In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.

Now, Woolf calls her fictional bastion of male privilege Oxbridge, so I’ll call mine Yarvard. Even though she cannot attend Yarvard because she is a woman, Judith cheerfully applies for admission at, let’s call it,...

Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global “connectitude.” (You people don’t just think outside the box, you think outside the dictionary!)

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

No, I don’t think so. I was talking to my sister.”Peter’s eyes widen, and I can see him trying to keep a straight face.

The desert doesn’t care who you are, and neither does anyone or anything who lives in it.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

If the ink of my writing morphed into ants, would they march along with my thoughts? Would they find my work as enjoyable as a picnic? If the answer is no, I wouldn’t hesitate to...

Chlamydia, today´s most common cause of venereal disease, does the equivalent of hiding in the police station.Schistosomes of the mansoni type go a step further and essentially steal police uniforms. These parasites, a serious cause...

If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

In most of my campaigns, I find it is best not to mention my opponent by name because, by doing so, it just gives him a chance to get into the headlines.

If you’re right & I’m not, I’m going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

I would be out of town, but every time I move, my home keeps relocating to where I’m at. My coffee is caffeinated, and my friends are either decaffeinated or nonexistent.

I had a dream about you last week. It was October 31, 2002 and we met at a Halloween party. You came dressed as yourself; I knew you’ve been hiding your true self all this...

Since youre here, Courtauld said wearily, youd better explain why these lollipops or whatever they’re called have to be on silk. If I’d had a lollipop I knew precisely where Id stick it.

Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.

See men run. Semen swim.

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.

I am the coffee Randolph in your zebra escapade. Drink of me as you would any other time you swallow caffeinated saliva.

Once I was running and there was someone on the treadmill next to me who stopped running to answer a question I asked and flew of the back of the treadmill. Being fully engaged has...

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

I can still feel my legs, thanks for asking. My back’s not even hurt that badly. Only as though I was just hit by a train.

When an American family becomes separated from its toothbrushes and combs and pajamas for a few hours it considers that it has had quite an adventure.

You’ve already got everything you need to succeed right in-front of your tits

I couldn’t throw a basketball through a hula-hoop, but I could drink coffee through a fishing net. But why do that when I’d rather fish with a thermos?

Um,” Doc said in a mild voice, “medically speaking, I’m not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.””But I feel better,” Jared answered, sullen.Doc smiled the tiniest smile. “Well, maybe a few...

There’s so much destruction all over the world – and all you can do is complain about ME!

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.

And now you’re off to Port Caynn. Watch them sailor lads. They’ll have your skirts up and a babe in your belly afore you know what you’re about.””Everyone keep warning me about sailors,” I complained....

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there’s no one I can turn to with this love.

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Question: What do you get the man who has everything? Answer: a concious. That guy is so greedy.

[Jack] checked his watch, then returned to studying her back. damn if she didn’t have a nice back, too – smooth, unblemished skin, nicely shaped vertebrae-He pulled himself up short. Nicely shaped vertebrae? Was he...

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

Ish #19 “If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

Enough of this. Does every conversation with you have to be the director’s cut? Get out of the car.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.

Too bad the buttons on my shirt don’t operate the elevator at work. If they did, maybe I wouldn’t have taken off my pants and taken the stairs.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?