Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If...

I hope your only rocky road is chocolate.

To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.

The paradise in women is not the v-shape manipulation between their legs, or the two lovely bombs, set on their bosom that can blast any strong, holy spirit filled individual, but that part of her...

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is...

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone will want to splash ink on it and try to impregnate the minds...

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

I am very much out of my element here. There are moments, listening to the conversations going on around me, when I feel I am going to lose my mind. Earlier today, I heard someone...

What’s your name?””Emma Gould,” she said. “What’s yours?””Wanted.””By all the girls or just the law?

You’ll be bereft without me.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Vampires have credit cards?””We’re undead, not Amish.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Whaaaaaat is going on?” May whispered out of the corner of her mouth.”I’m sort of comforted by the fact that I can’t figure it out,” Jack responded.

Don’t even think about it.””Well, when can I walk by myself?””When you get your driver’s license.””You always, always say that.” Dillie scowled at him. “That’s when everything happens.””It’s going to be a busy day,” Phin...

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me to remove my gas mask. And what kind of sensible girl is going...

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ in color for a full hour, there would be a considerable number of stations which would decline to carry it on the grounds that a...

I didn’t have time to bury the money. All my precious time was taken up burying the body. I should have left the body and hid the cash. Damn! Now I’ve got no body, but...

Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still...

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.

It’s been a while since I’ve had sex. I figured it was just like riding a bike, the only difference is that after a while, the bike doesn’t turn you over and ride you.

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.

I’ve noticed that when people are joking they’re usually dead serious, and when they’re serious, they’re usually pretty funny.

Love is the best feeling in the universe. Actually, that’s not true. But only because I haven’t been very many places in the universe.

Check a phone book out of a library. Inside is a foggy castle covered by a black leather glove, watched over by a shaggy gray dog. My name is written in numbers in the sky...

A company with no advertising is like a car with no headlights—it runs smoothly during the day, when people are awake and shopping, and saves money at night, when people are asleep.

I had fun last night,” I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. “I’m officially on love with your sheets.” “That the only thing you’re in love with?””Nope. Your mattress,...

He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.

A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense.

Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper...

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her...