I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

favorite” and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way.

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.

Since I can’t turn into a bat and fly, I’ll still need my bus pass

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and very soon your spirits will rise, just like your posture. It works. My...

Do you see those dull stars?” She outlined the formation with her finger.”A pentagram,” whispered Scott.”Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope.”Scott approached the eyepiece.”They’re not stars!” “What do they...

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face...

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

You’re only young once. That is all society can stand.

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.

No. I’m really fast asleep,” came his voice from under the cowl.

I often think publishing a book is like doing a poo. Once it’s ready for the world, you have to relinquish that control and let nature take its course. A few will be impressed by...

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don’t get it: If you’re not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

I have a thing for evil bald bad guys. The Kurgan is too sexy.

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

My mind didn’t clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to...

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

(There was an idea much beloved and written about by this country’s philosophers that magic had to do with negotiating the balance between earth and air and water; which is to say that things with...

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Traveling through the Dragon’s Den, it has just been explained that Haroun, the Ifrit, has been caught in a mirror trap. Here is the passage that follows:”So,” said Silas. “Now there are only three of...

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.

Fries Before Guys

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it’s safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

Thanks so much,” Daisy said as graciously as she could to the gift of edible underwear from her fiancé’s grandmother. She was pretty sure this wasn’t covered in any of the bridal etiquette guides.

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?”Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

Then use a harpoon.

Do everything that makes you happy”? Even if it means hurting somebody else?

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he’s the hottest new ride at Disneyland.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

Nice dress. Take it off.

See?” she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. “She doesn’t stomp around like a cattle stampede!””Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

‘We’re not… we haven’t been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.’ ‘Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn’t mean you can’t tell each other how you feel,...

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

My dreams are shaped like a cat, only furrier. And my love resembles a dolphin, only fishier.

She has great breasts,” the Colonel said without looking up from the whale.”DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN’S BODIES!” Alaska shouted.Now he looked up. “Sorry. Perky breasts.””That’s not any better!