I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn’t to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, “I’m going to shit my pants any second!”But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. “I’m...

People die and starve every day, but look on the bright side. Lower population.

You are all made of real poop.

This was a true pants-pooping moment.

The reason why women think men should spend a lot of money on an engagement ring is because women are the ones who get to clean up all the poop (stains and toilet bowl swirls...

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette

Sticking a straw up your butt won’t get rid of the constipation.