I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow...

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don’t be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on...

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy...

I don’t know. They haven’t been in school for a while.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.

Starting over is not a sign of failure. I look at it this way: A person enrolled at the wrong life college, underwent some hellish classes, passed a lot of difficult tests, majored in perspective,...

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

I want him to kiss my ass in Macy’s window at high noon and tell me it smells like roses.

Today I am amused, and I haven’t seen anyone yet.

Missing you is worse than Pittsburgh.

All the Debbies in the world are too big to be little. Makes me wish I were just two inches taller, you know? I blame my dad—or the mailman. Not sure yet. I get the...

Unicorns are not real, though we still dream about them! DREAM ON!

Beware Stephen! There will probably be a magical combat of some sort. I daresay I shall have to take on different forms – cockatrice, raw head and bloody bones, rains of fire, etc., etc. You...

original boyfriend” not obstetrician – was just ridiculous looking.

I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

Grandpa said I was speeding, but he drives as fast as a parked car, so anything that moves as fast as a statue is supersonic.

Well, you finally got me,” Helen had whispered to him, tearfully, but Garp had sprawled there, on his back on the wrestling mat, wondering who had gotten whom.

You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.

When you’re on your deathbed, you won’t regret not having spent more time cleaning. Buy brown carpet, to camouflage the coffee stains.

It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.

Just a little off the top!”- A. Boleyn

Hippos are the very definition of Disney cute. There is no way you could look at a big, fat, squishy, huggable hippo and not think, “Id she could talk like a human, she would sound...

You’ve been one busy worm!

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love’s name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like an extended blink. That way, if anybody asks if you’ve seen it, and you say No, you fell asleep halfway...

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

If it’s glorious to fail in great attempts, then #gloriousfail should definitely be a thing.

Anything worth doing’ is a problematic premise.

I am a fact factory. I make things you can’t make up.

I hate pulling out… I mean, I’m really bad at the whole parking thing….

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

She is a famous artists’ model who claims to have been christened Topaz – even if this is true there is no law to make a woman stick to a name like that.

He thinks himself rather an exceptional young man, thoroughly sophisticated, well adjusted to his environment, and somewhat more significant than any one else he knows.

Jace suggested that the cast of “Gilligan’s Island” could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

Coffee has a way of waking my soul, much like drinking liquid heaven would.

Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

Only show compassion and empathy to those you can trust.” If we did that, we would be burying homeless people every day.

If I tried to mail our love, it’s irregular shape and unknowable dimensions would make it difficult to box up. That’s why I’d chop it up and stuff it in a garbage bag, like it...

WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! Oh, right.$1500.” From “Clown Porn” in “Broken Headbone

There was a sound of steel meeting steel. Devin flung a desperate look over his shoulder, saw Hewet fending off two men behind him, and looked ahead in time to see ten men in light...

There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch of the ignorance of the community. By carefully chronicling the current...

Wealth—one billion, two billion, what’s the difference? The difference is one billion—the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.

If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?

It’s in a can. It’s good forever.