In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.

A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them.

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

Still talking here!

After giving it some thought, I’ve decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don’t want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and...

Being king is about having all the material things you want, and having nobody you trust enough to share them with.

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

I’m thirsty for your love. I hope you don’t mind, but I drank straight from the carton—without even checking to see if it had expired.

I didn’t know what to spend it on, ’cause my mum said she didn’t want me to buy her nothing. So I was going to buy Larry something, but he said I should spend it...

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

I like that: a little pressure on the understood boundaries of yourself. Sounded like something out of a self-awareness class, probably with yoga. See what kind of a pretzel you can tie yourself into and...

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.

With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.

What do you think of Christmas?””I like it,” she said. “I think we should have it every year.

I guess I might be bi-curious,” Ben said quietly.””What?””I said I could be sorta bi-curious,” Ben said loudly. “That’s someone who is fundamentally straight but is curious about sex with men.”Joshua grunted his opinion of...

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

As a young father it’s important to remember that, when you’re at the beach, there’s a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him...

Give a poet a pen

When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone in Seattle, who is hurting so bad financially that instead of a vente...

Take life seriously but none of the people in it.

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.

That’s the spirit! Make it chicken broth or nothing. That’s putting the old foot down. If she’s determined to have a nervous breakdown, the least we can do is see that she doesn’t have it...

Leigh did what any sane female faced with such an e-mail would do: deleted it to resist the temptation of replying, cleared her trash to resist the temptation of recalling it, and then called tech...

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done....

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round....

Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.

Marko Vešović sjedi u Staroj Grčkoj na bijelom kamenu…nad njim nebo..

Tutti gli animali sono uguali, ma alcuni sono più uguali degli altri

Life is tough, then you die.

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is. * If it replies “Brains,” blow its fucking head off. * If it replies “Brian,” ask it again, as you may have encountered...

I’d rather be known as a freak than a science project.

Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.

Really, these wizards! You’d think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?” she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.”I’m dying of boredom,” Howl said pathetically. “Or...

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.

Godshawk looked surprised, the way that people generally do when you ask them philosophical questions in shrubberies in the middle of the night.

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.

I suppose the artists invented the firm breasts they put on women, and that in reality all women had flabby ones.

I’m very much afraid I didn’t mean anything but nonsense.

Our flesh is a gift of laughter.

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, ‘Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!’ Then call children’s services...

In a word, in adversity she was the best of comforters, in good fortune the most troublesome of friends…

Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious.

When there is extra to be eaten, I’ll be there, and I’ll be hungry. When there is more love than people to absorb it all, I’ll be there, and I’ll invite my clones.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.