After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make...

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

Caesar was a serial seducer of married women.

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don’t get it: If you’re not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

And people think she killed him?” said Miss Tick. She sighed. “They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or something.””They never actually said,” said Tiffany. “But I think it was something like that,...

Secret 2791716. You can only scandalize people on their own terms.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it because your initials are AAA, because your first middle, and last names are all first names, or because a business...

I’m a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

Everyone knows how people who laugh easily create us by their laughter,–making us think of funnier and funnier things.

My mind didn’t clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to...

You can’t has,’ he whispered softly, ‘not yours.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

Jace?” She offered him the glass. “I am a man,” he told her. “And men do not consume pink beverages. Get the gone, woman and bring me something brown.””Brown?” Isabelle made a face. “Brown is...

I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

I hate the notion of a secret recipe. Recipes are by nature derivative and meant to be shared – that is how they improve, are changed, how new ideas are formed. To stop a recipe...

modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.

A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)

Perhaps not,” said Will, who had ears like a bat’s. “But I would make a radiant bride.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

The HAPPIEST people don’t have the BEST of everything… They just drink WINE.

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?

Why does that kid think so highly of himself?””Kids that think they’re so smart.They’re everywhere! Destroy is self-esteem!””Yes…I really do think highly of myself.People like me should get a taste of the ups and downs...

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don’t eat! Who knew?

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

At the end of the day” to bed.

Grandfather informs me that is not possible.

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

My dreams are shaped like a cat, only furrier. And my love resembles a dolphin, only fishier.

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.

Eat Bubblegum” dance, I can’t actually perform it because my belly doesn’t bulge out far enough. When I make love it sounds like I’m chewing on a chalkboard.

I steal sleep. I steal it from people who are asleep, because it’s not like they’ll even notice anything’s been taken until it’s too late—or too early.

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you’re willing to wait long enough.

I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

The most powerful sex organ was the brain, you know what that meansPoor Justin!

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.