If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face...

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily...

Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away there’s a person with more Twitter followers than you.

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.

Amy,” Elsie Moore said in her crackling voice, her gaze fixed on Declan. “I want you to get me a new bear. A blond one.

I often think publishing a book is like doing a poo. Once it’s ready for the world, you have to relinquish that control and let nature take its course. A few will be impressed by...

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It’s sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.

Shigure: “That’s lovely. She’s so… how shall I say it? By putting it into words I’m afraid the nobility of it all would only be obscured.”Yuki: “Of what?”Shigure: “You know, she’s so spunky!”Kyo: “You sick...

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this...

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

Well, speaking as a feminist, I’m glad that women can lead–uh, groups of unspeakable magical evil.””Yes,” Alan said gravely. “It’d be shoking if the evil magicians were sexist. For one thing, that would mean they...

When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren’t supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I’m exaggerating the “shockingly stupid” part, I also thought Mount...

I had a dream about your brain. I wish I could eat my dream.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not sleep. After all, sleep is like death. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Oatmeal Face, Jawless, and the other revenants dragged me out of the van by the zip tie between my hands. The sharp plastic bit painfully into my wrists.”All right, all right, I’m coming,” I said....

I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans – one perfect, the other...

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?”Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL

Death—I’m a nonmember for life.

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, ‘That...

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I had a dream about you. You wondered if there were any more honest men left in the world, and so did I, because I worked for the government, and if there were any honest...

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the strobe light. It’s hard to do modern dancing when you’re living like it’s 1882. Still, I make it look pretty easy.

You go Picasso!

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

I had a dream about you. You whispered in my ear, and I couldn’t quite hear what you said because Beethoven was being deaf too loud in the corner of the room. I thought you...

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

You don’t want to come out and celebrate with me tonight? What’s more important than the fact that I just got a job? -My grandpa just died. -Oh, shit. I’m sorry, man. -Oh, no, he’s...

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

So what are you doing around here?” I ask, feeling all jittery, but this time it’s in a good way.”Oh, I was just in the area.” he says vaguely. “I thought I’d take Welly for...

If you make a deal with a fool, don’t be surprised when they act foolishly.

Hodor!

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many.” ” I never thought about it quite that way.” Well, you’re a man. ” She gave his knee a friendly pat.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.

I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.””I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”Dimitri sighed.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

But with man the case is otherwise, in that when logic leads to any humiliating conclusion, the sole effect is to discredit logic.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?