It was beautiful in a harsh I’m-going-to-gut-you-like-a-fish kind of way.

I have an abnormally shaped brain. According to neuroimaging, my brain looks like a curled up sleeping kitten. That’s how I make love like meow.

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.

Yes”, she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, in fact let’s try sex again.” She leaped to her feet and torn open her jeans. “Maybe my magic vagina will cure...

I wish I were like Facebook; being able to ‘like’ and ‘share’ everything I get.

People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily be mistaken for animals—namely politicians.)

All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’–which is just another way of saying that you can’t.

I make cuddles the way I make clam chowder—without complaining and without jelly. If you assume the position, I’ll put the biscuits in the oven.

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

French Louis Seymour of the West Canada Creek, who knew how to survive all alone in a treacherous wilderness, and Mr. Alfred G. Vanderbilt of New York City and Raquette Lake, who was richer than...

New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president,...

That water supply is lost revenue for my city’s utility company. The rain that falls on my neighbor’s land is city water, and whether they collect it in barrels or wastefully let it seep into...

William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.

Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.

I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.

Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

I make love like a flower sings. That’s hyperbole, because flowers don’t sing—they only play the guitar.

Corvid looked up at her. “Oh, hello Doris.””Gertie, dear,” she said. “They call me Gertie.””You used to be Doris,” Corvid said as a matter of fact.”Who?” She seemed unsure of what she was being told.”Doris,...

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

We both tried to speak at the same time, and ended up remaining silent the whole night. That’s when I realized we were in love.

Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn’t she look exactly like Cher?’Wow, that’s insane. She...

You let me handle Marius,” I said. “Now, you didn’t come without you dagger.””No, I did not,” he said, lifting his cloak to reveal it, “And with your permission I would like to plunge it...

In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some money and automate the front desk position, because they didn’t have to pay...

Mostly, you just look constipated. Ford, you’d better do the glaring.

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you’ve had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then...

He’s stubborn,” Tux warned in a singsong tone.”Stay out of this,” Mark spat.”And touchy,” Tux added.

I thought the movie was too short to pay for, and too long to be free. But I’d watch it again, if I were wearing a blindfold and stuffed in the trunk of a car....

Oh, we’re playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

Sleep. It’s like sex. You know it’s good, but you don’t know just how good until you’re not getting any.

[G]randma was always afraid of something. She set aside time each day for dread. And not nameless dread. She was quite specific about the various tragedies stalking her. She feared pneumonia, muggers, riptides, meteors, drunk...

He’s such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.””He’s always taking something – generally food.

Clearly, I am not afraid of the dark.

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

…Her body twitched from his magic. “What is this feeling?” She panted as she asked the question. Her body felt pleasantly soft. His motions slowed and became languid.”It’s called an orgasm,” he replied in that...

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.

The most temptation I’d experienced had been with Tomas, the Senate’s spy who had been feeding off me without permission, and Mircea, who was probably plotting some nefarious scheme. I have no taste in men.

You gotta want it.

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. — Dogbert’s Motto

An Alabama-faced man with a Georgia body once told me I had the smile of an Emily. That made me grin, which is definitely not how an Emily would react, so I knew it couldn’t...

Like so many substantial citizens of America, he had married young and kept on marrying, springing from blonde to blonde like the chamois of the Alps leaping from crag to crag.

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.