Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

A series of howls and war cries echoed through the camp….The werewolves and Japanese had attacked.”-pg.353 Forbidden Nights with a Vampire Kerrelyn Sparks

My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a...

I knitted a sweater to look like a swimming bird, and pretty soon the whole world looked like it tasted like duck soup. My love is coffee-shaped and without chug.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.

I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you? Answer this question: If Paul Krugman and Ben Bernanke were about to die,...

I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.

Remember when only a few people had mobile phones. Generally regarded as an object of derision, you would occasionally see business types clutching those ridiculous grey bricks to their faces and mutter to yourself ‘what...

Charlene says:I hope I can be a star. I want to be able to set goals so I know where I’m going. It feels like I’ve been sort of floating around without being sure where...

Like I tell our kids, ‘Your Mom isn’t always right and I’m not always right. But together, WE’RE ALWAYS right!

M.T. Stone was the poster boy for what an assassin should look like.

If I can’t be remembered as one of the greatest authors, why not be remembered as the sexiest writer…

Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor.

Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe...

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.

I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.

Did you ever wish you had a book that would explain the full meaning of life’s random happenings to you?

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn’t the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other...

All trademarks, company names, registered names, products, characters, mottos, logos, jingles and catchphrases used or cited in this work are the property of their respective owners and have only been mentioned and or used as...

We ate soup in the pouring rain. I said I liked it, even though it was a bit too watery for my taste. Then we made love like two rainbows sizzling in a pan like...

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that’s both is dental.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, “Better you than me,” I always reply, “Yes, I am better than you.

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

He’s wearing his official university sweatshirt again, which puzzles me a little. I mean I’d sort of understand it more if it said Yale or Harvard or something, because then it would be a fashion...

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

I’d heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but...

I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Baby girl, five minutes alone with me and you’re gonna be begging me to taste your pie.

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

Persons of quality had devoted yester evening and much of the night to liquidating their holdings in the South Sea Company and gathering in clubs and coffeehouses to misinform one another.

Were you terrified, Murgatroyd?” Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. “There you go, girl: You’re a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that’s all I need. Time for some reasonable...

Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

Well. I’ve got a car.”An hour later, I vowed I’d never make fun of that Mazda again.

I’d been called a freak, and worse, all through school. Now that I’d finally graduated, I was sick of it. I’d hoped that no one would ever call me names again. Oh well, if wishes...

Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that made me feel. At the time, I thought I felt, well, I couldn’t...

Katsa kicked off her shoes, hitched up her skirt, and climbed into the fountain, sighing as the cold water ran between her toes and lapped at her ankles. it was a great improvement over her...

I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I’ll write it again.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds?

The great thing about the Internet isn’t that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply...

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

Hey there, Hallie, welcome to the next place we need a Deer Crossing sign.’ I didn’t know that deers could read.’They can in Cosgrove County. It’s part of the No Deer Left Behind program.

I soak my white socks in coffee, so I can wear them with brown pants and keep my feet from falling asleep.

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.