It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn’t going to run away. Or scream, at the very least....

And benefits? Just getting to breathe the same air as the distinguished guests that’ll scoff and sneer at me is more reward than I could imagine this side of heaven.

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information.””Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?

I, the great and powerful D.S. will create a harem for all the women in the world!!!! For a woman, no greater joy exists in the entire universe than to fuck me, the ultimate sex...

Every great oak was once a stubborn little nut who held his ground.

We’re going to investigate,” Fireheart meowed. “We can’t decide how to get rid of these dogs until we know exactly what we have to face. We’re not going to attack them, not yet-have you got...

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

Disappointments are often my greatest motivation.

I FINALLYhad a hot night,but it was only the weather.

Eragon looked back at him, confused. “I don’t understand.””Of course you don’t,” said Brom impatiently. “That’s why I’m teaching you and not the other way around.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you...

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf, I am the smaller one on its upper side,’said the dewdrop to the lake.

He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

Jako kdyby tě zajímalo její srdce! Jsi snad kardiolog? To určitě. Ta holka má IQ dortový polevy.

Jokes about butts WORKED.

Lord Peter Wimsey: Facts, Bunter, must have facts. When I was a small boy, I always hated facts. Thought they were nasty, hard things, all nobs. Mervyn Bunter: Yes, my lord. My old mother always...

I figured something out,” he said aloud. “The future is unpredictable.”Hassan said, “Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a really profound voice.

It had been an embarrassing moment, like the one you get when you realize for the first time that you have what it takes to become an accountant.

You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls, when they’re itchy!) I recently got him declawed, which sucked for him, but...

She fucking turns me inside out.””Women who matter have a way of doing that.” Lucas scowled. “We sound like a couple of women, talking about feelings. I think Sascha’s having a bad influence on me.””You...

I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.

I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I’m under the table,after four I’m under my host.

Fresh, sweet honeysuckle. Ripe and rich and ready to be fucked–PLUCKED, he corrected himself, ready to be plucked.

Two or three years from now thirty won’t look so senile.

We’re like America’s little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.

Try me, amd you will start LOVING!

America is a circus, and the politicians are the clowns.

Hush Hattie!” I said, intoxicated with my success. “I don’t want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan’t marry the prince.” I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and...

Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds,” I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and...

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

It’s only through sheer force and luck that she’s yet to take over the world.

I believe the shortest path between two points involves an elaborate maze as the only option of travel, entry and exit fees, and forms and applications that must be approved before the journey can even...

The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”

When I grow up, I’d like to be dangerous.

The Lone Ranger of vampires. Did that make me Tonto?

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

Despite her unrepentant aversion to Italian food, which her husband put down to her nation’s historic distrust of Italy, she suddenly declared: “All I want in life is to be able to get a take-away...

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to...

Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.

It’s an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

Liz pasted on a smile, trying to appear normal in light of the fact that he had possibly incriminating knowledge on her from the background check. She hoped her application for a marriage license with...

All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.

Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust...

There was hardly an eminent writer in Paris who was unacquainted with the inside of the Conciergerie or the Bastille.

You’re still here. No beer. I’m not corrupting a minor.””But you’re a minor,” she pointed out. “At least for beer.””Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I’m an adult if I...

I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to...