My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Sissy Mae Smith…stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. “You pack like a woman,” she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. “How can one man have so much...

Time isn’t an orderly stream. Time isn’t a placid lake recording each of our ripples. Time is viscous. Time is a massive flow. It is a self-healing substance, which is to say, almost everything will...

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.

I only love her. I lonely love her.

There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles And somewhere near the middle was the Citrus Tower, which the tourists climbed to see even more orange...

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Twango’s hospitality, though largely symbolic, does him credit.

What do you think of Christmas?””I like it,” she said. “I think we should have it every year.

F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my...

I tried to rinse off in the Shower of Love, but you had used all the hot water. So I just stood there, crying, and peeing on my feet.

Duct tape can’t fix stupid,” Bas growled. “Maybe not,” Red replied, “but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

And every writer cherishes the dream of setting the young on fire, even if only by a cigarette butt tossed casually over the shoulder, and when we meet young people who say that they were...

You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it.

Take life seriously but none of the people in it.

Being a detective isn’t all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant…The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

I’d rather be the fastest runner than the best fighter. But then I am a supreme coward.

I’ve always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

Leigh did what any sane female faced with such an e-mail would do: deleted it to resist the temptation of replying, cleared her trash to resist the temptation of recalling it, and then called tech...

Corrival looked around. ‘So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.”Me?’ Ravel asked. ‘Why do I have to start...

I got ran over by a marathon runner. It was a hit and run.

Tempting,” Percy called down.

I completely forgot; Santa said something more.He said that a book gives your very thoughts wings,That carry you off to see wonderful things,That lift you aloft, throughout time, throughout spaceTo every era and every place!

Blue skies, 77 degrees, and palm trees—I’m living the dream. Still, I could go for a nap, or a cup of coffee as large as my bathtub.

Marko Vešović sjedi u Staroj Grčkoj na bijelom kamenu…nad njim nebo..

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune selling to politicians.

…You have any suggestions, make them. I’m in charge but humble. No need to salute when you see me.” Fraser said, “Mind if we snicker every once in a while behind your back?” “Hell, no,”...

Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.

Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt...

My deceit is shaped like a STOP sign. It’s also bright red. If you don’t observe it, it can be quite dangerous.

We were just looking at maps…

Never ask an elf for help; they might decide your better off dead, eh?” (Orik) (Eldest) (Page 207)

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he’s in his office.

I’m very much afraid I didn’t mean anything but nonsense.

To Do Today, 1/17/081. Sit and think2. Reach enlightenment3. Feed the cats

The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.

When it came time for me to give my talk on the subject, I started off by drawing an outline of the cat and began to name the various muscles.The other students in the class...

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

There aren’t two political parties in this country, it’s all just one big party—and the citizens aren’t invited.

THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with...

Si al final mis problemas no eran solubles, cuando menos serían adulterables.