I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It’s so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn’t have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.

She’s an absolute idiot!” she added with the wisdom invariably shown by people who, not being in love themselves, feel that a clever man should only be unhappy about a person who is worth his...

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A reporter should know the difference.

No sex?” He looked at me in disbelief. “Well if you can’t have ze sex, what can you do?”For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my...

Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.

I don’t think we are cut out to be evil sorcerers, brothers,” said Fentongoose. “If we were truly evil, we would not feel such sorrow at the deaths of our friends. We would just go,...

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you...

In the Rainbow Jungles of Ever there lives what I affectionately call, killer ducks.

Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I’d feel sad about it.

I am not adventurous, though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However, sunrises scare me.

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

Girls can do anything boys can do in high heels!

The back door popped open, and Claire, fairy wings all a-flutter, pulled Miranda inside. It was like a military operation, only with one hundred percent less camouflage.

Every nook and cranny,” Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.

There are seven and a half billion people on this earth – somebody’s got to get sucked into a vortex.

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences.

Chairmen Meow deserves me every effort.

You’re funny.’ Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. ‘And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.”Ninety percent of Eastwood’s male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.

I picked up the knife to cut the melon, and then smashed it with my fist instead.

How about “diamonds are a girl’s best friends”? Nope. It should be switched around and pointed out, instead, that your best friends are diamonds.

So you just came here to torture me and talk about yourself?” Simon demanded.”Oh, Simon, Simon, Simon,” said Jace. “You may not remember, but that’s kind of our thing.

A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.

…A person who is headstrong enough to open their eyes and their heart to the full depth and weight of the world is inviting in everything out there – both evil and good, both dark...

The purpose of this life is to worship Allah the only God who has no partners or associates.And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)Quran Chapter 51...

We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell my clone where I am so he doesn’t go file a missing person’s...

I had a dream about you. We were out to dinner at some place fancy, like the Library of Congress. I ate a thick, rare James Joyce novel, and you ate a pig that looked...

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye,” Ferbus said too loudly. “Then it’s one-eyed fun.

… Good gracious, Jerry, you’ll probably have to marry the girl.’Joanna was half serious, half laughing.It was at that moment that I made a very important discovery.’Damn it all,’ I said. ‘I don’t mind if...

There’s a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

Man, didn’t anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn’t matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn’t be, it just is, and motherfucker, like or not, you’re sitting on a...

Chicken Soup for the Soul”. You’ve heard of these books, am I right? We’ve all heard of them. But I wonder if you’re aware of just how many “Chicken Soup” books exist on the planet....

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

I’m the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I...

Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they’re so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.

Joke ’em if they can’t take a fuck.

Stars in the night,’ he said. ‘Something something something something, some delight

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not...

I was about to run, possibly fight, definitely scream…

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts for the winter. But that’s just the kind of thoughtful guy I am.

Sit, Phantom!” Ivy cooed. “On your bottom!””Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Gabriel put down his book and pointed a longer finger at Phantom. “Sit,” he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight...

If you don’t make enemies, you’re just not trying.

I’m Reginald Clark, I’m afraid of the darkSo please do not close this book on me.