My cat mocks me frequently. It’s the universe’s way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

We have to be back in three hours,” Ronan said. “I just fed Chainsaw but she’ll need it again.””This,” Gansey replied “is precisely why I didn’t want to have a baby with you.

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony — the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my...

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Don’t be an artist. Be somebody’s artist.

Is that a trick question?

You’re here. I’m here. I love you. I’m gonna pee all over the floor about it.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

No old Men (excepting Dr. Wallis) love Mathematicks.

You’re apologizing? Seriously, what happened to you? Have you been taken over by a pod person?

Stupid English.””English isn’t stupid,” I say.”Well, my English teacher is.” He makes a face. “Mr. Franklin assigned an essay about our favorite subject, and I wanted to write about lunch, but he won’t let me.””Why...

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.

No. I don’t give that number out to every Tom, Dick and Dracula,” Morgan muttered.

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

Where else,” I will say, “does an old turtle crossing the path Make all the difference in the world?

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover, just before I hit on them.

conservative n.A person who possesses an underdeveloped taste for tyranny.liberal n.A person who believes in liberty, but only for the state.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

I continued toward Atlanta with a Merle Haggard C.D. playing on the stereo. They weren’t great hosts, but those guys in The Ted Kaczynski Fan Club had great taste in music. It was all classic...

Show me a girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and I’ll show you a girl who can’t put her pants on.-Annik Marchand

My name’s Zara. I’m strong, I’m fast, and I totally kick ass. It’s great to be me…but that means right now it sucks to be you.

Look what pressure(cooker) does to Rice. It makes the hard and tough rice go soft.

We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I’d drink from a hose, but I wouldn’t drink from a horse. I have other ways of showing I love you.

I’m so sorry. I think I’m just tired.” The socially accepted excuse for being mental.

A gun that shoots out rainclouds is a delayed water gun. I need to just pull the trigger and tell her I love her, but I’ll wait until her umbrella is open and her bathtub...

What’s on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?

Can you enter a house uninvited?””No.””Why?””That would be rude.

Been there, done that. I’m sure I’ve got a T-shirt somewhere to prove it.

Rhiannon’s Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

No offense, Jaron, but I don’t want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be.””Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?””No.””Then you...

So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

Young men speak about the future because they have no past, and old men speak of the past because they have no future.

I had a dream about you. I was a cat. You were a red dot. And even those times I caught you, we couldn’t touch. But still I chased you anyway.

If your breath smells like coffee, I might try to drink our conversation. Wake me up with the words you’re speaking.