Wherever the family was, these two dogs, both six-year-old shepherd mixes, took up their posts at the central coming-and-going point. Gil called them concierge dogs. And it’s true, they were inquisitive and accommodating. But they...

Alert me if you’re attacked by a rabbit.

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.

Everyone, no matter what kind of job he or she has, fantasizes about freaking out at work. How many corporate drones, stuck in a boring staff meeting, have had the sudden urge to jump on...

I love meatloaf.” Of all the things I could have said, that summed up what I hoped our relationship would one day become.

You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.

Thinking back on the outing to the theatre, she added, ‘I want a man, not a preening peacock!

I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. “Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you’re not a vampire, you’re clearly the most anemic goth I’ve ever seen.”… “We believed you. Because that’s what friends...

Find something useful to do with your morning,’ she thought to him as she neared her chambers. ‘Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one’s looking...

If you see me sitting at a dining room table with a clean plate and bowl in front of me, you’ll know it’s because I’m a starving artist. I’m also thirsty, as my cup is...

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

You must admit I have a right to live in a pigsty if I want.

Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in.silently...

When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.

It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!

Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.

I need your help. You can help me by not helping me.

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – “”Plumbers?”” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.

Edwin’s creations landed hit or miss on the board and one miss a year ago ended with us heaving overboard for a week. Fortifying meal solutions, my ass.

Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

Even sentenced to twenty-five years in prison Ted didn’t get what he deserved. Maybe his prison mates would give it to him.

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! – The Credit Repair...

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

I’m an elephant today. I will need to have lots of room and also a bowl of water on the floor.

Don’t eat in the dark. My brand of cat food comes with a light bulb in the can.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

The same way minks get minks!

I was once reproved by a minister who was driving a poor beast to some meeting-house horse-sheds among the hills of New Hampshire, because I was bending my steps to a mountain-top on the Sabbath,...

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. “Right. It’s just that… He died. And I’m so freaking pissed off, I swear I’d punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

Good folk, I have no coin,To take were to purloin:I have no copper in my purse,I have no silver either,And all my gold is on the furzeThat shakes in windy weatherAbove the rusy heather.

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

I mean, if you had been so kind as to paint me with black and white stripes, I would’ve been a zebra!

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones....

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

I must have gone to the wrong island,” I said with a private laugh.

You could start a fire with the heat between you two.””You’re mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.

Running has always been hard for me, as I have abnormally short legs and tiny feet. I am Bigfoot’s nemesis. And I’ll be the first to tell you I’ll be the last to tell you...

Heaven knows where I’ll end up – it’s a safe bet I’ll never be at the top of anything! Nor do I particularly care to be.

When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips”- Bentley Evans

Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with 22 letters than English can with 26.

I’ve been very lucky in my life in terms of people who are able to tolerate me.