There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

Ohyeah. If Gus calls, just tell him I was balls-deep in your ass and that I’mon my way now.

It is perfectly monstrous,’ he said, at last, ‘the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.

So–what’s it like, being a vampire?””Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what’s it like to be a vampire!””I don’t see why,” Aline said. “He hasn’t been a vampire that long,...

I’m going crazy, Louis thought wonderingly. Wheeeeee!

Making love is second to none. My masturbating habits are first to none.

Pranks vs school= pranks win all day

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

Has she glanced you way yet?”Twice,” Nick said on a note of satisfaction.Meaning?”Nick glanced at him. “She’s not completely disinterested.”I see Moreland. That makes it an even half dozen hanging out for a rich wife....

Have you got something against reason?

I can see why you like it here,” he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle’s collection of movie posters and science fiction books. “There’s a thin layer of nerd all over everything.” said Jace.”Thanks....

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn’t exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

What if two people want to be your partner, then what?

All men are hungry. They always have been. They must eat, and when they deny themselves the pleasures of carrying out that need, they are cutting off part of their possible fullness, their natural realization...

I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove.

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

Does anyone believe that the difference between the Lebesgue and Riemann integrals can have physical significance, and that whether say, an airplane would or would not fly could depend on this difference? If such were...

Our fathers were demons,’ Catarina said. ‘Our mothers were heroes.

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

In a well-ordered universe…camping would take place indoors.

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

Hell was grey. Dim and lifeless… I felt numb and in pain at the same time and that was not supposed to happen in heaven. But you would think that with all the queers they...

I love you and it’s getting worse.

Anyone that looked like that wouldn’t need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

Myrnin, who hadn’t said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he’d suddenly decided to snack on her neck… but it was...

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

Now, for the first time in my life, I empathize 100 percent with Fluff McFly. My heart is beating at hamster-speed and I am throwing my eyes around the room, looking for some way out.

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.

I’m going to get ‘I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD’ tattooed on my chest.””That will become inaccurate at some point, ” Omar pointed out.

I’ll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, ‘The soul selects her own society.’ I used...

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags...

Each one of us comes out of our mother’s body crying, with or without exceptions. But we are not aware of it. Are you? Do you remember that you cried the very first time you...

You know where I keep the gold coin.” As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father’s study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn’t...

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing...

You cannot discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore.

I’ve got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I’m gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them PUNISHED with a baby.

You looked like the sexiest woman in the world.””Well, in fairness, I am the sexiest woman in the world.””And you’re always right.””You are so brilliant to recognize that.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and… reproduction.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.