Torture is a federal offense,” she replied.

The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail….’No, you won’t.’We will,’ stated the robot simply.No, you won’t. It makes my ship...

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.

Well, what I don’t understand is why people get all dressed up and drive to church so they can sit there and get scolded. Seems to me it’d be a whole lot easier for the...

Death should take me while I am in the mood.

I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.

With a phone to each ear, I’m efficient. One mouth, two ears, and two phones, I can talk to two people at once—and listen to neither.

I gave up on cussing – I’d run out of words filthy enough – and just started praying.

We made love like three seasons, but I didn’t fall.

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Tooth Fairy” Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator shaft?

David Attenborough has said that Bali is the most beautiful place in the world, but he must have been there longer than we were, and seen different bits, because most of what we saw in...

In real life, espionage and sex have so little to do with one another that for all practical purposes they could be married.

A rose is a mix of thorns with a flower, and is therefore half fuck you and half fuck me. If I gave you a dozen, would you fuck me 12 times?

Have some more tea, dear,” Hester said, reaching for the pot and refilling my cup. “I always find that helps.

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

The only nutritional sustenance I need is praise, flattery, and potassium in the form of bananas.

I had a dream about you. I was running barefoot on the beach, and you were chasing me because you were a cop, and I was naked. I couldn’t believe you tried to arrest me....

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

When her and I made love, I cried, out of loneliness.

No, but hot boys can burn you just as easily.

God, I envy him,” St. Vincent said feelingly, rubbing his own dark-circled eyes.

Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.

Hey, Pedro, could you get your shopping cart out of my faculty parking space? Yes, I know you live on the street. But you know how hard it is to find a parking spot on...

He turned the entire living room into an airport, complete with a four-foot-high LEGO traffic control tower and a fleet of paper planes, plastic army pilots taped safely into their cockpits. From deep beneath the...

When I heard footsteps and saw nobody, I knew I was seeing a ghost. Seeing the invisible is like dreaming about drinking coffee to wake up, and that’s why I’ve never made love in the...

I’d prefer a free continental breakfast.

I’ve missed you, Sebastian.””Have you, love?” He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. “What part did you miss the most?””Your mind,” she said, and...

Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.

I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it’s because I’m babysitting.

My girlfriend just had a baby. We’ve known each other for six months, so I’m pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!

Monty Jones: Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?Professor Jones: Yes, yes there is.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Playing basketball, I blew out my knee like it was a birthday candle. Sports are so much more fun to play when sitting at a table and opening presents and eating cake.

As soon as Mr. Prosser realized that he was substantially the loser after all, it was as if a weight lifted itself off his shoulders: this was more like the world as he knew it.

Even AWESOME MOMS use the F-BOMB!

You were torturing a cat,” she says. “With a freaking prod.””A prod I built myself in metal shop,” he says. “But of course you never mention that.

Tomorrow is promised to no one.

Apparently Super Max was pretty content with taking care of half the town, such was his wonderfulness.

This leather chair belongs to me. I would let you sit in it, but you can’t sit in an idea.

Of all sports, wrestling is the most like cuddling. I’m all sweaty because I’m training hard to show her how much I love her.

A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have...

If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like to give them that blank road kill dead in the eyes look.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone’s sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee...

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.