I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

Oh, for God’s sake,” I said. “Just give me the stupid thing.” I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. “GPS,” Ranger said to Morelli. “Probably I can find...

Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored.

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

You got here in the nick of time,” Johnny said, grinning insolently at him. “I was just about to start ripping off her clothes.

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture,” I responded dryly.

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

I want a new liver to replace my heart.””Um, why?””Because then I could drink more and care less.

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

Goodreads.com could be read Good Reads, or it could be read Goo Dreads. Of course, it couldn’t be the latter, because who dreads goo?

I dated a Jewish girl whose grandmother made it,” I laughed.

Aujourd’hui, on cherche partout à répandre le savoir; qui sait si, dans quelques siècles, il n’y aura pas des universités pour rétablir l’ancienne ignorance?

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

Not that it isn’t great to see you. But it’s not so great for you. What’d you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing...

Women always want to look younger, and I always want to look older, so I could look like Pliny the Younger. As a lover, that would give me the best of both worlds.

When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine

Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you’ve – you’ve blown up a toilet or –””Blown up a toilet? We’ve never blown up a toilet.””Great...

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

She didn’t know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she’d ever tasted.

I’m looking for lost, but I don’t think I’ll ever find it, because the moment I do find it, it isn’t. Still, I’ll bet I find it before I find love.

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children,...

Mistletoe,” said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. “Good thinking,” said Luna seriously. “It’s often infested with nargles.

I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless...

…indeed, with the Radletts, you never could tell. Why, for instance, would Victoria bellow like a bull and half kill Jassy whenever Jassy said, in a certain tone of voice, pointing her finger with a...

I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she acted younger, so no matter what her age was, I was surprised by...

When Headmaster Conrady pointed out the white clapboard chapel, I wondered whether there might be at least one structure with a softer name, like Church of the Good Shepherd or Chapel of the Non-Weapon-Bearing Angels....

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

I… must… not… look… like… a… baboon’s… backside.

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

Cats don’t need to be possessed; they’re evil on their own.

I write love quotes for all ages—Teenagers, Young Adults, and even the Middle Ages—like between the years of 1200-1700. Erasmus loves my work. Well, probably he does, but as he’s dead you really can’t prove...

See?” I crowed. “I know what I’m doing. Two weeks, tops, and you’ll be begging to dip your fries in my shake.””You think?” It took me about a second before I realized I’d done it...

Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it’s a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it’s made up of people, every...

Bad news, Harry. I’ve just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I’d got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more...

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su… Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio. – C’è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? – reagisce Dio, versandosi dell’altro...

Hi! I’m Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.

My job is to scream cockle-doodle-doo. Don’t blame me if the sun doesn’t rise.

No, thanks,” said Harry. “The toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

Those who cannot dance, should not dance.

That’s it, Uncle Huey!” Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. “I quit!” If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life.

I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.