Sports fans eat shit.

I once had a dream and then I told my friend he is such a dick his name is Richard.

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren’t two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what...

I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I’d seen Clint...

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

No really I’m pretty sure voting mattered a scant 15 years ago but now it’s just a way to see how many old people live in your neighborhood.

Sometimes, a word succeeds beyond the wildest dreams of its creators, like a virus sent into the world to infect common speech.

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, ‘What’s wrong?’ Nothing. ‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’ Yeah, you know it takes more...

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

breaking your heart” a new meaning.

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

Why do you haunt me? You, like a tattoo on my tongue, like the bay leaf at the bottom of every pan. You who sprawled out beside me and sang my horoscope to a Schubert...

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

And now,” Eric yelled into his mircophone, “we’re going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one’s for my girlfriend. We’ve been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true....

I take very few people seriously, and I’m not one of them.

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

Notwithstanding all that has been discovered since Newton’s time, his saying that we are little children picking up pretty pebbles on the beach while the whole ocean lies before us unexplored remains substantially as true...

My bookcase is all yours.”I walked to the door. “I’ve just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.

I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, just in case I have to pee quickly (at above 65 miles per hour).

Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.

I’ll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from ‘almost extinct’ to ‘not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.’ Will that make you happy?

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

It is not the destination where you end up but the mishaps and memories you create along the way!

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

Y’know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I’ll send you a photo.””And I’ll frame...

Your ass is mine.

That’s it? That’s all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?” Marshall smirked. “Woe is me.

By stripping it of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansers leave your ethnicity dry, wrinkled and flaky.

I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

Haven’t you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?””Only from ugly people,” Jace confided. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.” He winked at...

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love to you.

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know,” Simon was getting fed up. “Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare...

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is.” Summer says. “Yeah, I agree,” said August. “Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all...

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?