I can see why you like it here,” he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle’s collection of movie posters and science fiction books. “There’s a thin layer of nerd all over everything.” said Jace.”Thanks....

I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. “You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!” He flew...

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

Oh, the pain. The pain. It always rains. In my soul.

Her descriptions will be incandescent, perfect little nuggets of phraseology, and there will probably be lots of sex in her writing – the clinical type of sex with labias and clitorises and tongues going everywhere.

Our fathers were demons,’ Catarina said. ‘Our mothers were heroes.

Abyssinias”I met a traveler from an antique landWho said: A huge four-footed limestone formSits in the desert, sinking in the sand.Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm,Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar...

Well, I just don’t want you to think that this piece of shit is anything other than a pathetic, human defect. Nothing more. Not a monster, not a bogeyman. Nothing but another reason to feel...

Hell was grey. Dim and lifeless… I felt numb and in pain at the same time and that was not supposed to happen in heaven. But you would think that with all the queers they...

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

Zoo-Wee Mama!

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. ‘Nuh-uh. Mine.”Share!’ she demanded.’Man, you are one...

Anyone that looked like that wouldn’t need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

The best reason to fall in love is because you’re alive, your heart is open, and your wallet is empty. I prefer women with lots of money.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That’s a step too far.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

So you’ve been gone a couple days,’ Alison said. ‘Hmm, what’d you miss…A celebrity did drugs. Politicians disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sporting event,...

Courage is just dreams with shoes on.

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

…There’s an -or- in -whore- because you always have a choice to respect your body and say no.

I’m going to get ‘I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD’ tattooed on my chest.””That will become inaccurate at some point, ” Omar pointed out.

I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.

Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there’s a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin’ Fifteen

Sometimes we can focus so much on nothing that we make it a big something of nothing

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags...

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:”I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair...

Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: “What about Claudette Colbert? She’s British, isn’t she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British?

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing...

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

Way to introduce him to the vernacular, Palta.

If only Myrtle would pay attention to the Boy’s Own Journal, Blackwood’s Magazine, etc., she would know that these creatures were Threls, who come from a worldlet called Threlfall on the far side of the...

I’ve got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I’m gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them PUNISHED with a baby.

Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

With enough coffee anything is possible

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

Of course it was a terrible thing, and the world would be a much better place without someone in it who could do that, but did that mean we had to miss lunch?

They don’t know you’re secretly a badass?

I asked Hillary why she had chosen Yale Law School over Harvard. She laughed and said, “Harvard didn’t want me.” I said I was sorry that Harvard turned her down. She replied, “No, I received...

Writing is my life. Life is my hobby.

Peter, you’re twelve years old. I’m ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

Everything is perfect. Everything is fine. The rules of life are made up. The rules only exist in your mind.Of course there may be courtesies And closures and laws to abide,But the zeal with which...

It doesn’t matter what you’ve got in your pants if there is nothing in your brain to connect it to.

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...