I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

I want a new liver to replace my heart.””Um, why?””Because then I could drink more and care less.

It’s a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there’s no two ways about it.

Goodreads.com could be read Good Reads, or it could be read Goo Dreads. Of course, it couldn’t be the latter, because who dreads goo?

I dated a Jewish girl whose grandmother made it,” I laughed.

I like you. It’s pretty nice you’re not dead.

I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

Not that it isn’t great to see you. But it’s not so great for you. What’d you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

Sleep: to see and do, and do nothing.

Women always want to look younger, and I always want to look older, so I could look like Pliny the Younger. As a lover, that would give me the best of both worlds.

When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine

If you don’t beleve in yourself, who will?’ ~Maybeck

Unless you’re in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn’t have time for...

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

She didn’t know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she’d ever tasted.

Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list.

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children,...

What I have been asking myself for years is: WHY?!Why kill yourself in the gym? Why try to avoid a little bit of a gut? Why feel bad for eating half of a cake? This...

Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?” asked Mrs. Dodypol. “It depends,” says I, “how much you used the dictionary before you read it.

I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless...

…indeed, with the Radletts, you never could tell. Why, for instance, would Victoria bellow like a bull and half kill Jassy whenever Jassy said, in a certain tone of voice, pointing her finger with a...

I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness.

When Headmaster Conrady pointed out the white clapboard chapel, I wondered whether there might be at least one structure with a softer name, like Church of the Good Shepherd or Chapel of the Non-Weapon-Bearing Angels....

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

That’s quite the specific search…’Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches’—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

I don’t wanna be the joker who makes eyes full of tears in the end

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

Cats don’t need to be possessed; they’re evil on their own.

I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

See?” I crowed. “I know what I’m doing. Two weeks, tops, and you’ll be begging to dip your fries in my shake.””You think?” It took me about a second before I realized I’d done it...

Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it’s a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it’s made up of people, every...

I’ve never been in love, but if a penguin can find a soul mate, I’m sure I can, too.

I don’t let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su… Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio. – C’è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? – reagisce Dio, versandosi dell’altro...

The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition ofthe word “Infinite”.Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, atotally stunning size, “wow, that’s...

On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.

My job is to scream cockle-doodle-doo. Don’t blame me if the sun doesn’t rise.

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he’d left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

Those who cannot dance, should not dance.

That’s it, Uncle Huey!” Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. “I quit!” If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

Everything you swallow will kill you, some faster than others. Swallow your pride, and you’ll love a long time.

I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.

Peace be with you,” I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, “and asskicking be with me.

What would a Mohammedan vampire do if faced with a cross?

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.

I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d just tossed out a Frank Gehry knockoff. What you call trash, I call...