To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

His name was Skip, but I didn’t. I waited patiently in line behind him. But do not be confused. I am not the kind of lover who lets other men go first.

Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.

… Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know… size” -Tuck

I love it–I just love it.

I often wonder what I’m doing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

Taste the rainbow bitch.

Of all the trees we could’ve hit, we had to get one that hits back.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Perhaps the difference between a professor and a bus driver is that the professor can say stupid things with complete authority while the bus driver is not authorized to make brilliant insights.

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted.

There is in every village a torch- the schoolteacher; and an extinguisher: the priest.

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.

Sandwiches,’ she said, ‘like diamonds, are forever.

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.

The old me is younger than the new me, the me now.

[C]hildren were a much more difficult audience than adults because no on had yet had a chance to teach them that it was better to be polite than honest.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy, and make the most of where you are

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can’t they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.

I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer.

I like her just the way she is, Bran.” And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all.

Don’t forget to give Neville our love!’ Ginny told James as she hugged him.’Mum! I can’t give a professor love!”But you know Neville-‘James rolled his eyes.’Outside, yeah, but at school he’s Professor Longbottom, isn’t he?...

Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind of thing. It’s an after day thing.

Calico KittyMy calico kittywas painted and primedshe could prowlthe night away ~without spending a dime…

Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college degree, too. Both require the same reading level.

I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.

Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn’t you?

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Sie ist ein Vampir.Ihre Schönheit und Anziehungskraft hätten mir verdächtig vorkommen müssen!Gut, dass ich ihr meine Telefonnummer nicht gegeben habe!

Maybe love is something we’re meant to say casually and not regard as a prize from a treasure chest that a person earns.

Fishing is water hunting, and I’m casting my net wide as we speak. I’m in the desert, fishing for fossils.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

Right, you’ve got a crooked sort of cross…” He consulted Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ — sorry about that — but there’s a thing that could be the...

A sick,sad world.

Are you insinuatin’ that my daughter is a liar?””Oh, no, not at all. I’m saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.

Sunglasses block the sun, but why bother with all that when my love could do it more effectively? My love shines so bright it makes the sun seem like the moon.

I’ve got to pee.

Anyone who thinks they’re too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.