All three combined is…a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.

Like the dancing.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you’d have? One hour? Two hours?...

I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

Caitlyn (telling a story of her friend): So. [She] grew up and left Neverland for the distant planet called College…And made a bunch of new friends. So. There was the one guy who was there...

Lots of people in history have only done their jobs and look at the trouble they caused

I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.

I’m a sound sleeper. Every time I hear a sound I wake up. Sometimes I envy Helen Keller.

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

If you’re going to be a narcissistic schmuck, kid, don’t bother studying Faulkner. Go straight to Brett Easton Ellis. He’s the role model you need.

…there is a celebrated aphorism insisting that the best way to live is to ‘work like you don’t need the money, dance like nobody is watching, and love like you’ve never been hurt.’…After years of...

If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich…not Dick. Hell I’d even settle for being called Chard.

The past is an educational toy for the present. It should be discarded the moment its usefulness is outgrown.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

I was looped in on your little romantic quest. The only way to get me out without it looking suspicious was to suggest that I come after you dumb asses, since I supposedly know your...

The culture without children is forever immature, self-obsessed and rightous. They cannot help the high opinion they have of themselves; there’s no kids around to show them otherwise.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed...

Watch it, loincloth, I’m not afraid to spork your eyes out.

Did you meet your soul mate? That always happens on the first day of school, right?”Oh God, Charlie, she’s letting you read again! You went straight to the paranormal section, didn’t you?

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

Intelligent men are dangerous.

Hay lugares en que varios tiempos están ocurriendo a la vez y lugares en que apenas queda tiempo, y tiempos en que apenas hay lugar.

All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good.

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and...

Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.

You’re just lying in the dirt and singing. That’s weird. I thought you were supposed to be some kind of scary monster.

So many trees, so few chimneys.

I take this continent with me into the grave.

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the...

Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.

I had a dream about you. I smiled and you waved, and it’s unfortunate that neither one of these gestures was directed at each other. The person I was smiling at was the same person...

I like make-up sex. My imagination is so much more powerful than reality that it’s just better when I make it up.

They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.””Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.””We need...

When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.

Dear, he do have a problem.

People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.

(…) But Gaia had absorbed the new information. “I won’t need to kill billions, Diana. When Nemesis is gone, there will be no other like me. Just me alone. I will grow and spread, one...

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

Soap?””School of America in Paris” he explains. “SOAP”.Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.

It starts innocently. Casually. You turn up at the annual spring fair full of beans, help with the raffle tickets (because the pretty red-haired music teacher asks you to) and win a bottle of whiskey...