If you are the type who truly longs to be a Southern Belle at all times, regardless of taking twice the space available in bus, subway or elsewhere, you had best remove yourself to a...

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.

The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you...

I’m not obliged to defend your dignity. Provided you have any.

If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.

No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.

His eyes burned with intensity. I wondered briefly if someonehe knew was being held in that cold room that smelled like death. Someone he loved?

Apparently, faith in life is one thing and faith in literature is another.

For some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears,’ for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.’ The moral of ‘Snow White’ is ‘Never eat apples.’ The moral of World War I...

On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?

Best to flee now, before the pitchforks and torches and scientists come calling.

I like to spoon after I fork.

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You’ll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long,...

Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what? My imagination tastes like chicken noodle soup.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.

One of my father’s RULES FOR LIFE was to marry a woman who was smarter than you. “I did this,” he would say to me, “and you should do it, too. I say, why do...

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

The point I was trying to make before you interrupted with your inventoryof my personality is that neither of us is going to be able to stay celibate for the next six months.”She dropped her...

I’m putting the finishing touches on a cat. I love petting.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock’s locker room bitch.

Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar.” “Yeah… But I was wearing my seatbelt.

Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you–And if that makes you happy, kid,You’ll be the first it ever did.

…and now over to our foriegn allegory correspondant, Barv Tweezman.” ~The Shielding of Mortimer Townes

If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.

Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college. Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats

Anything designed to be inoffensive isn’t worth your time — life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death.

I don’t know. They haven’t been in school for a while.

I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don’t want to spend it arguing with you.

If she hasn’t learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it’s not likely she will.

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn’t sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they’d...

Hindi ako naniniwala sa fate, destiny at soul mates. Ang mundo ay binubuo ng mga pangyayaring random na kaganapan. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

Missing you is worse than Pittsburgh.

Have faith my friends, because love will find you eventually. It found me, and I was wearing camouflage clothing, face paint, and cologne that smelled like the wilderness.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

Unicorns are not real, though we still dream about them! DREAM ON!

And poor Mr. Bix!Every morning at six,poor Mr. Bix has his Borfin to fix!It doesn’t seem fair. It just doesn’t seem right,but his Borfin just seems to go shlump every night.It shlumps in a heap,...

Zip it kiddo. Don’t ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it’ll be used against you later in life.

This isn’t the first time I’ve used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.””Who was the test subject?” asked Aurora.”I test everything out on myself before taking it into the...

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We’ll bury ‘t in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

Well, you finally got me,” Helen had whispered to him, tearfully, but Garp had sprawled there, on his back on the wrestling mat, wondering who had gotten whom.

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.

I know, I know. I was there, remember?” I love my husband, but he’s such an Aquarian. Ask him the time, and he’ll tell you how to make the watch.

Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

Just a little off the top!”- A. Boleyn

Gas masks could be converted into blowjob machines—and finally put your mom out of business. That’s capitalism. That’s war. That’s love.

I’m very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.