We made love like two bricks in an earthquake. I never imagined myself to be a man of such fiery passion.

So where’d you park the car, Max?”I don’t know. I couldn’t see over the wheel.”That’s okay. I think I can smell it.

If Patti Lupone was born to play Evita then Madonna was born to play Patti Lupone playing Evita.

Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath...

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

Get out of here. Yoda so does not have an English accent!”Other than that you’re saying I’m a dead ringer?”If the shoe fits.”Sheesh, I hate tall girls.

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

I wear a tinfoil suit, because you never know when you’ll be going to the moon. I’ll probably have more luck finding the love of my life on a lonely and dead space rock.

One of the first things we teach medical students is to listen to the patient by taking a careful medical history. Ninety percent of the time, you can arrive at an uncannily accurate diagnosis by...

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

I know supposedly God has anger, vengeance, and wrath, and if he doesn’t have a sense of humor I’m in big trouble!

Men and the pursuit of them are strongly intertwined with my mental health. I would say, in my defensive defense, that the problem with being a serial monogamist is, there isn’t anybody random or unimportant:...

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

I don’t see how it’s doing society any good to have it’s members walking around with vague memories of algebraic formulas and geometric diagrams, and clear memories of hating them.

New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I’m not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it’s aged Jell-O. And it doesn’t need...

What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the...

Once I knew what I was doingI was there and with it;I had the total knowing.I Googled God and orgasmedAt the amount of Gods andMonsters out there posted about.

His smile was so wide he’d have had to break it into sections to fit it through a doorway

An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I hate when people say ‘I see’. It doesn’t mean anything and I think it’s hostile. Whenever anyone tells me ‘I see’ I think they’re really saying ‘Fuck you’.

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

In the State of Denmark there was the odor of decay…

I’m an accountant of sorts. But I don’t count my money—I count your love for me. That’s all that really matters in this world.

He imagines Owens’ body dotted with saltwater reservoirs just below the skin. An entire wetland, populated with tiny fish and birds, thriving in his agitation. A species of dwarf crocodile lazing beside an artery.

Turn a pot into a hat in one easy step: put it on your head. I make love with the same sort of culinary innovation.

I’ve always been a pretty open person, much like a 9-5 store at 6.

So a while back I spent a night in jail. Now, as for exactly what landed me there, I’d be so delighted to never have to go into any of the details regarding that. Besides,...

You look tired,” Rachel told Jason.”I wish I could jog and sleep at the same time.””Can’t you?” Ferrin asked, joining them at the little cascade. “I always imagined that you could sleep rolling down a...

It happens to us all. We drink too much, take one too many hits of acid, proposition the wrong prostitute and end up by the side of some freeway, disheveled and disoriented.

I trained for months to be a boxer. Not Mike Tyson style, but more like Fed Ex. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Well, I’m not really a lover, but I am slightly more romantic...

Never dance in a puddle when there’s a hole in your shoe (it’s always best to take your shoes off first).

I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

The fact Locke didn’t die instantly may be taken as proof that a human male can survive having every last warm drop of blood within his body rush instantly to the vicinity of his cheeks.

When I see Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity baying across the television screen, I find it hard to take them seriously. I assume that they must be saying what they do primarily to boost book...

She placed her make-up bag in front of her, opened it, then ignored the contents. She used it for show and always as a warning to the body that she may one day use it!

Life is a beautiful thing. Plant it in the ground, and it blooms into opportunity, capice?

The bristling eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. Mesmerized, the boy watched them disappear under the hanging thatch of white hair. There, almost coyly, they remained just out of sight for a moment, before suddenly...

Boy, the DMV has got to be the strangest dating agency. But I suppose love is worth the wait. If I don’t meet a woman here, there’s this new club called The Morgue I want...

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn’t get to live it very often.

I’m fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don’t really care.

I don’t want to hurt anyone” Laszlo fiddled with a button on his tux jacket. “Can’t we convince the CIA that some of us are peaceful?” “we’ll have to try” Angus folded his arms across...

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before,...

I’m man enough to know when to scream.

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...