You saw my leg?””How can a man help what he sees?” he said. “And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover, but it’s impossible for me to be a better lover than I already...

I rolled my eyes, finishing off the burger. Rummaging around in the bag, I pulled out an extra-large order of fries. With all the exercise I was getting, my escape would involve me rolling out...

My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

Now it is easy to perceive that the moral part of love is a factitious sentiment, engendered by society, and cried up by the women with great care and address in order to establish their...

He bantered us, challenged us, electrified us . . . At times his eloquence held us silent as images and some witty turn, some humorous phrase brought roars of applause. At times we cheered almost...

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I’d recommend having two.

Dracula is a morning person compared to me.

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

I love these pet names,” she said, gazing soulfully up into his eyes, “Nitwit. Sap skull. Termagant. How they make my heart flutter!

He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with...

And then there’s the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office or while waiting outside my first-graders’ classrooms at the end of the school...

I’ve never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple...

When The Journal of Words compiled its list of the one hundred best novels written in English, do you know that Pride and Prejudice was number twelve?” She stopped pacing and glared at Jane. “And...

What’s blacker than black? Does summer shade have a shadow? Is that how loneliness looks and where it lurks?

I don’t embark on journeys like the bark of a dog, but more like the bark of a tree. The path to love winds through a densely wooded forest.

Hope you didn’t bring any spiders into the van with you,’ Simon put in. ‘Hey, I’m thinking we could take you back outside and hose you down, just to make sure. You’d definitely smell better...

I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night,” said Ron. “What d’ya think that’s gonna mean?””Probably that you’re going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something,” said Harry.

Ish #109 “If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You’ll get there quicker.

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees.

‘Didn’t realize Matty was so scary,’ Chris said. ‘She’s maybe five two and can’t make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison...

As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you...

Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray.

Mia,’ she whispered. I turned around. ‘What?’ I whispered back.She smiled at me a little. ‘LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!’ she shouted, then spun around and ran toward the Z’s in the lighting section.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

Do you think he’s the murderer?””It’s worse than that — he’s an actor!

If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won’t answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

My dreams have wings. But not soaring eagle wings, more like the wings of a butterfly—colorful and easily ripped off. The last time my dreams got ripped off was when I shopped at Walmart, the...

Pain, Rhuan decided, did not simply hurt. Pain also exhausted a person, sapped his soul, thinned his spirit. Worse, pain was tedious.

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

Have lube, will travel.

It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their...

Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing...

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week...

You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away...

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the...

If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that’s right…you aren’t the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean

I’m dying!” Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. “I’m dying, look at me! It’s killed me!

I love you more, dumb ass.