Don’t you know it?

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.

In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.

I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no...

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

…If you’d like to go back in there and try kicking him, I recommend aiming upward and a bit to the left–

It’s much more difficult to maintain personal hygiene if you’re obese. Believe it or not, I’ve found items like remote controls and packages of cigarettes in people’s fat rolls.

The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes

Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck…Attempting harder to give a fuck…Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.

You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.

Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.

I am astounded at how long it takes to discover… for the first time,the things I have learned… over and over again all my life.

Remember what happened last time with the ‘cuda.

Because it tends to become unseasonably chilly when I’d prefer it to be warm. It’s as if it does it on purpose.

Rae burned me. She has matches or something. Look, look…” Tori pulled down the collar of her T-shirt. “Leave your cloths on, Tori,” Simon said, raising his hands to his eyes. “Please.

Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

You know Quinn?” Macaulay asked me.”Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed.”Macaulay grinned. “I hope you keep his acquaintance like that – social””Meaning what?”Macaulay’s grin became rueful. “He used to be my broker,...

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.

Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.

Is she always like this?” “No, usually worse.

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered ‘Mad’ or ‘immature

One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle...

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a...

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization,...

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

I have no desire to spend every night of the next few months at balls and soirees or drowning in tea with morning callers.

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you’d have? One hour? Two hours?...

Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that’s what I told the police during their interrogation.

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

I’m a sound sleeper. Every time I hear a sound I wake up. Sometimes I envy Helen Keller.

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

If you’re going to be a narcissistic schmuck, kid, don’t bother studying Faulkner. Go straight to Brett Easton Ellis. He’s the role model you need.

We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist.

Damn,’ someone behind me says. ‘I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later.

My hair isn’t as white as snow, because it’s not old enough—or cold enough.

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

I was looped in on your little romantic quest. The only way to get me out without it looking suspicious was to suggest that I come after you dumb asses, since I supposedly know your...