They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun.

Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.

Exactly,” Lightsong said, “I’ve actually considered expanding the theory. I am now proposing to believe that God-or the universe, or time, or whatever you think controls all of this-is all really just a drunk monkey.”She...

Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who’s about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she’s just nuked in the microwave. Every woman...

The guy’s life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that’s not what you want. You’ll settle for those things, but you really...

Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let’s say you’re southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of...

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

He turned to Matt and gave a huge smile, one hand on her withers. James reached out and pulled Matt to him, and they stood there in a little circle. It felt disconcertingly like… a...

Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks… then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It’s really not even fair to everyone else.

Last Sunday it was cloudy, and I thought, Who named this day? Then I thought, Why is there no Loveday? Naturally, It would follow Jarodday.

We talked about talking. (We had been interrupting Ms. Diz a lot). She said that when someone is talking, you listen with your ears.And save your questions for the end.Then you use your mouth.Even if...

You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident,” Butch said.Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. “You broke my window.””Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it.””Twice.””Thus...

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

Uh, what?

Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can’t drive a stick? There are dozens of cars–new cars–that have automatic transmission. It’d be a million times easier.” Adrian shrugged. “I like...

He met her because I didn’t show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where’s my monument to...

bow-chick-a-wow-wow” sound than anything else. Hormone overload!

You’re getting into some kind of shape, cop.”Aw, come on, now.” Butch grinned. “Don’t let that shower we took go to your head.”Rhage fired a towel at the male. “Just pointing out your beer gut’s...

There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.

When a boy’s first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life.

I had a standing agreement with god. I’d agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he let me sleep in on Sundays.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

I decide that we could always indulge ourselves later. First, I had a soul-eating stone of power to poke with a stick.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places… You know when you order french fries and there’s a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you’re alarmed...

If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.

Giving is the only way of taking part

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

I have an idea for a new book. It’s a novel about a beautiful yet sensitive author whose spirit is crushed by her domineering editor. Do you like it?

Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.Half the...

There is, perhaps, no more dangerous man in the world than the man with the sensibilities of an artist but without creative talent. With luck such men make wonderful theatrical impresarios and interior decorators, or...

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

I did a finger painting today, and you can hardly even see my brushstrokes. Similarly, when we make love, you won’t even notice that I’m there.

Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.

I need to know you believe me when I say I love you. That is all.””I believe everything you say,” Tessa said with a smile, her hands creeping doen from his waist to his weapons...

I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

You can’t lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination.

His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch’s voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with...

I’m 50% in love. To put that into a visual, I am a 3’ tall midget aspiring to be a 6’ tall man, with the coffee capacity of a narcoleptic camel.

You are the light of the world. Shine brightly. Smile beautifully! Rejoice daily!

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

In the future, man will travel on flying carpets, and shoes that float on water. And we’ll all make love together, as one, as one might masturbate today.

I am yet to meet the idiot at whose door success arrived as a direct result of his refusal to invest in the enterprise that made him rich.

I found love in the City of Love. Not Paris, but Philadelphia. It wasn’t romantic, but more of a brotherly kind of love.

I use my windshield wipers when it’s not raining. I’m an umbrellaless pedestrian, and I can’t tell the difference between Starbucks’ coffee and a mud puddle in a cup.