This is a lot more satisfying,” he said, “when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt with attention for my clever verbosity.”The ugly lizard-crab-thing on the next rock over clicked its claw,...

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

There are two rules for sucess:1. Never tell everything you know.

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

I had a dream about you. Due to the underwater nature of our relationship, I kept referring to you as Mrs. Fishface. You probably thought I was being racist, because you were in fact a...

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

That’s the unforgivable sin, you know.””What is?””Refusing to forgive someone.””Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?” I asked incredulously.

Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives? Is there a German word for that? Let’s say its schaufenfrieglasploit.

Good ol’ New York Public Library. I’m sure it’s up to date on the latest Demons that escape through well-guarded Demon Gates.

Refutation of Baldy’s LawBaldy’s Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1. Suppose some of it + the rest of it = all of it.2. By King’s Rule, there’s...

There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin’Now that fucking cunt is dead.

Is it better to win over the hearts and minds of the people, or imprison them and torture them into telling you they love you? These are the tough decisions a future tyrant, I mean...

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

I think it’s kinda nice.’ And I did. my mom isn’t famous for her pies. No, she’s famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail...

In high school I attended a magnet school—for refrigerators.

The tune was wailing and mournful, almost flagrantly so, and the total effect was of a heartbroken piccolo being parted forever from its bagpipe lover.

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to...

Love comes in many sizes, as do rubber nets called condoms. I use those nets to fish for tiny people.

Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for...

If the gooseberry said: ‘I haven’t the heart to be a real proper gooseberry because if everyone were a gooseberry the world wouldn’t continue to exist’ this would be a stupid argument and the world...

Twitter—up to the minute minute details.

Secret 318040. You can’t plug a leak without getting your fingers wet.

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people...

Clarke’s First Law – Corollary: When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion—the distinguished but elderly scientists...

I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first

I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.”No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We...

I had a dream about you, I was cooking dinner and you came out of the bathroom with a troubled look on your face. When I asked what was wrong you said “I have never...

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.

There must be a mistake,” I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. “That’s a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?

Clearly.

You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!

The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do.

I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

The Lush hadn’t driven in almost a decade – ever since she got in an accident that shook her so badly she refused to get behind the wheel. As you can imagine, someone nicknamed The...

A paradox is a storm that rains on itself.

Makes Gabriel look sweeter than gingerbread. Hates Will even more thanGabriel, too, if that’s possible.

This is the best bad plan we have, sir.

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I had this dream about you. We went hunting up in the mountains and I caught a unicorn. You told me now I know how it feels to be you.

I’ll make your heart melt like a puddle of love. Then I’ll swim across it—nude. Pricing for birthday parties does include the midgets.

Abby wouldn’t want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle...

‘Can you be a girl for a few seconds?’ ‘I’m always a girl’ I frown. ‘You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl’ I twirl my hair around my finger. ‘Kay.’

So, technically,” Simon said, “even though Jace isn’t actually related to you, you have kissed your brother.

I arose like a rose, and this is how I knew I was in love. In the garden of life, I’m better off in your neighbor’s yard.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.