And forced me to kill my own brother.

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

Please don’t die.

Wild!” Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. “I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…

Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

It’s me,” a deep voice rumbled.The hands released me and I turned. There stood Derek, all six foot of him. Maybe it was just the thrill of seeing him, but he looked better than I...

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

I Think, Therefore I Am … I Think …

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

I’d seriously contemplated a real collar – a sparkly green one – if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very...

Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and...

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that’s because I don’t eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend...

Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just as sweet.

If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.

From Olsen’s Nation: “Through the power of our diplomacy, a world that was once divided about how to deal with Iran’s nuclear program now stands as one. Standing as one, the world now sincerely regrets...

Really, I’m trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she’s singing, but it doesn’t appear to be over

He gives her his Art History lecture.‘Then you get Mo-net and Ma-net, that’s a little tricky, Mo-net was the one did all the water lilies and shit, his colors were blues and greens, Ma-net was...

Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.

Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has a smile like silk sliding across freshly shaved skin, and she always leaves...

I’d rather be weird than ordinary. Ordinary is so boring.

Don’t make me climb across this desk and slap you, because I will.

She hadn’t planned any of this, but her thoughts ran away with her, and she hated how pathetic she must sound. Poor little human needed the big bad angel to rescue her. Yuck.

I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he...

Horst passed him a bottle he had picked up in his rapid trip from there to here. Remarkably, it’s contents had survived the transit. “Drink this,” he said, unmoved by Cabal’s anger. “You need to...

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

Is there something wrong with you? Mentally?”Darlin’, you met my family. You’ve gotta be more specific than that.(Jess to Smitty)

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn! You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak!

Since my love is so foggy, I could never date a woman named Misty. Or Steve, because that’s my dad’s name, and that’d be strange.

Temporary Insanity had come a-knocking and I had shouted “Come on in the door is open.” Luckily, Reality had come unexpectedly and found Temporary Insanity roaming the corridors of my mind unchecked, going into rooms,...

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

Writing a first draft is like groping one’s way into a dark room, or overhearing a faint conversation, or telling a joke whose punchline you’ve forgotten. As someone said, one writes mainly to rewrite, for...

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

I think I remember what love was like before. There were complex emotional and biological factors. We had elaborate tests to pass, connections to forge, ups and downs and tears and whirlwinds. It was an...

My boy’s going to grow up so big and strong he’ll be able to beat up both his dad and his grandpa—at the same time. Though I hope he never has to do that. One...

Amusement, even ironic amusement, is the beginning of sincere appreciation, as any lapsed hipster knows.

Mrs Bennet was a great connoissuer of feminine beauty and indeed it must be owned that she herself was a very handsome woman. As to the sweetness of her temper, there was less compelling evidence;...

Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.