You’ve been one busy worm!

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love’s name?ORLANDO: Yes, just.JAQUES: I do not like her name.ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened.

I listen to helloes at 65 MPH. Anything faster is just asking for a goodbye. I’m too love and in young to do anything but drink coffee out of a helmet, while wearing a helmet....

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

Anything worth doing’ is a problematic premise.

With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these...

I’m trained in sarcasm. It’s like karate, only the sting lasts longer.

I hate pulling out… I mean, I’m really bad at the whole parking thing….

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers.

Actually I was hoping for an on-all-fours sort of thing.

Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

Only show compassion and empathy to those you can trust.” If we did that, we would be burying homeless people every day.

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone’s life, you’re then responsible for it.”Allison thought about telling him she’d seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered...

There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch of the ignorance of the community. By carefully chronicling the current...

If she can’t spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

If America runs on Dunkin’, do I detect a slight limp?

It’s in a can. It’s good forever.

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

Live the message, don’t just read about it and preach.

Desperate measures call for desperate times.

It’s hard to imagine talking to Lucy. But I can imagine sleeping with her. I have been imagining it quite regularly. I can’t stop imagining it. Maybe it’s time for my first Lucy Branch, my...

I kind of thought actually that Trevor was gone completely mental when he called up here a few weeks ago. Like, why would he not text or email or Facebook? What’s with all the reality,...

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

Aku telah mengidap sakit gila nomor enam belas: yakni penyakit manusia yang membuat dunia sendiri dalam kepalanya, menciptakan masalah-masalahnya sendiri, terpuruk di dalamnya, lalu menyelesaikan masalah-masalah itu, sambil tertawa-tawa, juga sendirian.

I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.

Pssst. Minion. I need these laundered. Very little starch. Don’t just stand there gawking or you’ll anger my good frenemy General Wroth. We’re like this.”He couldn’t see her but knew she was twining two fingers...

When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him, and from thence to the university, where it was carefully taken out of...

World’s Smallest Indoor Cocktail Party” takes place in an Alaskan igloo when two midgets and an Inuit get together to drink a combination of cologne, hairspray, and cough syrup.

Shoot, you’re a smart one, you are. Then how ‘bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he’d like to keep compn’y with you fer...

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

We are not born with a need for knowledge, but a hunger for it. Eve bit the apple and it has been gluttony ever since.

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:The past, present, and future walk into a bar—it was tense.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

Read that dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field when urinating or defecating. Trying it myself this week – so far so good!

I prefer the light approach because I believe there is a great deal of false reverence about.