Life is brighter on the lighter side.

Life… is like a grapefruit. Well, it’s sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It’s got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for...

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!

You know you’re about as forthcoming as a mime.

I’M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?”My God, you have surrounded me with idiots.

Hey, what is that over there?” and I pointed over your shoulder, and when you turned to look I scribbled my name on the bottom of page one.

Because sometimes in life, Ken didn’t always choose Barbie. (Jane Alcott)

I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable thing indeed.

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to...

I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

I was rolling the dead warrior over to steal his cloak, too, knowing it would be far too large on me, when I noticed the blade stashed in the back of his belt. It was...

Thank God I’m not blind anymore!

I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.

You’re such a cynic,” Molly said.”I think cynics are playful and cute.

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won’t pull over. He slams the horn.”Arthur,” I say.The car doesn’t yield.”Arthur,” I say.He hits...

You know, maybe we don’t need enemies.””Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take.

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

The only thing set in stone are dumb quotes and names of dead people. Everything else is subject to change.

No,” said Luis, “You can’t date the Lord of the Night Court.””Well, I’m not, he dumped me.””You can’t get dumped by the lord of the night court.””Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.

There is no way I’m going out in public like this!”It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn’t ask where he got the money from, images...

So, I’m a playwright. In Minneapolis. Which means that I find myself operating in a pretty lefty crowd, most of the time. And most of my energy goes towards arguing with that, and musing about...

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

People who were raised on The Bible can never tell the difference between a warning and an advertisement.

From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not.

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.

There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.

You better not be dead. This team is already overflowing with ankle spankers. I was looking forward to having more women around.” Yara’s eyelids fluttered open. She blinked a few times, focused on him, and...

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

ost.

Beer is my coffee.

Don’t blame you,” said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country.

Bean finds the best apple in our tree and hands it up to me. “You know what this tastes like when you first bite into it?” she asks. “No, what?” “Blue sky.” “You’re zoomed.” “You...

When the mind is free, magic happens.

Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.

Napoleon, when hearing about Laplace’s latest book, said, ‘M. Laplace, they tell me you have written this large book on the system of the universe, and have never even mentioned its creator.’Laplace responds, ‘Je n’avais...

You barbarians!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled…until…until…until…until you’ve had enough.’Ford was running after him. Very very fast.’And then...

Sexy is fine. So is OK.

Thank God for imminent doomsday.

Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.

Six wives the King’s had now.’ Barak’s words dragged me from my reverie. ‘We can’t even get one between us.

When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.

It ain’t polite to taste people. Shit.