All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.

Never trust a fiction author. They spend countless hours making you believe in a world they created. They are among the best, most dedicated liars in the world.

When I was a wee little kid,” remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, “there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

I’ve just walked ten feet in the wrong direction, and I’m too tired to turn back around and trudge back. Oh, the lengths I go to for love.

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they’re out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

. . . I still wouldn’t be able to control myself around him, and I’m math geek enough to know that equation doesn’t work out.

Were the stars against him? A woman’s fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.

If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.

Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something.”Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn’t even sure if it was an insult. And if...

Aside from that.

I had a dream about you. You were shivering, and I didn’t know if you were cold or frightened. Being the gentleman that I am, I offered you a sweater woven from the wails from...

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

I was watching a collection of vintage ’80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign...

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

What’d you think would happen when you died? That the prophecy would just be over and we’d all be like, oops, guess we got that one wrong?

They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.”Owww!” he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn’t mean it.”If you think I can understand that,”...

A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to...

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

The magic in that country was so thick and tenacious that it settled over the land like chalk-dust and over floors and shelves like sticky plaster-dust. (House-cleaners in that country earned unusually good wages.) If...

Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn’t hurt the untroubled spirit either.

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it’s too late to save her. “I’ve noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear.” She’s been...

Sometimes I get advice from the fictional characters in my dreams. Sometimes It’s good, and sometimes it’s nonsensical.

I’ve received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, “You should lay off the f-bombs.” The other is, “You should add more f-bombs.

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

The past haunts the present in more ways than we think. It certainly scares the living daylights out of ME”~ Old Wrinkly

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

Old, old, drink. Tiiiiny little drink. Very small. Almost not there.” She began to hiccup.

No, we are building a joke.”

You’ll want all your strength for the wedding night.” I cannot think why I should need strength,” she said, ignoring a host of spine-tingling images rising in her mind’s eye. “All I have to do...

Run first,’ Shane said. ‘Mourn later.’It was the perfect motto for Morganville.

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

Hello, Jeff,” and sat down again next to my father.

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,” he said. “I’m not in the mood to compromise.

Shut up!” Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. “Jackass!””You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!

I understand we’ll be attending your friend Miss Worthington’s Christmas ball. Perhaps I’ll find a suitable– which is to say wealthy– wife among the ladies attending.”And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in...

And we’ll call you…hmmm. Pudge.””Huh?””Pudge,” the Colonel said. “Because you’re skinny. It’s called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let’s go get some cigarettes and start this year off right.

Tim Minchin’s musings on Tony, the first ‘fish’ ever to have feet:Imagine what Tony would think, standing there on his brand new feet on the brink of the beginnings of mankind as we know it…...