Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

Don’t mind her. She keeps her nose so high in the air, she’s liable to drown in a good rainstorm.

You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It’s death porn for the masses.

I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be purred.

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, “Beautiful weather we’re having,” I always reply, “Irrigation and crop rotation.

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped...

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was...

I’m 60-years-old. -Ma’am, I don’t believe it. -You’re too kind. -It’s true. You look at least 75.

Donkeys and elephants represent us politically. Why? Because snakes and roaches would be too obvious.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue!

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has...

Grandma frowned and yelled something in Russian. She could have been saying, ‘Open up, your best friend is here.’ On the other hand, it could have been, ‘America is a great country because of canned...

His hair isn’t turning gray—it’s turning silver, and it’s going up in value. Aging is the best hedge against an inflationary fiat currency.

I’m not a carrot cake kind of guy. But so what? Don’t push your political agenda on me, pal.

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare,...

Doubtful, but it did work…”Annabeth?” Percy said again. “You’re planning something. You’ve got that I’m-planning-something look.””I don’t have an I’m-planning-something look.””Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and —“”Do you...

Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?””Only once” said Hermione stung. “I got you loads more then you got me—””I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—””Well if you’re...

It was not very long afterwards that Michael woke up one morning with a curious feeling inside him. He knew, the moment he opened his eyes, that something was wrong but he was not quite...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

I once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.

I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane.Even if the dogs are...

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!

I would have stolen it for you, had I known you were interested.” His voice was muffled by the door to the lumber room down the hallway, and I heard thumps and a crash.I raised...

If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.

I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

…it was another year or two before I discovered that drat and draft were different words. During that same period I remember believing that details were dentals and that a bitch was an extremely tall...

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?

SciFi: When there’s a serious problem and everyone decides to solve it sensibly.

I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.

It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

i find nothing more depressing than optimism.

Despite all that education and experience can do, I retain a certain level of unsophistication that I cannot eradicate and that my friends find amusing. In fact, I think I sometimes detect conspiratorial plottings among...

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me.

It took a qualified wizard to detect a summoning in progress. It required only a half-literate idiot with a twitch of power and a dim idea of how to use it to attempt one. Before...

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be as pragmatic or as brutal.

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels.””Oh, they do that!” Amy laughs. “Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though,...

Kill the body and the head will die.

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

And if you say that’s because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I’m disowning all three of you.

C’est bien difficile de travailler quand on n’en a pas l’habitude.