I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

I don’t like it,” I can save up to 25% on my energy output.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can’t get enough of them.

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Every town you go to, they tell you what’s special about their town. What they’re number one at… This guy comes up and says, ‘D’you know that we’re the home of the world’s largest frying...

To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

I love that name. A country named Chad. Sounds like somebody who lived next door to the Brady Bunch. But if Chad actually lived next door to the Bradys, Greg would be roasting over a...

When I was a wee little kid,” remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, “there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

But when I make a good [taxidermy] mount I feel like I beat God in a small way. As though the Almighty said, Let such critter be dead, and I said, ‘Fuck You, he can...

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they’re out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart. Her secret lover left her for a younger woman.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

Si los seres humanos no dejan de hacer ejercicio con los labios, su cerebro empieza a funcionar.

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

Not advisable is spread thickly over this entire situation.

If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.

Aside from that.

You know, I preferred you as an evil monk. Would have made killing you a whole lot easier.

I was watching a collection of vintage ’80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign...

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and...

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.”Owww!” he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn’t mean it.”If you think I can understand that,”...

When facing unbeatable odds, just think of yourself as unbeatably odd. (The Hero’s Guide to Being a Hero)

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

The magic in that country was so thick and tenacious that it settled over the land like chalk-dust and over floors and shelves like sticky plaster-dust. (House-cleaners in that country earned unusually good wages.) If...

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

You piss me off you Salmon… You’re too expensive in restaurants.

I apologized for punching him. I thought he was attacking me with a karate chop disguised as a handshake.

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they’re happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly...

I’ve received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, “You should lay off the f-bombs.” The other is, “You should add more f-bombs.

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved you and you returned it. However, at white,...

If you’re like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled...

My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love.

Old, old, drink. Tiiiiny little drink. Very small. Almost not there.” She began to hiccup.

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling...

You’ll want all your strength for the wedding night.” I cannot think why I should need strength,” she said, ignoring a host of spine-tingling images rising in her mind’s eye. “All I have to do...

Run first,’ Shane said. ‘Mourn later.’It was the perfect motto for Morganville.

[…] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when he apprehended some danger of having it...

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more...