I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

This is the best night of my life,” Raffy says, crying.”Raffy, half our House has burnt down,” I say wearily. “We don’t have a kitchen.””Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?” she asks....

I told Ersken, “Lately it’s been like living on the knife’s edge, never knowing which side I’ll fall off on”Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. “Cheer up, Beka. Maybe...

Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

People say everybody has a book inside them, so why not make your life a great story?

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

City people. They may know how to street fight but they don’t know how to wade through manure.

I might be old and ugly now, but you started that way, Jack.

Sure, politicians rob from us, the people—but only because it’s in our best interest. If they didn’t rob from us, somebody else would, and this other scoundrel wouldn’t even bother to wrap the theft in...

The secret to humor is surprise.

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

I turn my head so that he doesn’t see my smile and secretly curse him for making me feel special.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Well now,” the scholar went on, “I’m just an old fuddy-duddy who could use a tan, so you needn’t grant my opinion any authority, but I consider the queendom lucky that a handful of Milliners...

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

‎No people whose word for ‘yesterday’ is the same as their word for ‘tomorrow’ can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

After years of immaturity, I finally have my act together. As far as acting, it’s very slapstick.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

gratitudenoun ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd 1. The word thrown in your face by people who covet what you want and believe that your lack of contentment is a sin. Often, these people believe success is what you...

It’s a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

I’ve always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but “Be...

But one look at Wildcard’s face, and he knew there was trouble. Problem? he signaled.Wildcard responded with an obscene gesture that more than conveyed his opinion that not only was this a problem, but it...

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are...

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

I’m quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell.

By challenging the notion of what art is, Duchamp became a great artist. Also, Duchamp was a champion of Men’s Bathroom Attendants everywhere.

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

My love is greater than a cheese grater, and was instrumental in the creation of the pizza industry. And by instrumental I mean an acoustic guitar.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

Of course, you didn’t want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!