My life is like a Kevin Smith movie.””Zany and unpredictable?””Mildly humorous but ultimately not worth the effort of paying for a ticket.

The men had scattered in all directions, which men are inclined to do when women leave them to their own devices for any length of time. I believe they are easily bored.

My arms and legs fell asleep. Silence of the Limbs.

To think or not to think? That is the new question.

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie.

And tell your friend in the striped shirt that he’s in my seat.

I’m too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

Heresy is another word for freedom of thought.

I hid my feelings for her for years, and I thought all was well until my neighbor went digging in her garden and found them buried in the ground. I’m so embarrassed I could just...

Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the Lord knows they have not been few or little, I think that I have been the biggest.

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he’s good-lookin’?””I do,” said Tanith.”Right,” Sanguine said and nodded. “I’m gonna kill...

I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and two, I want to be the best door-to-door salesman who sells doors, so...

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don’t understand explain things you can’t understand.

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the...

Hmmm… that’s interesting.””What?””There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

I’d love to visit a zoo stocked with stuffed animals. Where would all the real animals be? Well, the real animals would be where they always are: in Congress.

This was fun. We should find out we’re still married more often.””Why, so every day can be a special new plunge into hell?””Nobody I’d rather burn with than you, babe.

Futures can and do change, something as simple as you’re supposed to turn right down a street one day… In your bones u know it, and yet for reasons no one understands, you decide to...

Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.”Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.

How did you hear about that?”Are you kidding me? So far, I had that runt Kyle-”I hate him. I hate all vamps. That complete toad, Michael-”-tell me you were pregnant by a vamp-”kidnnaped me and-Kyle...

People don’t buy products—they buy people. It’s called slavery. I mean networking. It’s called networking.

I wrote a book on sex. It’s got a hole in it so you can literally fornicate with it. I’ve only sold one copy, but I’ve heard that the buyer shared the book with all...

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at...

Harry, don’t go picking a row with Malfoy, don’t forget, he’s a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you…””Wow, I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life?” said Harry sarcastically.

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can’t possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel...

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

I don’t know where, but I know how and why. Two out of three out of six ain’t bad.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

I’m Draco Malfoy, I’m Draco, I’m on your side!”Draco was on the upper landing, pleading with another masked Death Eater. Harry Stunned the Death Eater as they passed: Malfoy looked around, beaming, for his savior,...

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I’d never get off my ass to change the channel.

The best way to sell a car is to first try to sell them an airplane, then a horse, and then finally bring up the newest model automobile you have for sale.

Serpentfire can burn for a very long time if the bagic is strong,” said Aldric. “It’s hard to handle, that kind of fire, it seems to have a mind of its own, but it can...

You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget...

I’ve never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons,” said Luna, sounding mildly interested. “That was noisier than I thought it would be.

I brug you two [gifts]..I gots thelittle here in my pockie.’ He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. ‘Nope. Be the other side’...

The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.

Jacksonville has pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasts, and mannequin fuckers. We also have other kinds of politicians too.

When she got back from taking Cassie to school Fancy knew that she ought to be working on her wilderness romance. She had promised thirty thousand words to her editor by tomorrow, and she had...

Artemis grit her teeth. “I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood.” “Sure Sis!” then he raised his hands in a “stop...

Yeah, well, food’s one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfigurations,” said Ron, to general astonishment.

I undid the wrappings with great curiosity, for Holmes did not normally give gifts. I opened the dark velvet jewller’s box and found inside a shiny new set of picklocks, a younger version of his...

In truth, Freud sees nothing and understands nothing.

Some wise guys came by my business establishment and tried to offer me neighborhood protection. They weren’t mafia, but they were wearing togas.

There was no mistaking her sincerity–it breathed in every tone of her voice. Both Marilla and Mrs. Lynde recognized its unmistakable ring. But the former understood in dismay that Anne was actually enjoying her valley...

The three now faced the moving wall. Trapped, like the last fries in a box with a hungry kid ready to pounce. They had no way to escape.