Quand celui à qui l’on parle ne comprend pas et celui qui parle ne se comprend pas, c’est de la métaphysiqueWhen he to whom a person speaks does not understand, and he who speaks does...

I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

A politician’s autobiography is a book that’s nothing more than a collection of paper, like toilet paper, only it’s stacked instead of rolled.

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

Lord of the Muck.

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter’s forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. “Wake. Up,” Four snaps....

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.

I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. “Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you’re not a vampire, you’re clearly the most anemic goth I’ve ever seen.”… “We believed you. Because that’s what friends...

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one – black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in...

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

I had a dream about you. I was a used car salesman, and you were in the market for a new horse. I suggested we both compromise, and meet in the middle—like the year 1950.

Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

Not entirely fair?” His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. “I am Satan,...

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!

When I want to feel productive, I box up my stuff—and then unpack everything. With my work ethic, and my unethical nature, I think I’d make a perfect politician.

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – “”Plumbers?”” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.

I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

…the Puritans compressed whatever mirth and public joy they deemed allowable to human infirmity; thereby so far dispelling the customary cloud, that, for the space of a single holiday, they appeared scarcely more grave than...

Genua had once controlled the rivermouth and taxed its traffic in a way that couldn’t be called piracybecause it was done by the city government, and therefore sound economicsand perfectly all right

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

More than half.” True, but would they also know Georgia is a state, a country, and a painter?

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me’s & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Government” Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

I heard this story once,” she said, “where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin’ stuff about the universe and everythin’ from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and...

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

Who art thou? Are you art, or a guy named Art? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is, Are you for sale?

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

Alone is just another word for love.

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

If your kids are the generation Y there are only two things you parents are worried about..What your daughters are uploading on the internet and what your sons are downloading from the internet

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

The Man With A Green Apple For A Nose.” This is not a joke.

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones....

Some people seem quite destitute a sense of humour.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. … I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don’t...

I shouldn’t be surprised. Catholicism is the ultimate loophole religion (sin, confess, repeat), so it makes sense that a priest would know better than anyone how to work the angles. Still, when you go to...