind, probably likes to get spanked too. I mean, just look at her, she has a serious come-fuck-me-face.

I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don’t come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.

What’s this about?””Finally. Interest,” was the only response.”If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly...

I’m gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up,” she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. “That’s a good thing to be, Julia.””Although,” Frank said. “Frank Zhang would be good too.

There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.”[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]

I’ve been fortunate to work with hundreds of best selling authors and speakers which led me to a stark reality: Very few people advise you what NOT to do. Call it unconventional wisdom. I spent...

Cops, I’ve learned, are like vampires; they can’t come in unless you invite them.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do...

If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option in a two-party political system.

It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

I think computer viruses should count as life … I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in...

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands...

What’s a Dullahan?”He’s a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.”Headless?”Yes.”Seriously?”Yes.”So he has no head?”That’s usually what headless means.”No head at all?”You’re really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren’t you?”It’s just kind...

I once saw two rocks having sex, and I just shook my head because how stupid are those rocks? Don’t they know life only comes from life? Still, I voted for the rock on the...

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

The F word turns me on, she whispered. The F word?FoodHe threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time...

I make love like farm equipment—not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can’t tell it.

Oh, well, that’s not bad, I suppose. I mean, I’d prefer devastatingly sophisticated – but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?

I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.

Cats are meowable gloves you don’t wear, you pet to keep your hands warm. But I keep my hands warm the old-fashioned way—by applauding all the political rhetoric coming out of Washington DC.