I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

Do not mess with this man’s threads!

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.

It’s a very remarkable story.””Remarkable’s a well-chosen word. It doesn’t give you away.

Yeah! Bring it on lake!” -Coach Gleeson Hedge

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.

In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks like me, but I won’t vote for him, because I always vote for...

I invited a few people to help celebrate your birthday,” Cameron said sheepishly. She threw up her hands. “Surprise.””We sort of come with the package,” Collin explained. “Think of it as a collective gift from...

I didn’t want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let the world know you’re serious.

The ocean swells around us. Sometimes, we are in a bowl of water and sometimes on the top of the lip. The horizon curves.We are sitting on top of the world.In theory, anyone is on...

I hold my cats like any other broom you’d use to sweep the floor. I’m a janitor among animal lovers.

I hate when a manager falls in love with an employee. Well, if she won’t date me, I just won’t put her on the schedule. If she won’t give me the time of day, I...

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.

EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

REFUSALWhen you refuseto tell your weightand age,people knowyou’re fat and old.

It’s like smoking compost through a raccoon.

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.

Six months ago when she first came up with the idea to kill Wilson, back when she was living in Memphis, she’d started going to church again. Since she was spending so much time thinking...

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.

I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?

When I help you, I feel good, you feel good, and the videographer I hired to document my generosity, altruism, and all around awesomeness feels good. I never knew how much love I had to...

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

One of the Georges,” said Psmith, “I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours’ sleep a day–I cannot recall for the moment how many–made a man something, which for the time being...

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

I’d kill every politician with a spoon, if I thought they had coffee for brains. But they’re simply not that intelligent, and I wish the people would wake up to that fact.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

Did you wake him?””If I say yes, will you spank me?”Syn rolled his eyes. “You’re horrible, Mari.

So that’s little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you’ve inherited your mother’s brains.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn’t learn from the past and Republicans who couldn’t stop living in it…

Sorry I painted the word ‘twat’ on your garage door.

A rocking chair in the middle of a boxing ring. You know, for the lover in the fighter. Also as something more entertaining than watching boxing.

Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of...

Jake’s POV: Meanwhile, Ally was here with Marshall Moss, who she was obviously going to hook up with later. They’d barely stopped touching each other all night. Even now, they were out in the middle...