If I was made of cake I’d eat myself before somebody else could.

What’s this about?””Finally. Interest,” was the only response.”If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly...

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I’m not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it’s aged Jell-O. And it doesn’t need...

Genius feels like an over extended Helium balloon about to burst, and everyone criticizes you for not having a conventional way of coping with it.

Cops, I’ve learned, are like vampires; they can’t come in unless you invite them.

I opened my wallet and gave him a coupon, hoping he’d open his wallet and give me money.

It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).

My actions endangered countless lives, because zero is countless.

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later”.

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands...

Let us roam then, you and I,When the evening is splayed out across the sky[…]Paths that follow like a nagging accusationOf a minor violationTo lead you to the ultimate reproof …Oh, do not say, ‘Bad...

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

Turn a pot into a hat in one easy step: put it on your head. I make love with the same sort of culinary innovation.

Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.

You look tired,” Rachel told Jason.”I wish I could jog and sleep at the same time.””Can’t you?” Ferrin asked, joining them at the little cascade. “I always imagined that you could sleep rolling down a...

What is love when it’s not for dopamine?

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?

You can’t make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape.

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

When I see Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity baying across the television screen, I find it hard to take them seriously. I assume that they must be saying what they do primarily to boost book...

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts.

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all...

I cried because I had no wallet, until I met a man who had no money. I don’t know why he had no money, because that man stole my wallet.

Number eight of the ten Amazon commandments: never fight an opponent face-to-face if you couldn’t defeat him. Wait and stab him in the back later.

Boy, the DMV has got to be the strangest dating agency. But I suppose love is worth the wait. If I don’t meet a woman here, there’s this new club called The Morgue I want...

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.

I’m fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don’t really care.

It doesn’t matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don’t appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-“”You invented the internet?”It was my idea, Martha said.Rats are delicious, George said.”It was my idea!”...

It’s about time! It’s supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

His twin brother died, and rather than assume he felt sad, I imagined he felt like an individual. Finally, he was one of one, not one of two.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

Tyson- “Cash? Like…green paper?”Percy- “Yeah.”Tyson- “Like the kind in duffel bags?”Percy-“Yeah, but we lost those bags days a-g-g–.” “Tyson! How did you–“Tyson- “Thought it was a feed bag for Rainbow. Found it floating in sea,...

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with...

I’ll write The Art Of Love, which will be tactical, like The Art Of War.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

I do not,” I felt oddly appalled by her statement. “I’m an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasnah] was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.

But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

The distance had been evaporated by humor