In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I...

Children want the same things we want.To laugh, to be challenged, to be entertained, and delighted.

Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They’ll believe anything they see in print.

What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I wouldn’t mind showering in the rain, if there weren’t so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?

I’m thinking there should be a dating site called “Tap That” – Jonathan “Jack” McVoy

…A person who is headstrong enough to open their eyes and their heart to the full depth and weight of the world is inviting in everything out there – both evil and good, both dark...

I’m always sad to leave Jax. So many magical moments here. Like the time I saw a rainbow give birth to a pot of gold, guarded by a dwarf in green.

The purpose of this life is to worship Allah the only God who has no partners or associates.And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)Quran Chapter 51...

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.

Past age fifty-five, I experienced the advancement of exquisite fabric choices, paint distinctions that were celestial in scope, yet so many other man-made objects, such as people, became drab, redundant and boring.

Man, didn’t anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn’t matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn’t be, it just is, and motherfucker, like or not, you’re sitting on a...

But you will.”And she knew he was right.

Chicken Soup for the Soul”. You’ve heard of these books, am I right? We’ve all heard of them. But I wonder if you’re aware of just how many “Chicken Soup” books exist on the planet....

If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.

I had a dream about you. You were guarding a bridge that I needed to cross. You asked if I had the proper paperwork, and I said I did, but I was just missing one...

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama – Their father can order an assassination, don’t piss him off.

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not...

A robin perched on the branch of the apple tree, his feathers ruffled, his red chest blazing.’No need to look so down in the mouth,’ he chirruped. ‘Things’ll get worse before they get better.”I don’t...

I was about to run, possibly fight, definitely scream…

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

If I had to live my life over, I’d live it over seas, like a cloud.

Western doctors are like poor plumbers. They treat a splashing tube by cleaning up the water. These plumbers are extremely apt at drying up the water, constantly inventing new, expensive, and refined methods of drying...

I’m Reginald Clark, I’m afraid of the darkSo please do not close this book on me.

I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have food all over it.

I don’t like to think of it as ‘stolen’. They have no proof that I didn’t plan on giving it back.””You’re kidding, right?”He shrugged. “You have no proof either.”She squinted back at him. “Were you...

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

My dearest girl,’ said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, ‘such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he...

All hen are created equal but some have more feather than others.

Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.

You thought I didn’t notice the way you two looked at each other? I may be old but I’m not blind. I remember thatfeeling. The spark, the electricity… ”I had to interject before I got...

I don’t care what other people think about me. Most people are idiots, and they can think whatever they want.

I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after...

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

We came around the corner and stood in the doorway of what looked like a paint-testing ground. This was where we proved once and for all that we were good loving parents. We decided to...

When I die I’m donating my body to science, because everybody loves a free buffet.

The best man day in the world would involve building a bridge and then blowing up that bridge. Which is why you can’t make a better man movie than The Bridge on the River Kwai,...

The Sweater Song” was inspired by a legendary cat sweater I knitted.

In a cube of awesomeness, I am the lemonade of longing. My love has twelve edges, like a pack of razorblades to an edgy suicidal maniac.

…now Eli was my new neighbor. Which was fine with me because I sucked at Math. Math and I were not on speaking terms.

I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle…. Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet...

DI Cartwright: The cat is booby trapped? DI Quill: Welcome to my world.

Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

My love sits on the stove like a cat with an oven mitt for an ass.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.