The first permanent structure in Jacksonville was a school/saloon. It was built by the Irish.

no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

Working hard is a fool’s anthem, getting others to work for you is the motto for every successful man.

I love animals, especially with barbeque sauce.

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

Yeah, the whole family knows. It’s no big deal. One night at dinner I said, ‘Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.’ It was easier for her to...

I used to wrestle, and I had a perfect record. I never failed to fail.

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

Stop flirting,” he tells her, but he looks at her breasts and thinks, The girls with the bruises in the sex films are just dead dolls, but this pretty toy is alive.

You should go into every relationship as a brick and not a blanket.

I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

I’ve never cheated on a lover. I’m faithful, always. But the war comes before anyone’s feelings. Every time.”Wow. Battle before love. Without a doubt, he was the most unromantic male she’d ever met. Even more...

A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.

Maxwell D. Kalist is a receiving teller at a city bank, Orwell and Finch, where he runs an efficient department of twenty two clerks and twelve junior clerks. He carries a leather-bound vade mecum everywhere...

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie!

AN ACADEMIC DEFINITION of Lynchian might be that the term “refers to a particular kind of irony where the very macabre and the very mundane combine in such a way as to reveal the former’s...

That wasn’t Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old,” Kate said.I told you, they age slower out here. It’s all the fresh California air,” Val replied.Yes, because that’s exactly what Los Angeles is known...

I had a dream about you. You had a gun to my head, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense you were holding a needle to my temple, because I was Mr. Bubblegumhead. I just wanted...

Anyway, it was big and I set up the trickiest structure. Accounts all over the world and money flying around like… The right mix of drugs and Remy Martin. Like a big whirl of light...

How’s your grandpa?””Still worried that your blackness will infect me.””That’s the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will...

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

Buggeroff, enchanté!

Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept...

When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large.

There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.

Somehow I’d still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile.

A man’s subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and...

You know, bullying,” her mother began. “I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied.” “Oh, God!” Arista groaned. “It’s My Space or Facebook. Not Myface.

…’Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can’t stop lustin’ after the goddamn ineffable.'”She said that, hunh?””Yup.””Shitfire, Sheriff, what’d you do?””Well, I shot her.

He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was…what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes.

I see you brought along your violent little girlfriend. What a nice surprise!” – Saint Dane (The Reality Bug)

His bedroom was a reflection of Bryant’s mind, its untidy shelves filled with games and puzzles stacked in ancient boxes, statues and mementoes competing for space with books on every subject imaginable, from Sensation and...

I dodged behind Mac for cover and refused to take the bait. I glanced at my nonexistent watch. ‘Oops, look at the time. Guess I have to be going now. Let’s not do this again...

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers.

If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.

It’s only life. We all get through it.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

PHI is one H of a lot cooler than PI!

Writer’s block’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t feel like doing any work today.

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you’re fussing that he’s tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

That woman could spread gossip faster than the flu in a whorehouse.

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick?