Fate was a bitch, but she always had a wicked sense of humor. Today, he was her punch line. Tomorrow, she’d be laughing at them.-Darling’s thoughts

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

I’m really enjoying my solitude after feeling trapped by my family, friends and boyfriend. Just then I feel like making a resolution. A new year began six months ago but I feel like the time...

If I ever form a clan, we’ll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.

The president of the US is the leader of the free world, if by free world you mean the country with the largest prison system.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

Buttercup’s mother whirled on him. ‘Did you forget to pay your taxes?’ (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.

During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.

Silly me, thinking you actually had potential. I thought, Finally, she’s realized she’s a vampire. Now we’re getting somewhere. But now you’re just a big fluffy bunny with sharp teeth.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

Hey,” said Shadow. “Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are.” The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.”Say ‘Nevermore,'” said Shadow.”Fuck you,” said the raven.

The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?

Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things...

To err is human, to purr is feline.

A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it wasn’t me that farted in the blanket. That’s a bit too much information,...

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Shut up, idiot.

What you see is what you get.” Of course, I say it silently, so people probably don’t hear me.

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

Percy: Dad-Poseidon: Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.Percy: I’m praying, I’m talking to you, right?Poseidon: Oh…yes. Good point.

A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.

I’ve found the best way to revise your own work is to pretend that somebody else wrote it and then to rip the living shit out of it.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Every town you go to, they tell you what’s special about their town. What they’re number one at… This guy comes up and says, ‘D’you know that we’re the home of the world’s largest frying...

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

Never trust a fiction author. They spend countless hours making you believe in a world they created. They are among the best, most dedicated liars in the world.

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

When I was a wee little kid,” remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, “there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

I’ve just walked ten feet in the wrong direction, and I’m too tired to turn back around and trudge back. Oh, the lengths I go to for love.

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they’re out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

It’s hot out there.” I prowl toward her, pulling off my shirt. I maybe flex my abs a little- anything for my girl.

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.

If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.

That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been better thrown away. “Ah, Frank! I thought you were going to be down here fucking...

Aside from that.

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

I was watching a collection of vintage ’80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign...