I enjoy the sounds of morning. My favorite is the shush of orgasm. If you tell me you love me, I might tell you the time.

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here’s another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in...

I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it’s gotten big on me. I don’t know what it is. I’m so damned unhappy, I’m so mad, and I don’t know why. I feel like...

I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason why my investment decisions always look so great—for the people on the other...

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

And I may not omit here a special work of God’s providence. There was a proud and very profane young man [aboard the Mayflower], one of the seamen, of a lusty, able body, which made...

It’s sad to see a restaurant go out of business because the owner died, after being cannibalized by hungry customers.

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...

I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Baumauer sits at home in silence in the evenings planning how to impress his rigidly strict father who’s in his late seventies, but who still enforces the same dynamic between himself and his three, guilt-ridden...

There is no known cure for severe affection for one’s cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead and launch a kiss attack.

I was beside myself with grief. I was also beside myself with cloning.

Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open.

To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

Yes, yes, mistress, I shall go and accomplish your task. Only—I was not only sent to kill the Leucrotta. There is a maiden in a tower—” At this the Witch spat, again rolling her marvelous...

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

Luce blushed. “Then what kind of angel are you?””I’m sort of in between gigs right now,” Daniel said.

I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it through action, like a kiss. Or I could say it indirectly, like telling your best friend, April. Yes, I...

Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the...

He held up his index finger. “Rule one: in any dispute between mates, themale is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two”—his middle finger joined thefirst—”whenever in doubt, refer to rule...

A book can tell me anything it wants to, but I sure as shit don’t have to believe it.

Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

There’s a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.

I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, “I can see relationships!!!

I had a dream about you while having a dream about you. We were watching the movie Inception and drinking déjà vu.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.

Methamphetamine is so Flowers for Algernon: All that super-human cerebral ability fades to limited physical activities like stapling carpet scraps to the wall or masturbation antics worthy of The Guinness Book of World Records.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

My heart aches for you! But don’t despair! I am persuaded you will come about! Recollect what the poet says! I’m not sure which poet, but very likely it was Shakespeare, because it generally is,...

it was like staring at a whitewashed wall, but without all the emotion

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...

Naturally I don’t,” Sophie answered.

Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.

There’s nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don’t do it after you already did it.

If somebody says ‘I love you’ to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? ‘I...

I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that’s...